“The Heartbeat: The lessons of 2023.”

A weekly email for women entrepreneurs of color filled with powerful mindset techniques to create a life + business you love.

Recently, I’ve been waking up throughout the night with big aha moments.

It’s as though my conscious mind is catching me during subconscious and unconscious mental processing so that I can finally “get it.”

At 3 am last week, I woke up next to my partner with a clear realization:

“Oh, it’s not my job to take care of his emotions.”

Then:

“Ohmigod, this is the first time in my life where I am in a relationship with someone where it’s not my job to make sure they’re happy.”

I turned onto my back. I closed my eyes and let that sink in.

I am 45 years old. For all of my life, I have been responsible for managing someone else’s emotional terrain for me to feel “safe.”

It started with my parents.

With trying to mediate between them and create a diversion, so that they wouldn’t blow up at each other. Then, when I caught their attention, I became the target of their ire, which meant I had to figure out what to do to make it stop.

It went on to my extended family.

To the relationships I unknowingly chose, because the dysfunction was so familiar to me.

I could never put my feelings first —?I always had to tend to someone else.

A long time ago, an intuitive told me:

“If you’re dealing with fellow adults, it’s not your job to take care OF them. You can care FOR them, but you don’t have to take care OF them unless they’re infirm or in need.”

Before I fully grasped how to make myself a priority, I became a mother.

Then, I became a divorced mother navigating much more than raising another human being.

It’s only now that I’m grasping what life could look like as I free myself of the burden of having to “fix it” for everyone else.

The other big aha came when I was looking at a text message. It was similar to so many I’ve been getting this past month: antagonistic, argumentative, blaming.

As I stared at the letters on the screen, I finally realized:

“Oh, this isn’t about me. This text message reveals much more about his own pain and state of mind than anything about me.”

Then:

“Oh, I get it now. Everything he’s saying is showing me what he actually thinks and feels about himself.”

As 2024 comes to a close, my book-writing accountability partner leaned back from his computer screen, arms across his chest, and asked:

“You do so much to help so many other people —?who in your life is doing that for you?”

My first thought went to the man I woke up next to with that 3 am epiphany.

The one who has helped me to finally, finally experience an equal relationship, where we can care deeply FOR one another. We even help take care OF one another when we need to, but it’s not because I need to do that to make myself feel safe —?I get to do that because of my genuine love for him.

His consistent nature, unyielding dedication to me and our growth together, and his deep desire to truly know me are allowing me to BE in a way I’ve never been free to be before.

As I embark on this next year, I keep having moments where it’s almost as though my higher self starts quietly speaking to me, showing me, “Oh, this is another one of those moments where it’s time to have healthier boundaries,” and then I start to make the changes I need to allow that to happen.

I am finally, finally putting myself and my needs at the forefront of creating a good life.

The last big lesson I’m coming to see now is:

I only have one child. I only have this go-around with her to experience all of her growing up.

If I continue to choose to let this time be overshadowed by the challenges I face in co-parenting, then I will miss out on this beautiful opportunity to be WITH my daughter in all the ways I want to. I don’t want to look back on this era with any regret or sorrow.

So, my three big wisdom takeaways this year are:

1. I can let everyone handle themselves, which gives me the freedom to focus on what I truly want and need because I’ve worked really hard to get here, and to have the people in my life who champion me every single day.
2. Sometimes, people can’t handle other people’s happiness. That joy-filled light illuminates their shadows. The easier thing to do when you’re down is to react as opposed to reflect. Even when people target their feelings at me, I don’t have to make their darkness mine. I can just keep shining.
3. There will always be elements of life beyond my control. As my partner often says, “Control the controllables.” In this journey of parenthood, I can make sure I soak up every minute of being the kind of mother I want to be to have the relationship with my daughter I want to have. No matter what. The external circumstances are simply reminders for me to be ever more present, ever more available, and ever more connected.

What are your big takeaways from 2023? I would love to know. Please comment on my post if you feel inspired to share!

Tune in to the latest episode 107 of my F*ck Saving Face podcast…

Listen to Ai Vuong, filmmaker, share her journey and why she believes highlighting human-centered stories can help change the world.

?Listen Now?

If you didn’t catch it last week… I’m gifting a book + a coaching session for F*ck Saving Face podcast listeners!

Editors at Penguin Random House found me on IG to ask if I would interview two of their upcoming authors, co-founders of The Yellow Chair Collective: Soo Jin Lee and Linda Yoon. Their upcoming book, Where I Belong, highlights personal narratives and mindfulness practices about how to heal trauma and embrace the Asian American identity.

Their podcast interview will debut in late January 2024 to coincide with their live event —?in fact, they’ve asked if I’ll facilitate a live conversation in La Jolla, San Diego with them at Warwick’s, the country’s oldest family-owned-and-operated bookstore!

From now until Jan 31st, any listener of the podcast who leaves a review on iTunes will be entered to win a copy of their signed book, and a complimentary 45-minute coaching session with me.

Reserve your spot at Warwick’s if you’d like to join me as I facilitate this live event. (I’m planning to bring Wilder so that she can see her mama in action!)

?Come see us in person!?