Help! I'm a People Pleaser!

First a quote: “Self-Care is giving the world the best of you… not the rest of you.” – Katie Reed

Hello and happy April Fool’s Day!

(This was one of my dad’s favorite days… he so loved playing April Fool’s Day jokes on people. I miss him, and his pranks, a lot today. This coming Wednesday would have been his 96th birthday.)

I had a wonderfully rich conversation, this past week with a good friend, about the personal costs associated with being a “habitual people pleaser.” We discussed several variations of detrimental approval-seeking behaviors including that of also being a “parent-pleaser.”

While discussing that topic, I reflected on other conversations I have had over the years about the high emotional cost of striving to please our parents, sometimes to no avail. For so many of my friends, there seems to have been a never-ending struggle for their parent’s approval, validation, and/or even worse, their parent’s love and affection. Perhaps that is a topic for another day.

“I can’t tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.” ― Ed Sheeran

Today, my focus is on “people-pleasing” in general.

This topic is deeply personal for me. I am very aware of my own strong need to be “liked” by others. People-pleasing is deeply embedded in my personal values, beliefs, thinking, behaviors, and often, my relational struggles with the important people in my life.

I value serving others, and whenever possible, making others happy! Nothing is as gratifying to me as knowing I have made a positive difference in someone else’s day, life, or career. So, let’s be clear, people-pleasing is, and can be, a good thing for many reasons.

Like many things in life, everything in moderation is a wise principle to keep in mind. What we’re exploring today is when our people-pleasing behaviors cross-over and become destructive forces in our lives, relationships, and careers.

Wanting to make others happy and maintain harmonious relationships is natural. There seems to be a fine line between being considerate of others’ needs and sacrificing one’s own well-being for the sake of gaining approval or avoiding conflict.

At its core, people-pleasing involves prioritizing the desires and expectations of others above our own. While these desires and behaviors can foster positive relationships and smooth interactions, they can also lead to a myriad of relational challenges when taken to extreme.

Constantly putting the needs of others over our own may result in neglecting your own personal needs and desires. Over time, this can lead to resentment, burnout, and a diminished sense of self-worth.

Moreover, fear of conflict or rejection may compel people to avoid expressing their true thoughts and feelings, leading to a cycle of passive-aggressive behavior and emotional suppression. This not only hampers an authentic connection with other human beings, but it also limits personal growth and fulfillment.

Here is one simple, but common example:

When selecting a restaurant with friends or family, how many of us haven’t said, or heard, something like, “I don’t care where we go. Where do you want to go? I don’t know, where do you want to go?” And then, after several rounds of this by all parties, the group ends up at a restaurant no one preferred; almost everyone is disappointed and perhaps even secretly resents the final choice.

“Stress, anxiety, and depression are caused when we are living to please others.” – Paulo Coelho

So, when does being a people-pleaser cross over the threshold and into problematic territory?

It’s crucial to recognize the signs, such as chronic stress, feelings of resentment, difficulty saying no, and a constant need for the validation of others. Breaking free from the grip of people-pleasing behaviors requires self-awareness, assertiveness, and self-compassion.

Are you an excessive people-pleaser? Here are a few strategies for your consideration:

• Prioritize Self-Care – Make sure to prioritize time for recharging and relaxing. Do things that bring you joy, happiness, and fulfillment. ?Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for your overall well-being.
• Set Boundaries – Identify what is important to you and communicate your boundaries clearly to others. Whether it’s in personal relationships, or at work, setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining balance and preventing burnout.
• Practice Saying No – Start small by politely declining requests or invitations that don’t align with your priorities and values. Remember, saying “no” doesn’t make you a bad person; it means you’re respecting your boundaries.
• Challenge Negative Beliefs – Examine the beliefs and fears that drive your people-pleasing behavior. Recognize that prioritizing your needs doesn’t mean you’re letting others down or being selfish.
• Seek Support – Surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, or even a mentor who can help you navigate your people-pleasing tendencies and work towards positive change.

Breaking free from people-pleasing requires self-awareness, assertiveness, self-compassion, and perhaps even some well-practiced negotiating skills. Recognizing when people-pleasing becomes a problem is the first step in fostering healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

I know I have work to do in this area. How about you?

The “people-pleaser” in me wants to know if you approved of this article!? ??

Related Articles:

• Click here to read: You Can't Light the Way with an Empty Lamp!

How will you live, love, or lead, differently, or better, this coming week?

Sincerely,

Bryan Yager

“Expanding Your Capacity for Success”

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Bonus Quotes:

• “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
• “The man who seeks to please God is the man who people are pleased with. The man who seeks to please others won’t satisfy anyone.” – Edwin Louis Cole
• “When you engage in people pleasing, you are out of integrity with yourself, your goals, your dreams, and your life’s mission.” – Eileen Anglin
• “When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” – Paulo Coelho
• “There is something very addictive about people pleasing. It’s a thought pattern and a habit that feels really, really good… until it becomes desperate.” – Anne Hathaway
• “Your life isn’t yours if you constantly care what others think.” – Norm Kelly
• “Sometimes you aren’t listening to your body because you’re listening to everybody else’s expectations.” – Ann Voskamp