***HELP NEEDED*** to prepare a shy bloke to become a TED Talk hopeful

As a kid I was excruciatingly shy. My earliest childhood memories involve me crying unconsolably at friends’ parties, waiting for my mum to come and take me home. I was that kid who clammed up embarrassingly in front of strangers, and only felt at ease in the company of one or two close friends. 

The introversion continued in my 20’s. Crowded lecture theatres at University filled me with utter panic. How I successfully navigate 3 years of lectures without asking or answering one single question remains a mystery.

Nowadays, as a coach and people development geek, I’ve done the inner-work on myself and realised that an unhelpful parental belief was governing my behaviour:

“CHILDREN SHOULD BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD”

So hopefully it makes sense why I’m asking for your help during my self-imposed ‘Year of Speaking’.  A purposeful leap into my stretch zone. A conscious choice to upgrade my self-limiting beliefs, embrace the fear, and talk more (not made any easier by CV19)

***YOUR HELP HERE*** 

Please watch my practise TEDx talk video (apologies about the birdsong) (15 mins)

Read the script below 

Send me your feed-forward (as opposed to feed-back) What Went Well and Even Better If style

And if/when I find myself on the red spot of a TED stage, I'll aim to give you a shout out somehow

Thank you.   Simon. [email protected] www.coachforaday.co.uk

"I’m watching you….

How do you feel about that? Maybe you like it?

I’m not talking about being noticed - I think most of us want to be noticed, heard and valued. I’m talking about being watched.

(stare for a long time at audience)

It’s getting a bit creepy now isn’t it…

Well it turns out that we’ve a strange relationship with being watched.

IN some situations you’re OK, and others, not OK with it.

I mean look at the person next to you. They’ve been watching you already and you didn’t get creeped out (hopefully)

We’re being watched all the time ! On public transport, walking down the street, in the office.

And for those of us who are parents… well, our kids watch us more than we know - every one of our beliefs, behaviour, our responses & reactions, all acting as a blueprint on young minds

Well, if it meant you could get even better at your job, would you be OK with me watching you work?

In the world of aviation, pilots undergo annual observations called ‘Recurrents’. Upto 24 hours of observation annually, and for many pilots like my cousin, Nick, it’s the best way to learn. Many years ago, when Nick had just qualified as an instructor, he walked into the simulator rig one day to find two of the RAF’s most experienced Hercules C-130 pilots waiting for their Recurrent.  

These two guys had racked up over 20,000 flying hours together, you name it they’d flown it - dangerous combat ops, peacetime missions they’d travelled the world side-by-side in the cockpit of this iconic military transport aircraft, and after spending so long flying together had developed their own special ways and practices of doing things. 

Along comes my cousin, a fresh-faced rookie, to conduct their observation. He observes them doing their own thing - which wasn’t in line with some protocol of accepted best practice. Nick has to mention it, fairly and professionally. On the first day he got told to shove his observations up his…. use your imagination. On the second day he got told to shove his observations in the same place you thought of before. Day 3 and the pilots were again flying the simulator. Through sheer irony, they fell foul of their special way of doing things - which resulted in them crashing the plane! 

One of the highly decorated pilots storms out of the simulator. After some moments of silence the remaining co-pilot reaches the all-important confession point “OK”, he said “let’s talk about what I need to do so that this NEVER happens again” By crashing their plane in the sim, these two pilots experienced the emotional anchor needed to make their learning stick. 

Some things can ONLY be ACHIEVED THROUGH OBSERVATION and REALISATION - NOT ON A COURSE - these pilots had a huge ego block to learning, and yet experienced the most powerful realisation through observation. 

So it turns out Observation is a really powerful way for humans to learn.

I think that’s because Observation has two special components - and the Herc pilots experienced both:

FIRST: it’s IMMEDIATE - not like a classroom or a book where you store up the knowledge for later use - that’s what we call a big Learning Gap, and knowledge is like fresh food - if you don’t use it, it goes off. No, Observation has a tiny learning gap - I know then I do, in-the-moment

the SECOND special component of Observation is that it’s an emotional and challenging experience to be watched, and that means it’s sticky:

The night I asked my girlfriend to marry me, I recall the way that the moonlight cast a silvery path across the Mediterranean Sea to the horizon, and the warmth of the Cypriot breeze as I began my well-rehearsed spiel: “once you’ve finished that glass of champagne” I said “I’m going to ask you to marry me” - always one for a challenge, she downed the champagne in one “go on then” she dared - I took one knee “would you do me the honour…. you know how it goes folks” then we got naked and went swimming - there were three full moons that night - much to the amusement of the other couples making out on the sunbeds. That was 20 years ago - still vivid to me.

Emotion is recorded in our deep limbic brain and acts as an anchor to enhance recall power. RAGE, INSULT, JOY, PAIN, SURPRISE - AND YES, LOVE so let’s test it out - turn to the person beside you and tell them the name of your first crush. It’s an immediate recall. If you heard someone say your name right then, take a feelgood moment for yourself my friend - you get to bask in the glory of being someone’s first crush.

So Observation integrates the two magic learning components of REAL TIME and EMOTION that work really well to help us learn stuff. 

We see it all around us - in the world of elite sport, observation is a cornerstone of coach/athlete relationship. Would you expect to watch Serena Williams play any tennis Grand Slam without coach Patrick Mouratoglou observing her game from the VIP area - of course not. What about the half time conversation in the dressing room of one of the world’s most successful teams: the New Zealand All Blacks? 

During the first few minutes of the half time break, players grab a drink and talk amongst themselves. They then split into two groups, the backs and forwards while coaches ask questions along the lines of 'what are you seeing, what are you doing, what are you experiencing'.

Then the head coach might then show one video clip with a short observational message before the team head back onto the pitch.

No uplifting, inspirational speeches. Rarely any blow-ups. Simply instant Observation & reflection & action the number of times the All Blacks go on to demolish their opposition through the second half!

In Education Professor Matt O’Leary is leading the movement for using teacher-on teacher lesson observations as a way of simply helping teachers & lecturers to improve their quality. 

Matt, who’s one of the directors of CSPACE (Centre for the Study of Practice and Culture in Education) an Educational research centre in Birmingham,realised that when observations are used as a weapon of judgment and assessment, in style of the traditional Ofsted Inspections, there’s very little improvement in teacher quality. In fact the stress, nervousness and plain unjustness has meant that teachers put up barriers, or worse start faking their own development to look good for inspection

Matt and his colleagues help teachers to break down these barriers, and turn observation into a collaborative learning opportunity that teachers are choosing to participate in. Once able to overcome the awkwardness, and with a bit of work refining their coaching skills, teachers are reporting record levels of engagement. 

One of the participants in his research(an early years lecturer from a big English university) described peer observation in these terms: ‘[CoPO] has given us the oxygen to breathe . . . when you’re given the oxygen, it helps to breathe new life into your thinking and your teaching.’

So if Observation is such a powerful way to learn, how comes leaders aren’t champing at the bit to be watched?

For more than two decades I’ve been both a leader, and now a leadership coach, and yet there’s so much resistance to Observation! 

I don’t mean the superficial platitudes leaders get from 360 degree feedback - I’m talking about proper impartial development conversations with someone you trust by your side, whilst you work…. lots of powerful coaching moments interspersed throughout the day.

Why do you think that leaders might resist being watched? 

Experience tells me that leaders fear that the pain of being observed will outweigh the benefit. It’s not surprising when organisational culture is so often a power game. The best leaders are adept in the subtle art of politics, positioning and perception. Just like any power game there are winners and losers, with weaknesses to be exposed and leveraged for gain. 

This behaviour is what Mara & Stephen Klemich, founders of the Heartstyles philosophy, would call ‘Below The Line self promoting’. Egotistical control, competition, striving, and undermining others to promote oneself. Why would any such leader in this power game willingly expose themselves to the vulnerability of observation, the admission of blindspots, or having to face up to a personal weakness ? 

So there are both personal and cultural obstacles stopping leaders from feeling 100% comfortable using observation for leadership development.

But get over them we must. We owe it to our employees to become better leaders, faster.

And we owe it to ourselves to innovate and ask the question: how can we do this better? 

There’s urgency here - we’re stood on a burning platform because right now, two thirds of leaders attending leadership development programmes return to work and confess their behaviour didn’t change, 

Now is the time to take observational learning to where leaders need it most - on the front line every day

The prize is huge for leaders and organisations who harness the transformative power of Observation:

One of the organisations exemplifying real and rapid learning is Next Jump, a $2bn ecommerce business headquartered in NYC. The co-CEOs, Charlie Kim & Meghan Messenger have built a world-class learning culture based on deep awareness of blindspots (they call them ‘our backhands’). Ultimately Next Jump has become a vehicle for people development and revenue - not just revenue. And in a sector that suffers from 40%+ labour turnover, Next Jump’s turnover of staff is virtually ZERO - Next Jumpers LOVE their organisation, and it’s a place where TIME SPENT DEVELOPING PEOPLE IS THE BUSINESS - IT’S NOT AN ADDITIONAL TASK, and therefore it’s everyone’s responsibility.

Next Jump have many initiatives that have brought them to the world’s attention. Every employee is paired up with a Talk Partner - a trusted confidante, a sounding board, a friend - providing a tight relationship through which to navigate the adversity and vulnerability of blindspots so encouraged by this company, and yet avoided by others.

Imagine sharing an emotional journey with someone who has your back, and you have theirs - no matter whether you’re having a good day or bad?

But Talking Partners aren’t just there to be your bezzie mate or hit the gym with - they push you. They Observe you in leadership situations. They challenge you with the feedback you need rather than want, they give the tough love necessary to ensure you’re in the stretch zone - to make sure you’re out of your depth both personally and professionally. And you do the same for them. Why? Because feeling uncomfortably supported is exactly where the learning is. In real time, and emotional, just like Observational Learning should be. There is no Practise Field or simulator at Next Jump - all learning is in the live business. 

Observation, with it’s zero learning gap and emotional glue, is empowering pilots to fly planes better, teachers to educate better, elite athletes to win, and helps world class organisations become places of work where every employee feels engaged, and appreciated. 

And if it’s going to work for you, the common principles need to hold true: 

TRUST built on TOGETHERNESS …. HONEST (sometimes difficult) PERSONAL REALISATION …. and ALWAYS with the POSITIVE INTENT of personal growth - not to judge, grade or performance manage…

If you believe, as I do, that our future depends on better quality leadership, then it’s time to step up with courage. Because hiding behind numbers, output, heavy workload or a big ego to avoid the hard work of self-development is easy. 

But if you REALLY want to be inspirational, you want to be wiser, feel more connected to others, to bring people and resources together to achieve something far greater than the sum of its parts? Then seek the discomfort. Be open to observation....and Invite someone you trust to ‘watch you’.