This Helicopter Mom is Grounded

We always knew our son?was unique, we just never could have imagined how that would manifest as he grew up.?

We adopted Alex and brought him home at 4 days old. It was a fairly uneventful first few years, give or take some colic and a few bouts of ear infections. Just a cute lil guy, who loved to be read to, loved to play and build with his big legos.?

As he got older, his shyness started to show. He had an interesting coping tactic when we went to the park. He would bring his favorite toy that "did something" like played a noise, flipped open or flashed lights. It was his way of "pied-pipering" the kids to him, rather than having to go to them. Ingenious for a 3 y.o., truth be told. We found it endearing, rather than a possible issue later in life.

Alex also had an issue when we'd go to restaurants. It was too much for him. The noise, the conversations, the decisions that had to be made. We didn't know what it was, we just thought maybe he was sensitive. We would give him an iPad or phone to play a game, and he would settle down and be able to concentrate and talk to us.

It was eery?that he could repeat to?us the conversations happening around us. We wouldn't hear anything out of the ordinary, but he would.

It carried over to classroom disruptions as he progressed in school, and by fifth grade, began to affect his behavior and test scores.

Alex has always been a stickler for the rules. What an adult said was law. He would get so upset when kids were screwing around in class, to the point of breaking pencils, tearing paper, or even breaking his glasses. During a test, if someone was tapping a pencil, it was enough to put him off his game and he'd barely finish the test. He began to withdraw, he never raised his hand, he didn't want to be the center of attention. It was affecting friendships, grades and his self confidence.

An inclusion advisor asked us if we had thought of having him tested. Tested for what? She said, "for executive function issues or ADHD." I said, "but he's not hyper?" She let us know he didn't have to be hyper, there were other signs.

We had him tested.

Testing took?two days, 3-4 hours each day, of one-on-one questioning and review. As it turned out, our 10 y.o. had ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder (now it is under an ADHD designation based on the issue). He was super sensitive to the noise?and?easily distracted by outside?discussions, all the things that most of us edit out and select not to hear. He also had a 120 IQ that the Dr. thought would probably be higher if tested after getting some medical help, and some rebuilding of his self esteem.

Fast forward, 2.5 years later. We have a therapist he sees every two weeks to work on recognizing triggers, trying to build his self esteem back, and he's taking Concerta (a time-released Ritalin derivative), an ADHD med that is suppose to help him during the day.

Well, several pairs of broken glasses?&?dozens of broken pencils later, with?grades that were scraping the floor, I decided to "helicopter" my son, thinking that "structure and checklists" would?mitigate the grade decent.

It's was 7th grade, new teachers, new topics, fewer successes, massive homework, and me...micromanaging him on everything.?

"Here's your homework that is late, and the homework that's due tomorrow. You have to read, don't forget your rubric for the reading, and I haven't seen your ixl work?!" He basically shut down.?

We fought hard to get his grades up to 1- A, 3-Bs and a C.?

His self esteem was at the bottom. He hardly saw his friends. He spent all of his time on his Xbox or watching YouTube videos. He had regressed to the point that he couldn't even look at a waitress and tell them what he wanted to eat. He was angry or argumentative a lot of the time. He began to say, "I should just kill myself," "You'll be happy when I'm gone," "Just kill me."?

Then we had a visit with his therapist, it was a family visit. It was in the summer, and he was NOT happy. By the time we got there, he was in a ball, and he was pissed.

Our therapist said, "I think you need to take him to Lurie Children's and have him admitted into the children's psyche ward. I'm afraid he is going to hurt himself. This will get them into their in-patient, intensive program faster too."

We were shell shocked. What? Psychiatric ward? Hurt himself??All the kids his age talked about killing themselves, it was just a shock comment, wasn't it? You mean, our kid... it might mean more?

We met with him and the therapist and discussed her concerns. We heard her, and we were concerned as well, but we really didn't believe he was at the point of harming himself that evening. (We later figured out that he somehow had gotten away without eating anything for lunch, and was probably going through a hypoglycemic episode.)

But the next day, I called Lurie and got us an appointment to talk with someone. This had gone on so long, and it was continuing to spiral downward. He wasn't happy. He was so depressed. He was anxious about school starting. It was painful to watch him go through this, especially after having been a reasonably social, A-student, who had the best laugh to this depressed, headphone wearing, hermit.

Alex was nervous, but even he wanted to feel better. We met with their Intensive In-Patient Program therapist. She was wonderful. But she also realized that perhaps their program was overkill for him. While she confirmed that Alex was depressed, she also acknowledged the incapacitating anxiety. She recommended a program where they had intensive treatment, but it was out-patient [IOP - Intensive Out-Patient] and they were only treating kids like Alex, who suffered from ADHD/ADD, anxiety and depression.?

We made another appointment.

They got us in quickly. He would be going through their program, Monday through Friday, from 9AM-1:30PM. There would be group therapy, one-on-one sessions, meetings with the psychiatrist, art therapy and more. He would learn coping skills, trigger recognition and we would try different medications to help alleviate his symptoms, allowing him successes and positive results. With each success, we could hope that he would start the climb out of the hole he had created to hide.?

They warned us, "he probably will complain or fight you on coming, but when it's time for us to let him go, he'll want to stay."?

Alex went back to school today. We all worried. We all were anxious. But we ALL powered through, no one more than Alex.

As he sat in the car, outside the school, he eyed the "welcome" gauntlet that had developed as parents dropped their kids off at the front door. There was Father J, the Principle and the Head of Schools. There were his classmates getting kissed and released by their parents.

Alex tipped his head down, and I could hear the deep breath in... then out. And again, ...in... than out. I said, "I love ya, Bud." He returned with an, "I love you too." And he got out of the car and headed through the crowd.

While I've realized my "helicoptering" was anxiety inducing last year, I'm still allowed to be a worrying mom. The roles are very different.?

I left work early to pick him up. I got him a cold drink and a snack. I made sure I was there ahead of time, and I waited.?

I saw him round the corner and head toward my car. His face bore a smile. He opened the door, sat down, guzzled the Gatorade I had gotten him and launched in to his first day. It was a series of plusses and minuses, but overall, he was joking around...he realized he has survived.

It was my turn to breath deep and exhale.

At a break in the conversation, he added, "I miss [IOP group]. The days are shorter, and the kids are a lot nicer to each other." They were right. He did miss it, but he's also much stronger and building on his skills they have given him.

He looks forward to their "after school" program, that he'll be starting in a week or so. It's continued support for the work he's already done, and hopes to continue.?

Alex wants to be happy. Those are his words. I can see in his eyes, that he feels like he could be one day, maybe sooner than later.?

#adhd #motherhood #working mom