Heard, valued and respected, or liked? You choose.

A conversation with a friend earlier (thank you, Ghilaine Chan ) got me thinking about one of the biggest challenges many of the HSEs —?high-sensory executives — I work with face.

They don't feel heard, valued, or respected by their managers or colleagues. This holds true even (especially?) in the C-suite.

On the other hand, they're often universally loved by their teams and direct reports.

So what's going on?

These are bright, talented, high-achievers who've earned their place through hard work, dedication and skill. They know their stuff and have put in the time (sometimes, far better and far more than their peers). They're invested (sometimes, far more than the company is in them). They're loyal (ditto).

Their direct reports see this. They also see a boss with deep empathy who cares for everyone on the team. Who cares for their well-being and success, not only professionally but personally as well.

Who often (always?) puts the needs of the team and of individual team members before their own.

What's not to like?

I've seen some of these leaders, HSEs all, say yes to everything asked of them and even volunteer to take on additional tasks or projects that had no owners. On top of already-overflowing plates and managing often under-resourced teams.

A few years ago, I asked one why. His response:

• He cared deeply about the people on his team and was happy to take on more responsibility so they would be better supported.
• He hoped that ultimately his hard work and conscientiousness would be recognized and lead to a promotion.

His team adores him. But they're concerned about his stress levels.

His leaders? I haven't asked them directly, but an educated guess would be that none of the things that go into keeping the team happy are on their priority list. (I did ask one SVP his priorities early on. His only response: "Ship product.")

Sound familiar at all?

HSE superpowers

Business leaders need to ensure that their teams meet business objectives. That's what C-suite executives care about. Some?still care about employee retention (it's more expensive to hire and train new employees than to keep existing ones). But they answer to shareholders and boards who generally just want to see the numbers go up (and to avoid ethics violations and other bad publicity).

Here's the thing. High-sensory executives typically come with a solid set of superpowers, including but not limited to:

• Integrity & honesty
• Conscientiousness & reliability
• Strategic thinking & dot-connecting / ability to see both the big picture and the details
• Deep empathy that helps build rapport and inspire people
• High standards of quality
• Strong intuition (a great partner to data)
• Orientation toward organizational, rather than individual, success
• Grit & resilience

Sounds like a terrific leader! So where's the disconnect?

In my experience, two skills that HSEs often struggle with are confidence and assertiveness. And while this may be changing (one LinkedIn article listed humility at the top of five desired leadership traits, but that feels aspirational), confidence and assertiveness are still highly valued by traditional leaders and boards.

Many (most?) high-sensory folks — even executives — struggle to speak up for themselves. We're simply not wired that way, and this can be a major disadvantage in a culture that prizes competition and self-promotion. (And while high sensitivity is gender-agnostic, there are countless examples of women speaking up and then being cut off or ignored, only to watch a male colleague say exactly the same thing and be lauded. Unsurprisingly, this doesn't encourage female-identifying HSEs to be more confident or assertive.)

On top of all that, someone who always says yes, has trouble prioritizing and/or focusing given all their responsibilities, works all hours and puts their life on the back burner, and/or just seems stressed or unhappy, is unlikely to come across as confident or assertive.

What do you want to be known for?

Do you want to be heard, valued, and respected — known for having the courage of your convictions??Or do you want to be liked — or known as the go-to person for every task or project with no owner?

There's nothing wrong with the latter. We all want to be liked. We all want to feel that we're indispensable. But if you truly want to lead, these aren't enough. They might even be at odds with other qualities you need.

Executives have to make hard decisions. They occasionally have to adopt strategies they don't agree with. They sometimes have to communicate bad news. They have to do a lot of things that employees and colleagues (and even the execs themselves) may not like.

Are HSEs capable of all these things? More than! But there are some pre-requisites:

• Learning to say no — and meaning it
• Setting, communicating, and enforcing clear boundaries — around time, priorities, and preferences
• Learning to better manage energy and emotions
• Giving & receiving difficult feedback
• Moving past the fear. One of my favorite sayings: "Courage is fear walking."

A note on the last point: The fear can be anything. Fear of what might happen when you say no. Fear of losing your job. Fear of not being liked. Fear of being wrong or failing. Fear of not doing something well enough.

These are all real and all scary. But because HSEs are always picking up so much information from so many different sources (the scientific name for the trait is sensory processing sensitivity), we have a particular talent for overthinking these things. We're good at making them much bigger than they have any business being. Yes, losing a job can be terrible (unless, of course, it's a job you don't like that's causing you enormous stress and keeping you from your family and personal life). But how likely is it that saying no with good reason (and tactfully, of course) will get you fired?

It might just get you more respect.

And an empathetic leader who models good boundaries, prioritizes wellness, and has great communication skills (both listening and speaking truth) might even be heard, valued, respected — and loved.

Comments? Questions? I'd love your thoughts.

Know anyone who might be interested in this newsletter? Please share!

Join the next G.R.I.T. Collaborative cohort!

?? If you're a high-sensory woman executive who struggles with saying no, maintaining boundaries, advocating for yourself, handling overwhelm, or anything else —?what are you doing about it? What is it costing you?

?? My next G.R.I.T. Collaborative cohort launches soon. (G.R.I.T. is an acronym for Grace, Resilience, Intuition, and Trust, the pillars of the GRIT system that forms the core of the program.) It's a small-group mastermind of high-sensory women leaders sharing their own questions, challenges and experiences, growing and learning in a safe, supportive virtual space. If you've ever felt alone or weird or just different because of your sensitivity, I created G.R.I.T. for you.

?? Learn more at https://www.rercoaching.com/grit-public and schedule a call with me ASAP to see if it's a fit.

I'd love to see you there.