Help Yourself By Helping Others: 5 ways coaching is helping my personal development

I was inconsolable.

It finally made sense why all those RnB hits had so much rain. If you've ever been unfortunate enough to learn the meaning behind all those love songs, you'll know that a break up can break you. If you let it.

My mum rarely delivered pearls of wisdom verbally - she gives them through demonstration - but this time, there were two things she said that I will never forget:

1. "It's not what happens to you, but how you deal with it that shapes you"
2. "Help yourself, by helping others"

After a trip to Watoto Uganda, I realised how right she was, and the latter became my mantra. 1 Peter 4:10-11 had new meaning, and I found myself on a mission to help people.

Then, when I volunteered for a demonstration in the AoEC - The Academy of Executive Coaching webinar that lead me to certify, I saw first hand how powerful coaching could be, and thought 'this is how I want to help people'.

What I hadn't accounted for, was how much it would help me.

I did a course on communication last year which opened my eyes. 13 weeks, and we only got to the topic of interacting with other people, about half way through.

The first half was all about how we understand ourselves and the stories we develop, from which we perceive the world.

When coaching, a client (often unaware of this), is bringing their story, and their perspective, to a problem.

Almost every time I've coached, I have learned (and sometimes healed) something about myself from observing their transformation as they experience breakthroughs.

Here are some of the things I learned that I still reflect on:

1. I am, because we are

One comment I consistently received from other members of my diploma cohort was that I have a natural ability to build rapport, and I truly believe this "Ubuntu" thinking is at the core of why.

Mbigi (1997) argued that Ubuntu's five key values are survival, solidarity spirit, compassion, respect and dignity, and I find all of these at play when with a client, no matter where they're from.

"Survival enabled African communities, during harsh environmental conditions, to rely on each other for existence despite differences they might have had amongst themselves. Solidarity entails working together and cooperatively to achieve a common goal. The third value, compassion, refers to the human’s ability to understand other people’s challenges and problems. Compassion is fundamental to the feeling of belonging and interconnectedness among African communities. The last values of the theory, respect and dignity, are important for a high regard for rights, values and beliefs for others, irrespective of diversity. Dignity is a behaviour or a trait that can earn someone respect. For Africans, if a person seeks to achieve a positive engagement with members of the community, respect and dignity are paramount requisites" (Mbigi 1997:32)

As I hold these values up in them, I learn how to hold them up in me.

It helps me build connection, not just with them, but with the tripartite of my personality.

2. My tripartite is always at work

Freud’s personality theory (1923) talks about the id (instincts), ego (reality), and superego (morality) - the tripartite.

What I've noticed when coaching is how these 3 show up when we're faced with everyday challenges.

What impact does our superego have when faced with perceived societal or cultural expectations? What options even come to mind as possible when our ego tells us what is available for people like us? How does our id respond when it doesn't get what it wants?

Reflecting on how a client has navigated all 3 always teaches me new ways to manage mine.

One lesson here was that when my tripartite are at work, I can be my own worst critic.

3. I'm my judge, jury and executioner

Your harshest critic is always going to be yourself. Don't ignore that critic but don't give it more attention than it deserves - Michael Ian Black

One of my biggest self realisations last year was, as my therapist put it, "I act as a moderator on the side of the opposition" - I would speak on the behalf of other people, groups or society in general, and make decisions based on what I think they want before they're even given a chance to speak.

The voice I would hear speak is of course, my critic, and I was giving it much more attention that it deserves.

However, watching clients do this gave me insight I didn't absorb when it was me inside their situation.

When I ask questions like "I wonder what assumptions might be at play here?" or "What evidence do you have to support that?", I'm not only asking them, I'm asking me.

This increases my awareness enough to now recognise this voice better, allow it space to speak, present the evidence against its claims, thank it for its contribution, and usher it gently towards the exit of my mind.

4. The burden of proof is in the eye of the beholder

In the midst of doping allegations, the cyclist Lance Armstrong called out the journalist who had accused him, with the powerful line below.

"Extraordinary allegations require extraordinary evidence"

I've learned this concept can be used both ways (especially when coaching logical thinkers), with awesome results.

If a client believes "I'm not enough" to be true, I can treat it as an extraordinary allegation. What evidence supports this? Not being chosen, for example, isn't evidence because you could be overqualified, just not fit the team or a thousand other reasons.

When there is no proof to support any particular theory, I wonder what can happen when you choose not to believe the one that brings you down, in replacement for the one that brings you up?

If they struggle to believe "I am enough", who's voice does that inner critic have?What would enough look like? What evidence can we list? A brainstorming exercise aiming to reach a specific number can encourage the client to dig deep enough to find a hidden reservoir of answers they may not have even considered.

As with any coaching, these answers must be found by the client, because the burden of proof is in the eye of the beholder - It doesn't matter what others see in us, if we don't see it in ourselves

Evidence and facts, however, can help see another truth.

5. Identify what is the truth, and what is the story

A wise man once said to me, "Two truths can exist in the same space"

I've heard a few versions of this, but being aware of there not being just one truth has changed the way I approach truth as a concept, and has helped me identify which is being spoken about when with a client, or my inner critic.

It is the burden of truths.

"I've come to realise there are three categories of truth - personal truth, political truth, and objective truth." Neil deGrasse Tyson

Objective truths are facts that can be proven - 1000 people see and report the exact same thing, so there is no doubt. Personal truths aren't objective but true to the individual - forget statistics, I experience this. Then there is political truth which becomes true when reinforced over time - a misused quote, or society's change of opinion as more discoveries are made.

For example, an objective truth could be how much I weigh, a personal truth could be that I'm skinny, and a political truth could be whether this is considered desirable or attractive or not.

Whether with a client or myself, I try to get back to objective truth as soon as possible, because you quickly realise that everything else is a story we create - once you realise that, you realise you can change that story.

The simplest illustration is the Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) framework. Your thoughts dictate your emotions, which influence your actions, which contribute to your reality.

What are your thoughts built on? Your beliefs.

And so...

Helping myself by helping clients and teams break through limiting beliefs to unleash their potential has become my personal goal, and I want to begin within the professional and leadership arenas - especially businesses struggling to attract and retain talent of the global majority

That is my mission. My pledge. Please keep me accountable

If you enjoyed this, please let me know your thoughts and experiences.

I am, because we are.

#EbunolaGlobal