Heard, Helped, or Hugged

Have you ever struggled with giving feedback? If so, you know that tone, timing, and content are crucial. Missing any one of these elements can derail the conversation and lead to further issues.

In his insightful book,?Super-communicators, Charles Duhigg simplifies how to improve your communication skills. One of the most intriguing and useful concepts he discusses is the power of giving feedback that sticks. Let me be clear: if you are a poor listener, you will never excel at giving feedback.? Listening is a prerequisite to give valuable feedback.? Unsolicited advice seldom has a positive effect.

Learning the art of offering the gifts of being heard, helped, or hugged can make all the difference. Let me explain.

?Consider conversations with a spouse, partner, or friend. Often, these interactions are not genuine conversations but rather venting sessions. That’s perfectly fine—everyone needs to vent or express frustrations with people they care about. However, if these exchanges become the default mode of your relationship, they could become exhausting.? Thus, making them valuable exchanges is vital.

?For example, my wife sometimes comes home and wants to talk about her day at work. My instinct is to leap into action with solutions. In the past, I was so quick with advice I could’ve won a gold medal in the “Instant Problem-Solving Olympics”—though not a medal you’d want to hang on your wall! Over the years, I’ve learned to keep my problem-solving enthusiasm in check. I confess, I still occasionally vie for the bronze medal in offering dubious advice, but hey, progress is progress.? The key to these conversations is focusing on what the speaker needs. It’s not about your superpower of solving problems. First, figure out what they need. Only then can you offer something of value.

This is where the concepts of “heard, helped, or hugged” come into play.

Sometimes, the person just needs to be heard. They might want to talk and have someone listen—no advice, no solutions, just ears. The gift of truly listening is a rare commodity in our fast-paced world.

?At other times, the person might want your advice. They value your relationship and seek your perspective. After they’ve explained their situation, they may want you to offer feedback. Resist the urge to jump in immediately. In theory, they will eventually ask, “What do you think?” At that point, reflect on what they’ve said and provide thoughtful input. If you’re extremely skilled in this area, you’ll ask additional probing questions before offering your thoughts. Mastering this makes you an elite “Super-communicator.”?Empathetic people, like you, naturally want to help their loved ones and address their concerns. The key is to proceed slowly; rushing this process can dilute the quality of your advice. Even if your advice remains the same, allowing the process to proceed slower may be crucial.

According to Duhigg, the final option is to give a hug—whether physical or emotional. Sometimes, they don’t need advice; they just need a reassuring hug. The person just needs to be listened to. It doesn’t have to be a bear hug; even a warm, emotional hug can work wonders. Just being present and listening can be a comforting embrace.

?Mastering these concepts takes practice. The better you know someone, the more attuned you’ll be to what they need in a conversation. Be present, read body language like a book, and remember that sometimes silence is golden. Asking, “Do you want some advice or just a sympathetic ear?” can be your secret weapon. Knowing when to ask this question is a skill that improves with practice—so get out there and practice!

Do you need to be heard? Do you need to be helped? Do you need a hug?

?Understanding what people need can turn you into a Super-communicator and more importantly strengthen the relationships with those closest to you!

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