Hearing & being heard: How to communicate with a narcissist

Narcissism is a hot topic at the moment.

I hear people talking about their narcissistic husbands, wives, mothers, fathers and siblings. There's a lot of criticism of the narcissist, but how are you supposed to get your voice heard when you're communicating with a narcissistic partner?

And what does this rather over-used word actually mean?

Ecosia offers three definitions:

1. excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance.
2. selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.
3. self-centredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder

PsychCentral tells us there are five types of narcissism:

1. overt narcissism
2. covert narcissism
3. antagonistic narcissism
4. communal narcissism
5. malignant narcissism

The way I see it, these are just made-up categories. Each ‘type’ of narcissism includes a bundle of behaviours, some of which overlap with other types. Frankly it isn’t very helpful.

I’m not talking about narcissistic personality disorder here. But even that is just a diagnosis made up by psychiatrists. It corresponds to a cluster of ‘symptoms’ or behaviours, but it tells us nothing about why the person came to behave that way.

Personally I don’t like to use the N word. I prefer the term ‘grandiosity’ because it has a more straightforward meaning. Narcissism is often seen as a trait; something that won't change.

Grandiosity and self-esteem

Grandiosity is a state. Because it’s a state it can change. So someone might be grandiose at home and subservient at work. The important feature of grandiosity is that it’s a state of having too much self-esteem, feeling like you are better than everyone else. Or trying to make yourself feel better about yourself.

I can’t pretend, though, that there aren’t different types of grandiosity. But because we’re looking at it from the point of view of self-esteem, we are more concerned with how it developed during the individual’s childhood. I’ll come to that in a moment.

Using underlying self-esteem as our compass, we can divide grandiosity into

• entitled grandiosity and
• reactive grandiosity.

Where a person has entitled grandiosity, they will be arrogant, entitled, overbearing and lacking in empathy. That person will most probably over-estimate their own abilities, including emotional intelligence and they’ll assume that they are always right.

They expect their partner to simply shut up and put up, as they don’t recognise the value of equality in a relationship.

However not all grandiose individuals are the entitled type. Some of us shift in and out of grandiosity in response to low self-esteem and feelings of shame. This reactive grandiosity becomes a mask or place where we can hide from those feelings. Unlike the state of entitled grandiosity, this is more of a temporary place we visit.

Sometimes grandiosity will show up as abuse. Because our adult behaviour tends to reflect our childhood experience, a person who experienced or witnessed domestic abuse as a child may end up reproducing that abuse with their partner. It may not be the same type of abuse. For instance a boy who suffered physical abuse at the hands of his father may vow never to raise his hand to his wife and children. But instead he engages in emotional abuse which is just as destructive.

This is something I’m particularly familiar with, as I seem to have attracted men who were only to happy to put me down. It seemed to me that they were bigging themselves up by demeaning and insulting me. And I could see where that need to big themselves up came from. In all cases it had its roots in childhood.

How to cope with a grandiose partner

So how do you handle communication with a grandiose partner? Or a narcissist if you must... Understanding the self-esteem dynamics can empower you and mitigate potential conflicts.

This reminds me of something my mother used to say about the bullies at school: "It meets a need in them." That antisocial behaviour was only there because it met the child's need for something they weren't getting.

If you're in a relationship with someone who is grandiose there's probably a pattern of behaviour that plays out between you over and over again. So your first step is to realise that more of the same will not help. Doing something different just might. So for instance if you've tended to be defensive, then be open to criticism. If you've resorted to being passive-aggressive, be more direct.

And definitely look at whether you have been enabling your partner's grandiose behaviour. That might take the form of making excuses or tiptoeing around to avoid confrontation.

Communicating with a partner who comes from reactive grandiosity

Let’s start with the reactive type of grandiosity. It could be a man or a woman. This is someone whose parents told them they were worthless, that they would never amount to anything, that they were just not as clever as their brother or their sister. Or they were victims of domestic abuse of one kind or another. Even witnessing domestic violence by one of your parents against the other can be experienced as an attack on yourself.

Hardly surprising this person has low self-esteem, is it? These individuals are the ones who big themselves up by putting others down. Or they cast themselves as the victim and then retaliate, offending from the position of victim. Or they may act as martyrs, because their ‘No’ is ineffective.

But for some of us, it’s different. Growing up I knew that I was clever and I got a lot of affirmation from my parents because I was clever. But there was a cost: my self-esteem was very much achievement based, and it took a knock when I didn’t do so well. And being so dependent on my achievements, it was also very fragile. Later in life when I started my own business and it didn’t go so well, my self-esteem took a real nose-dive.

It didn’t help that my ex (who I reckon exhibited some reactive grandiosity too) told me I wasn’t much of a business woman. He also told me that I was superior and arrogant. I didn’t see it that way, but looking back I can see that I did sometimes occupy the reactive grandiosity space. No matter how badly my business fared, I could always rely on my intelligence to prove my superiority.

So there we were, two people shifting in and out of reactive grandiosity without the faintest idea of what we were doing or why. I had no idea what to do, until a therapist told me that if I didn’t challenge the demeaning comments and the insults I was colluding.

Unfortunately it was too late and maybe it wouldn’t have been enough...

What to do when your partner is in the reactive grandiosity space

Remember, reactive grandiosity shows up in adults who were abused or disparaged as children. So if your partner is shooting up into grandiosity in reaction to their low self-esteem, making them feel even more shit will most likely backfire.

And remember also: more of the same is your enemy; doing something different might make the difference that makes the difference.

I would definitely recommend curiosity and compassion here. Once you start to connect the dots you’ll understand where all those put-downs are coming from. Or it may be that they play the victim, blaming you and the rest of the world for everything that is wrong in their life.

It’s not easy to be compassionate with someone who constantly blames you instead of owning their shit. But it’s an essential starting point.

Curiosity and compassion will enable you to move out of judgement. If you can put your own anger on hold, stop your defensiveness and simply listen, you may find that your partner will soften just enough that you can reopen the connection between you.

They don’t need your sympathy, but they might respond to empathy.

1. Stay calm: Keep your tone gentle and avoid confrontation as this may trigger defensiveness in your partner.
2. Set clear boundaries: Be firm about your limits, for instance you welcome suggestions and even constructive criticism, but you don’t respond well to being put down. If you’re clear enough, your partner is more likely to respect those limits.
3. Encourage them to focus on solutions: Point them towards solutions to problems instead of arguing about who is to blame; this will help keep them out of their victim mentality.
4. Point in the direction of well-being: If your partner shows signs of remorse or discomfort about their behaviour, be open and reward them for being relational.
5. Receive what they give: Whatever small steps they take, say thank you and DO NOT remind them of what they used to do or what they're still not getting right.

What to do when your partner has entitled grandiosity

In some ways it’s different when we are dealing with entitled grandiosity. This person was told repeatedly by their parents that they were better than anyone else (possibly including their siblings or cousins). They could do no wrong and maybe were not subject to any boundaries.

The little boy who was not contained when he hit his younger brother, or worse still was encouraged to use his fists on kids in the playground, will have absorbed that sense of entitlement.

This boy grows up to be a man who exhibits that same sense of entitlement and superiority. He expects his wife and children to do what he wants, and he makes little attempt to contribute to the family apart from his salary. He may dominate conversations and focus on his own achievements.

He doesn’t like being contradicted or opposed and may lash out if he perceives that others are not being respectful of him. In the most extreme cases he expresses his anger physically.

Again I would recommend starting with curiosity and compassion. No matter how grandiose your partner may be, their behaviour has its roots in childhood experiences. No one chooses to be born into a family which creates that sense of entitlement. And a child is unlikely to recognise the unfairness from which they benefit.

In adulthood that grandiosity will get in the way of deeply connected relationships, simply because their behaviour is so alienating. So it’s in their own interest to change their behaviour. Kindness, compassion and relational behaviour bring their own rewards. It just isn’t always obvious!

You’ve probably guessed by now – this is the hardest nut to crack.

The grandiose part of your partner is their Adaptive Child – the part that formed in response to their family circumstances. This particular Adaptive Child can’t see any mileage in becoming relational. And in fact they don’t even know that being relational is a thing.

Because this ‘poor perpetrator’ is up to their neck in individualism. They’ve bought the whole story of ‘me versus the rest of the world’ and it seems to be working for them. They certainly don’t think they’re missing out on anything.

So in order to get them to shift into relational mode you really do need some leverage. For instance:

• It might be that if they don’t make an effort to change, you’ll divorce them and take the kids with you.
• It might be that they’ve started to notice that their children are unhappy and they don’t want that any more.
• Or maybe someone outside the family has said something…

Terry Real tells us that the hardest part is getting the grandiose partner to the negotiating table, but once you’ve got them there anything can be negotiated.

Once you’ve let go of judgement and started to exercise your compassion and curiosity you may notice for yourself what would be the best leverage to get your partner to the negotiating table. If you feel strong enough to do this and do the negotiating yourself, you’ll find the following stand you in good stead:

• compassion
• curiosity
• deep listening
• letting go of the need to be right and to be in control
• knowing your limits – what you’re not willing to put up with
• being direct rather than passive-aggressive

And with all that the five tips I outlined above for people who show reactive grandiosity may be just as helpfu when you're coping with someone who exhibits entitled grandiosity.

If you think this may all be too much for you, get in touch. You can email me or you can simply book a complimentary 1-2-1 call .