How To Help Others To Change Their Minds?

We all know how easy it is to intend to help a person to come up with new ideas and patterns of thinking, only to find that they get upset or angry. Helping another person to find ways to literally ‘change their own mind’ is no trivial matter. The key is to be empathetic but not shy away from asking plenty of questions and being appropriately challenging.

The following is a case study from a time when I was the voluntary manager of a problem-solving group on Facebook. I received a kind of “Agony Aunt” letter from a female member, saying that she was upset because her husband was working abroad and did not phone her every day. She said that she nagged him on every call about this, but he didn’t care. I contacted her for a (typed) conversation to clarify the matter before answering her. Below is the dialogue.

Me: Peace be upon you, Madam.

Lady: Peace be upon you.

Me: I’ve read your message, but I have a question to clarify the matter.

Lady: Go ahead - ask.

Me: Why do you nag your husband on every call?

Lady: Because he does not appreciate the suffering I go through due to his absence and the responsibility I bear.

Me: But it seems that [approach] was useless as he continued phoning infrequently.

Lady: Yes.

Me: Do you nag other contacts, for example, your friends or siblings?

Lady: Yes.

Me: Why?

Lady: This is the way I express my feelings.

Me: I think your problem stems from your habit of nagging others. People often try to avoid those who nag them all the time. 

Lady: What should I do?

Me: This bad habit stems from some negative ideas you hold about nagging people. You should replace these bad ideas with good and positive ones. This is how your problem with your husband will be solved. You have to know and be convinced that the habit of nagging is a repulsive act which keeps your beloved away from you. The new positive idea which should replace the old negative one is to replace nagging with words that express your feelings of missing someone. Simple words such as "I miss you." 

Never say things like "Finally, you have remembered me," "Why haven’t you not call me?" or "Why have you forgotten me?" etc. Using words like "always" or "never" is a surefire way of putting your spouse on the defensive, and this may make him refuse or ignore your request. 

Better still, experiment and learn which approaches work better than others. Master the skill of getting what you want without asking for it. Choose your words and use them well. Now, there are many ways to ask for something you want. Do this in the next call and remember not to ask him when he will call again; only express your feelings and how much you miss him. Tell me the result after four calls with your husband”.

The lady contacted me a week later to tell me about the wonderful results that had been achieved! On the very next call she stopped blaming her husband for her unhappiness in their relationship and (importantly) didn’t nag him when he called. Instead, she started telling him how much she appreciated all the effort he was putting into his work and how much she missed him. Two days later, he phoned her, and she repeated what she had done during the previous call. She did the same for the next two calls. Then, of his own accord, he decided to take a vacation to come home and spend time with her in person.

The problem this lady had was that she had adopted the idea that nagging was a way of getting her husband’s attention. By replacing this negative idea with a positive one, a new good, positive habit appeared - expressing concern by showing care and interest in others.

As this simple example demonstrates, ideas can positively or negatively affect our habits. The same is true for our personalities, motives, and wider behavior. Ideas deeply affect our lives, out interaction with the environment and with the people around us. 

Unfortunately, once a person has ‘got an idea stuck in their head’ they will deliberately or subconsciously seek out individuals and other information that supports that idea. This is known as ‘confirmation bias’.

The idea of confirmation bias has been around since ancient times, noted by historian Thucydides , (c. 460 BC – c. 395 BC), author of The Divine Comedy - Dante Alighieri (1265–1321) and Abū Zayd ‘Abd ar-Ra?mān ibn Mu?ammad ibn Khaldūn al-?a?ramī the 14th century historian (1332 – 1406) .

The English philosopher and Francis Bacon, wrote in 1620:“The human understanding when it has once adopted an opinion ... draws all things else to support and agree with it. And though there be a greater number and weight of instances to be found on the other side, yet these it either neglects or despises, or else by some distinction sets aside or rejects”.

Writing in the 19th Century, both the German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer and Russia’s famous novelist Leo Tolstoy agreed.

While there is agreement across time and cultures that confirmation bias exists, it remains one of the most challenging obstacles to humans being able to effectively transition through changing circumstances – or to proactively go about changing their circumstances and results. In this way, a Fixed Mindset takes root and failure becomes a self-fulling prophecy.