Helpful Hints to Support Children | Understanding and Processing Bereavement

Children and young people grieve just as deeply as adults, but they show it in different ways. They learn how to grieve by copying the responses of the adults around them. They rely on adults to provide them with what they need to support them in their grief.

Many adults avoid talking to children about death and dying because they think it will make them sad or anxious. In fact, talking openly about death helps children to deal with the idea and makes them less worried about it. This is true even for young children.

How do you explain bereavement to a child?

• Be honest. Children need to know what happened to the person that died
• Use plain language. It is clearer to say someone has died than to use euphemisms
• Encourage questions
• Reassure them
• Ask them to tell their story
• Tell them about worries you might have.

What are the steps to talk to a child about death?

1. Use simple words to talk about death
2. Listen and comfort
3. Put feelings into words
4. Tell your child what to expect
5. Explain events that will happen
6. Give your child a role
7. Help your child remember the person
8. Give comfort and reassure your child.

What factors do we need to be mindful of?

• Children will be exposed to many different platforms like TV, radio, social media, assemblies in school, adult conversations and potentially first-hand experiences.
• Children will be aware and hear things even if adults think they are not or can not.
• Children will react in different ways and have different levels of understanding of death and their own experiences.
• Some children would have experienced losing a parent or other close person to them – feelings can be triggered through memory – it is just as important to explore these.
• Experiences could be the passing of a family member or a family pet. Some children would have had no experience.
• Different backgrounds, cultures, and religions will celebrate or mourn in different ways – all ways are respected and valued.
• Some parents may want to shield their children from the news of a passing
• Families and the children themselves could have personal connections to the person who has passed – parents may work in connection, or they could be family friends
• The death of a national figure will form a big part of children's present life and future and be significant in history

The Things you Should Do

• Tell the truth about what happened right away. The truth gives an explanation for tears and pain. Being open and emotional can help children learn how to mourn.
• Be prepared for a variety of emotional responses. Realise that however you approach this subject, children may be upset and, perhaps, even angry at the loss. Accept a child's emotional reactions. You will have time to address things again after a child's had time to process the initial trauma.
• Make sure to use the words dead or died. Many find using the words 'dead' or 'died' uncomfortable and prefer using phrases like 'passed away', 'lost', 'crossed over', and 'went to sleep', but research shows that using realistic words to describe death helps the grieving process.
• Share information in doses. Gauge what a child can handle by giving information in small bits at a time.
• Be comfortable saying, "I don't know." Having all the answers is never easy, especially during a time of such heartache. It's helpful to tell a child that you may not know about certain things, like, "How did grandpa die?" "What happens to Aunt Rita at the funeral home," "What made Spike run into the street, Mommy?" or other unanswerable questions.
• Crying is ok. It's healthy and healing.
• Let children grieve in their own way. Allow children to be silent about death. It's also natural for a child to feel lonely and isolate themselves at this time too. It's also common for children to seem unaffected by the loss. There is no right way to grieve.
• Prepare to talk about thoughts and feelings often. It is likely that you'll have to tend to the subject of death for days, weeks and months to come. Check in and be available for ongoing discussions since mourning is a process.
• Remember to take care of yourself. As adults, we sometimes forget about taking care of ourselves during these times. Children learn what they see, so be a role model for self-care at this critical time.

The Things you Should NOT Do

• Don't hide grief from a child.
• Don't be afraid to share memories of your loved one.
• Don't avoid connecting with a child because you feel helpless or uncomfortable or don't know what to say.
• Don't change the subject when a child comes into the room.
• Don't think that death puts a ban on laughter.
• Don't put a time limit on your child's bereavement.