A Heavy Weight on My Heart

There's something I've wanted to post about for ages as it's always on my mind and affects my life hugely. But it didn't seem like the right time.

But maybe it will never feel comfortable to talk about.

As parents, we are all very used to our own children. And as much as we know them better than anyone and can sense when something is wrong and they're ill, sometimes it's harder to know if they're different.

Children are all individuals after all. But when does behaviour creep into that which needs extra support or understanding or perhaps even medication. It's not always that obvious.

My daughter is 7. She's always been fiery and a real bright spark, walking at nine months and talking in sentences whilst most peers were still stumbling over their first one or two words.

Never a fan of new people or strangers I found myself making excuses when she blanked people, I believe I was similar when I was young, and soon you get classed as shy and people expect less from you.

Yes I was known as shy and sullen as a child. Shocking right? ?????♀?

But she's socially strong with children her own age and academically is doing really well once she put her mind to it.

So, what's to worry about? School actually wished they had a whole class of Hannahs.

Well at home it's not so easy. There's toilet issues, and behaviour problems with screaming at the tiniest thing. Struggling for hours to sleep. It's actually been a nightmare at times. It's been pushing me to breaking point.

Clearly she's struggling with emotions and things like hunger or tiredness trigger outbursts (again something I can relate to, so I always excused it).

It's hard to admit really as I have been blaming myself, maybe I'm not a good enough parent, or I'm doing something wrong. I've always taken a very gentle and child led approach, but maybe I'm too laid back etc.

Then someone said something in passing, and I saw her behaviours more objectively and I can suddenly see there's something different going on. That perhaps the tantrums aren't the same as an average 7 year old.

I believe it may be autism, clearly quite high functioning, but girls apparently mask very well and go without diagnosis for years due to this.

So, having done some research I'm paying for a private assessment to be done in April (NHS waiting lists are 2+ years even if they let you on the list).

But let me tell you, it's been a real rollercoaster for my emotions since I had the realisation and made the decision. As I feel guilt, sadness, worry, relief, a whole mix of things!

But already making changes to help her has made a difference. A white board with a day planned out by the hour. Sensory toys. Helping her tidy and organise toys. Allowing lots of quiet time in her room. But having to structure days quite rigidly is hard for me personally as it's the opposite of how I like to live. It does help us as a family though, so it's worth it.

Bedtimes still take a LONG time though, as she really struggles to drop off (we've tried everything).

I don't think I've been fully present in most other things in my life for the last month or so because of it all, including LinkedIn, so I'm hoping talking about it more openly will really help.

I feel like it's the first step in a long journey with my daughter, but that understanding her will only help her long term. And hopefully give her strategies to cope with the areas of life she struggles with. A diagnosis will also allow us to get help at school if and when it's needed.

It all feels quite daunting, we all want life to be easy for our children, but let's face it, it never will be anyway. 2020 showed us all just how fragile even our basic freedoms are when it comes to it. But she has me in her corner and I'm always going to try my absolute best to support her, and my son, however they need me.

I'm not asking for advice, just to be clear, but if you have any experience to share feel free to.

And lastly, thanks for reading. ???