Health and Safety: Election Edition

Ladies and gentlemen, as we approach the upcoming UK General Election on July 4th, I thought its a good time to focus on an often-overlooked aspect of the democratic process: health and safety. Don’t worry, I'm not here to bore you with the usual doom and gloom. Instead, let’s dive into the lighter side of voting—because let’s face it, politics can always use a bit more humour.

A Call to Action

A famous guy once said, “Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the rest.” With the rise of authoritarianism now prolific, the threat of the next great war in Europe, and an election battle in the US that looks more like a remake of the 1993 film Grumpy Old Men (if it wasn’t so critical to the direction of the world in the years ahead, the sight of these two octogenarians going toe-to-toe in a battle royale would be laughable), to the gentlemanly sparring of Starmer and Sunak, both good men Iam sure but so soporific Old Sleepy Joe would be out like a light at the mere mention of their names, it's clear that our votes matter more than ever.

To be clear, I have no preference whom you vote for—left, right, shake it all about, whatever floats your boat (though I hope beyond all hope no one votes for far-anything!). What I believe matters is that we all get to vote following our hearts, our heads, our ouija boards—whatever method you choose to make your democratic voice heard.

Just this week, I spoke with a candidate out canvassing and asked about their policy on Alcohol Duty (Oh how I wish I was 18 again, ￡1.40 a pint!) but i digress heres the policy....

“If you mean the demon drink that poisons the body, ruins the mind, destroys the family, and creates criminals, then I’m against it! But if you mean the beautiful drink used for a wedding toast, the foundation of a fun Friday night, and the biggest source of tax revenue, then I’m for it! And I won’t change my mind, no matter what you say.”

So on that crystal clear policy note… I thought I best examine the parties' manifestos to help you and I risk-assess our choice for the next MPs.

Conservatives (Current)

• Hazard: Promises so high they might need a ladder
• Risk Level: High
• Control Measure: Manage expectations. Remember, the umbrella and things can only get better!

Labour (Main Opposition)

• Hazard: Infighting that makes a soap opera look tame
• Risk Level: High
• Control Measure: Embrace the new. Try not to slide to the left, slide to the right, criss-cross. Instead, cha-cha real smooth.

Lib Dems

• Hazard: Campaigns that sometimes feel like a tree falling in an empty forest
• Risk Level: Moderate
• Control Measure: Well...You know you make me wanna (shout) Kick my heels up and (shout) Throw my hands up and (shout)!

SNP

• Hazard: Scandals popping up like whack-a-mole
• Risk Level: Variable
• Control Measure: Remember they have just one chance to come back here and tell their enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!

Greens

• Hazard: Budgets smaller than your average recycling bin
• Risk Level: Low to Moderate
• Control Measure: Who needs a manifesto when you’ve got Captain Planet! "Earth!" "Fire!" "Wind!" "Water!" "Heart!" "Go planet!" "By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!"

Plaid Cymru

• Hazard: Gormod o gaeau dim digon o simneiau.
• Risk Level: High
• Control Measure: Yma o hyd. Yma o hyd, Hen wlad fy nhadau, we are here!

For the Love of Comedy!

And if you’re not thrilled with the main parties, don’t worry—there’s something for everyone. Fancy a galactic space warrior as your MP? Vote for Count Binface! This independent space warrior from the planet Sigma IX, with his stylish dustbin helmet, promises to bring a touch of intergalactic flair to the House of Commons. Or how about the Official Monster Raving Loony Party? Their policies might be out of this world, but at least you know they’ll keep things interesting.

If you’re tired of the usual suspects, here are some more comedic candidates for your consideration:

• The Blah! Party: Perfect for those who can’t decide on anything.
• The Church of the Militant Elvis Party: Because who doesn’t love a bit of rock ‘n’ roll in politics?
• The Fancy Dress Party: A great choice if you believe politics should always be in costume.

But wait! That’s a waste of a vote they’ll never win! Fear not! Supporting a candidate who might not necessarily win might just show the winning candidate what issues they should be focusing on if they want to win your vote next time around. Or better yet, there’s a surprise upset and Count Binface actually wins!

Not all his manifesto is out of this world—I, for one, am wholeheartedly behind number 17: "All shops that play Christmas music before December to be closed down and turned into public libraries!"

The Serious Bit

Voter ID: A Solution in Search of a Problem?

A common theme in the world of Health and Safety is focusing on the non-issue while deflecting attention from the sword of Damocles that hangs ominously above our head. A new law was introduced in the UK not so long ago, it sets out measures to combat voter impersonation, a problem so rare it makes Bigfoot sightings look like common occurrences. In 2019, out of the tens of millions of votes cast, there were only 33 allegations of impersonation. That’s right, 33.

Risk Assessment:

• Hazard: Voter disenfranchisement due to lack of proper ID.
• Risk Level: High, especially among marginalized communities.
• Control Measure: Ensure everyone has the required ID. No ID? (Like Boris! Oh the irony!) No problem! Get a free one from gov.uk (link opens in new window).

The Importance of Voting

Why am I banging on about voting, voter ID, why even write this article? (other than marketing said I had to do my homework) well on a serious note, I am not trying to influence your vote!. Vote for whom you like. I love democracy and I look at it like this: what’s the critical risk, the major catastrophe in an election? ....

It's not voter ID, it's Apathy!

It’s literally life and death stuff—why else would some people work so hard to ensure you can’t cast it? Many campaigners within movements, such as the women’s suffrage movement or those who took part in Peterloo, even gave their lives for our rights to vote .

There’s real power in our votes. Whether you're frustrated by the politicisation of science, disheartened by bigotry, or simply tired of political promises, your vote is your voice. So not voting apathy that's the real threat to democracy!

If we want politicians to stop ignoring us, we have to stop ignoring politics. It’s as simple as that. Voting is not just a right; it's a civic duty, whoever your preference may be.

I'll stop nagging now!

Just to finish with, it doesn’t matter who you vote for, just vote. Whether you're casting your ballot for the incumbent, the opposition, or even Count Binface (because who doesn’t love an independent space warrior?), make sure your voice is heard. After all, in a democracy, every vote counts.

This, July 4th, put on your safest shoes, grab your ID, and march to the polling station. Let’s make this election not just a victory for democracy, but a triumph of health and safety as well.

Happy voting, and may the best (or most entertaining) candidate win!

P.S. We are at our best when we can debate. Plurality of thought is one of the greatest assets of humanity. So please remember this article is written with a love of democracy, a good dose of humour, and an understanding that politics can be emotive, humorous, contentious but it's never an excuse for not being respectful of each other in any comments.