Heart to Heart

Heart to Heart

How to have an open discussion of the heart between relationship partners?

When was it the last time you had an open talk, a discussion between you and your relationship partner(s)? When was is the last time that you defined your relationship, if ever?

Often people meet and start a relationship without actually defining what their relationship dynamics actually is. When I learned about this concept back in 1999, I had no clue how this new concept would affect me on a personal level, to be able to actually talk it out and lay the foundation of a relationship, with the understanding that this definition isn’t definite, it was an eye-opener to me. Yes, I knew about premarital agreements, but to put a label on what type of relationship I needed and wanted? That concept in itself was new to me.

As I grew up in the ’70s as a young teenager, relationship dynamics were usually simple, either a man and woman, or a woman and a woman or a man and a man. Nowadays, these simple forms of relationships aren’t the norm anymore. In today’s society people have open relationships, open marriages, polyamory is more normal these days than when I grew up. And I am happy to see that people are open and accepting other people’s views on relationships.

Having said that, without a strong sense of self, without a strong definition of the relationship dynamic(s), any relationship can falter and can waver and/or can fall apart. Without a common direction relationship partners grow apart and go their separate ways and when there are dependents involved, such as children or elderly, this can have devastating and lasting consequences. This principal of a strong sense of self, is also important in one's career and business, you cannot succeed without it.

There is one thing that I have not touched upon, and that is communication between partners.

What is communication anyways? Is that talking, is that listening, is that paying attention, is that avoiding distractions, is that accepting, is that opening up, is that being honest?

It is all the above, and we have to keep in mind that sometimes thoughts that come up, or bubbling to the surface, are very raw in nature, they are often not thought out, they are deep from our conscious mind, and perhaps from our subconscious mind. And for relationship partners to have to listen to these raw thoughts and emotions, is often hard to hear and take, as sometimes they don’t make sense, or sometimes they do more harm than good.

If you are reading this article on the “Heart to Heart”, and you have been struggling lately how to open up about your feelings to your partner(s), to share and talk about your needs and your wants; how might you go about doing this, so that it won’t hurt you and your relationship(s)?

Perhaps you have been sitting on these thoughts and feelings for a while now, maybe even months, or even years? How has this affected your overall health, your mental and physical well-being?

I know from personal experience, that it can affect a person in a negative way, to feel trapped, to feel useless within the relationship, to be taken for granted, to stop talking altogether out of fear or being judged, to avoid talking, or to fill up quiet moments with chatter. Miscommunication between relationship partner(s) can take a person down the rabbit hole of depression, and poor health overall. We know that our raw thoughts and emotions can hurt us and our partner(s), we know that holding it in, can hurt ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

What can we do then, to make it right for all involved, and stay grounded, stay connected and be understood and supported? By laying down some ground rules, some foundations, some truths that all can agree upon and to rely on.

!) We all have a right to feel what we feel, I want to clarify this concept with giving 2 examples, the second example is a statement, and the first is sharing a feeling.

               I feel ignored when you are on your cell phone when I am talking to you

               I feel that you are not listening to me

2) Keep it simple, communication and defining a relationship is not a simple process. Break it up between different aspects, such as children, or how to raise a child, and make time for in between each segment, to give time and space for thought process, asking questions and get clarification, a week in between segments would be enough time. If you feel that your relationship(s) isn’t strong enough to work through such a process, please seek professional help.

Do not let everything come out at once, give your partner(s) and yourself time and space, to digest what was shared. Before you start the next segment, always deal with leftovers, a time to ask questions, not interrogations, and accept that sometimes a question cannot be answered at that time.

3) Receive information with your rational mind, and give information from the heart.

Often people, when they hear raw thoughts or raw emotions, they tend to take it to the heart, they take it on personally, and they become offensive. Remember those emotions and thoughts from your partner(s) are not yours, so do not make them yours, as you have not been exposed to them and have not had some way to process these.

4) Negotiate to a win-win outcome, do not demand, or threaten, do not compromise (one wins - one looses), instead share one's thoughts, point of view. Working together to a common goal, and come to a solution of a problem that brings people together for a better future, do not draw a line in the sand, this will force people to back off, and to start to defend their territory and it will stop the creative process needed to bring prosperity.

Relationship, collaboration, team work, partnership, community, global economy

These principles can be used in all areas of one's life, relationships,business partnerships, and especially in politics. Let's work together, Heart to Heart, for a better future.

John Cazander LSC APOEC

Stress Management Consultant

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