Hearing vs. Listening

We’re encouraged to speak up and speak out, make sure our views are heard. But the other side of that is something that isn’t talked about nearly as much: we need to listen.

I used to never listen to people. This wasn't coming from a malicious place; I was always interested in what people had to say about things. But because I was concerned about my speech impediment, I purposefully invested my energy into thinking about what I was going to say and how I would respond while others were talking.

Stuttering is tricky in that you are constantly thinking about words and sounds. Will I be able to respond with this specific word or should I pick another one that I have a better chance of saying fluently? Will that new word make sense? If I say the first word, will I stutter just a little or will it be awkwardly long? I really allowed this vulnerability to stop me from being invested in the majority of conversations I was having, even well into my 30's when I was giving talks at companies and events. On empathy, nonetheless ????♀?

I know I'm not the only one this happens to, though. Insecurities have a way of taking over our conversations, even if the person we are talking to has absolutely no idea. But sometimes, the simple act of listening is truly one of vulnerability. Listening means we are taking a moment to not think about ourselves and our feelings, but to really attend to someone else's. And that's incredibly challenging.

If you think about it, listening can be one of the most intimidating things we as humans do. Hearing that we’ve hurt people or that we’ve let them down or that our views are offensive to them is never easy. Even harder is listening to people who are on the total opposite end of the spectrum of us politically, socially, or professionally. Think about times you’ve disagreed with people and an argument ensued: did you really listen to them and their opinions or did you impatiently wait around until they were done talking so you could hammer your point home?

Most of the time, we're just trying to get our point across. We want to evoke emotion out of the other person, or get them to see things from our point of view. Will we hear that opposing view out? Sure. But truly listening - hearing the words, breaking down their meaning, eliminating our opinions, and attempting to understand their point of view - that's not something we often do.

You can hear someone loud and clear, but you can also not listen to a single word they say. Because listening takes introspection and consideration; listening takes vulnerability.

The value of listening

Listening is rarely easy, but it’s not supposed to be. Actively and devotedly listening to someone means opening yourself up to criticism, hurt feelings, and confusion. But listening is also immensely beneficial, especially at work. Why? Because of what happens when we don’t listen.?

According to a study by The Workforce Institute, 63% of employees believe their voice has been ignored by their employer or manager. And this is even worse for non-white cis males; 47% of employees say that voices of underrepresented people in their workplace aren’t being represented.

Listening to others shouldn’t be considered a favor or a service; it’s a responsibility. We need to actively listen to others to build better products, serve our customers, and work together at the highest levels. So how can we make listening as active a part of the conversation as speaking? Here are three things you can start doing today.

Stop multitasking

In fact, let’s rebrand multitasking as tasking: putting most of your energy into one thing and slacking on the other things you think you’re doing at the same time. Studies have show that only 2.5% of people can actually multitask and give all those tasks the same energy. ?In fact, our brains aren’t wired to perform two or more tasks at once. And when we do attempt to multitask, our efficiency and productivity suffers. According to The Engagement Institute, disengaged employees cost U.S. companies up to $550 billion annually.

So as you can imagine, multitasking makes actively listening to others impossible. So stop: physically, stop. Look away from your tech tools. Silence your alerts and ignore those emails. And don’t think about anything else while you’re talking to someone; give them all your energy.

Stop thinking about your responses

As I mentioned above, I spent many years constantly thinking about what I would say during conversations. But constantly thinking about my responses really took away from the conversation for all involved. I didn’t really hear others’ ideas because I was too busy thinking about my own insecurities. And I couldn’t chime in with a sincere, valuable response because – again – I didn’t really hear others’ ideas. This vicious cycle hurts everyone, and it only stops when you do.

Studies have shown that people think about four times faster than they talk. Imagine how productive our conversations could be if we used that extra brainpower for listening to others and not thinking about ourselves.

Aim to leave the conversation with more than what you started with

Most of the time during conversations, we focus on speaking and then we focus on waiting to speak again (aka what we like to think of as “listening”). But when we do this, we aren’t absorbing information, and we aren’t truly getting anything out of this interaction. If we’re doing all the talking, we aren’t learning or growing. We aren’t getting perspective or insight that we didn’t have before. And we’re not able to effectively collaborate with others because we’re not expanding our knowledge base.

The beauty in being vulnerable enough to listen takes on a journey of discovery. We learn about others, of course, but we also expand our capacity for compassion, empathy, and open-mindedness. Listening is a major contribution to more effective and meaningful communication; and it ultimately strengthens our relationships and connections with others.

What I'm reading

How to Become a Better Listener on HBR by Robin Abrahams and Boris Groysberg . Harvard Business Review

How to build trust with your most important stakeholders – your employee on HR Dive by Anthony Abbatiello and Julia Lamm . HR Dive 普华永道

A friendly reminder

Be as passionate about listening as you are as about wanting to be heard. ~ Brené Brown

Sharon Steed is a keynote speaker, author and founder of Communilogue, an empathy consultancy. She teaches audiences the key empathy behaviors necessary to retain top talent as well as improve individual and team performance. A lifelong stutterer, Sharon uses her speech impediment to both teach what empathy is and to inspire audiences to engage in empathy actions daily.?Head to her website?to learn more about her work, and follow her on LinkedIn where she shares daily updated on making empathy actionable and vulnerability at work.