Healthy Ways Couples Communicate

Healthy Ways Couples Communicate

Donna Loza, LCPC, CADC, CODP I

When working with couples, the number one need tends to be the desire to communicate healthier.?How do we express ourselves in a way that clearly states our need or opinion without the other one feeling unheard or unappreciated??When we engage, there are some fundamental ways in which we communicate without realizing it, such as our body language, our tone of voice, and even the words we choose.?It is in our eye contact or lack of eye contact that can definitely express how interested we are in the other person.?Are we facing them or are we texting them?

?When we interact with our loved one’s face to face, we can get a clearer picture as to how the other person is responding to what we are talking about.?We can identify if we need to pull back on what we are saying or rephrase something for better clarity. ??If there is texting involved, it is easy to get lines crossed, miss those social cues and often, our words get misconstrued and sometimes we might find ourselves in a texting war.?When this happens, I encourage people to pick up the phone to talk, use Facetime or find a moment to sit down and meet face to face.

While out in the community, I will observe couples trying to enjoy the day.?For many, I’ve observed they are either on their phones or sometimes not even looking at one another.?I have to admit, I have often thought about going up to them and encouraging them to put their phones down, look at one another and start inquiring about the person that is sitting across the table or whom they are walking with. ?In the book, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, wherein John and Julie Gottman they share the importance of always talking to one another and through their research speak to the idea that when a couple stop talking, stop engaging, it can be a sign that they need some help. ?“Make dedicated, nonnegotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner,” pg. 4.

When it is time to talk, a few questions to ask yourself, what is the intention behind what I am saying??Am I trying to inform my loved one of an experience, or situation, while not needing feedback.?Am I speaking in hopes of receiving some feedback??Or am I asking for a change in their behavior??If so, ask yourself before speaking, “Is what I am saying and how I am saying it a way that I would want it said back to me?”

If you are trying to share some information with your loved one, you might try, “I wanted to share this with you in hopes that you have it in case you need it later.”?Or “I wanted to share something exciting that happened to me today, do you have a few minutes?”?Be present in that situation, look at them, possibly ask them more questions about what they are saying to you.?

If you are trying to share something in hopes of receiving some feedback, one might try, “I am searching or needing some feedback and wondering if you had any for this particular issue or situation?”?Or “I think I went over budget on this house project, could we sit down and discuss how to handle it?”?Be open to discussion, do your best to not judge or be critical of how they handled it.?Most importantly, remember, they came to you for assistance.

If you are asking for a change in behavior, one might try, “In the morning, the kids need to be up at 6:30 am; I will need your help?”?Or “I need you to help me by putting the clothes in the hamper, it will make doing laundry easier.”?Once you get your loved one’s cooperation, be sure to follow up with a “thank you,” or “I appreciate you.”?

It is far easier to focus on our own needs and try to convey our side that we often lose touch to the fact that there is another person involved here.?Remember, be present to our loved one when they reach out, offer suggestions or insight when invited and always be curious as to how the other is doing. ??