Help! I’m Scared of Saying the Wrong Thing: How to Overcome Fear and Embrace Inclusive Conversations

After watching my colleague Brooklyn Norton deliver our workshop called "Help: I'm scared of saying the wrong thing ", I was inspired to write this article and share their knowledge with you. Brooklyn gets full credit for designing and delivering this workshop.

Many of us worry about saying the wrong thing, particularly when it comes to diversity and inclusion. Whether in the workplace or in social settings, the fear of unintentionally offending someone can stop us from engaging in meaningful conversations. This fear, while common, can prevent important discussions that lead to greater understanding and inclusion.

But why do so many people feel this way, and more importantly, how can we move past it to foster more open, inclusive environments?

Why Do We Feel Scared of Saying the Wrong Thing?

Fear of saying the wrong thing is not unusual, especially in professional environments where people want to avoid embarrassment or causing unintended harm. Below are the main reasons why people feel this fear:

• Fear of causing offence: People worry that they might upset others by using the wrong words or phrases. This fear often arises from a lack of understanding or knowledge about certain issues related to race, gender, disability, or sexual orientation.
• Lack of confidence: We often avoid topics we don’t feel confident discussing. If we don’t have a personal connection to a topic, or we haven’t educated ourselves thoroughly, we might feel like we’re unqualified to speak about it.
• Cancel culture concerns: Many fear that making a mistake in conversation could lead to social backlash or public criticism. The idea that a well-intended remark might result in significant personal or professional consequences can be paralysing.
• Perception of not being “qualified” to speak on the topic: People often believe that if they don’t belong to a marginalised group, they have no right to speak about related issues, fearing that they’ll come across as uninformed or offensive.

This fear, though understandable, leads to missed opportunities. It often results in unintentional exclusion, where people avoid conversations altogether instead of engaging in meaningful dialogue that could promote inclusion and understanding.

But the good news is that we can all learn how to overcome these fears. It starts with shifting our mindset and embracing the idea that mistakes are part of learning and growth.

The Cost of Avoiding Conversations About Inclusion

When we avoid conversations about diversity and inclusion, we limit ourselves in several ways. Not only do we close ourselves off from important perspectives, but we also risk contributing to a culture of exclusion without realising it. Here’s what can happen when we let fear stop us from engaging:

• Exclusion becomes normalised: If we stop engaging with people who are different from us, we reinforce barriers that prevent inclusion. In a workplace context, this means missing out on diverse perspectives that can drive creativity and innovation.
• We limit our personal growth: Avoiding uncomfortable conversations prevents us from developing greater empathy and understanding of the world around us. Learning about the experiences of others is an essential part of personal and professional growth.
• Organisations miss out on innovation: A lack of diverse ideas and perspectives can lead to stagnation. Studies have shown that more inclusive workplaces benefit from higher levels of creativity and innovation.

How to Move Past the Fear of Saying the Wrong Thing

So, how do we move through this fear? The key lies in shifting our mindset and being proactive in our efforts to create more inclusive conversations.

Here are five practical steps to help you engage in meaningful, inclusive conversations without fear:

1. Embrace Vulnerability One of the most important steps in overcoming the fear of saying the wrong thing is to embrace vulnerability. It’s okay to admit that you don’t know everything or that you might make mistakes. What matters is your willingness to learn and grow. Vulnerability creates the space for more honest and open conversations.

If you’re worried about using the wrong words or offending someone, be upfront about it. A simple statement like, “I’m not sure of the right language to use here, but I’d love to understand your perspective,” can go a long way in showing that your intentions are good.

By admitting your uncertainty, you open the door to constructive dialogue rather than shutting down the conversation altogether.

1. Ask Open-Ended Questions Rather than assuming you know what someone might be going through or what they might prefer, it’s always better to ask respectful, open-ended questions. These types of questions allow the other person to share their experiences in their own words, and it shows that you’re genuinely interested in learning.

Some examples of open-ended questions include:

1. “I’d love to hear your perspective on this topic.”
2. “Can you share more about your experience with this issue?”
3. “What’s the best way to approach this situation from your point of view?”

Open-ended questions encourage dialogue and help you avoid making assumptions. They also give the other person control over how much they want to share, making it a more comfortable exchange.

1. Adopt a Growth Mindset Adopting a growth mindset means being open to learning, improving, and accepting that mistakes are part of the process. We all have biases, and it’s important to recognise that overcoming them is an ongoing journey.

Engage in continuous learning by reading books, attending workshops, listening to podcasts, and seeking out resources that broaden your understanding of diversity and inclusion. Importantly, this learning should come from a wide variety of perspectives, particularly those from marginalised groups.

This approach allows you to continually educate yourself without relying on others to explain everything to you. It also helps you build confidence in having these conversations, as you become more informed and aware.

1. Be an Ally Allyship is an essential part of fostering inclusion. Being an ally means using your voice and platform to support underrepresented groups, even if you don’t share their experiences. It’s about listening, learning, and taking action to create more equitable environments.

Here are a few practical ways to be an ally:

1. Join affinity groups or networks: Even if you’re not part of a marginalised group, you can still participate in diversity networks at your workplace. These groups often welcome allies who want to learn and support the community.
2. Use your influence: If you’re in a position of authority or influence, speak up when you notice exclusionary behaviour or policies. Use your platform to amplify the voices of marginalised individuals.
3. Educate yourself: Don’t rely on others to educate you. Take the initiative to learn about the issues that affect marginalised communities, whether through reading, attending events, or listening to others’ experiences.

Being an ally is an ongoing commitment. It’s about taking consistent action and showing up for others, even when it feels uncomfortable.

1. Build Trust and Psychological Safety Creating an environment where people feel safe to express themselves is key to having inclusive conversations. This requires building trust and ensuring that everyone feels heard and respected.

As leaders and team members, we should foster an environment of psychological safety, where people feel comfortable being themselves without fear of judgment or repercussions. This includes encouraging open dialogue, acknowledging mistakes, and showing that you’re willing to learn from them.

Trust is built over time, but it starts with small, consistent actions—such as checking in with team members, actively listening to their concerns, and being open about your own journey toward greater inclusivity.

What to Do When You Make a Mistake

No matter how hard we try, mistakes are inevitable. The good news is that making a mistake doesn’t have to be a disaster. What’s important is how we respond when things go wrong.

Here are some simple yet powerful phrases you can use to acknowledge and learn from your mistakes:

• “Thanks for bringing that to my attention.”
• “I see how what I said could have been misinterpreted. I’ll be more mindful in the future.”
• “I didn’t know that, but I’m glad you told me.”

These responses show that you’re open to feedback and committed to improving. It’s also helpful to ask follow-up questions to deepen your understanding, such as:

• “I’d love to learn more about this. Can you share additional resources or insights?”

By responding with humility and a willingness to learn, you show that you’re committed to personal growth and fostering a more inclusive environment.

Moving Forward: The Journey Towards Inclusion

Fear of saying the wrong thing is natural, but it shouldn’t hold you back from having meaningful conversations about diversity and inclusion. The key is to approach these conversations with vulnerability, curiosity, and a commitment to learning. By doing so, we create a culture where everyone feels heard, valued, and respected.

Here are some final takeaways to help you on your journey:

• Vulnerability is a strength: Being open about your uncertainties builds trust and opens the door for more honest conversations.
• Ask questions: Show a genuine interest in learning about others by asking open-ended questions and listening to their experiences.
• Be an ally: Support marginalised groups by using your voice and platform to advocate for inclusion.
• Mistakes are part of the process: Don’t be afraid to make mistakes—what matters is how you respond and learn from them.

Remember, diversity and inclusion are everyone’s responsibility. It’s not just the job of HR or your diversity manager—it’s something we all need to take ownership of. By embracing these tips and pushing through the fear of saying the wrong thing, we can create workplaces and communities where everyone feels included.

In the end, diversity and inclusion work is ongoing. There’s no finish line, but every step we take brings us closer to creating a more equitable world.