The Healing Nature of Forgiveness: A Mother’s Mercy for Her Son’s Killer

The following is adapted from The Empowerment Paradox.

In 2007, an eighteen-year-old Iranian boy named Abdollah Hosseinzadeh was stabbed and killed in a street brawl by an acquaintance who had played football with him.

Tragically for Abdollah’s mother, Samereh Alinejad, this was her second son lost, with her youngest dying in a motorbike accident at the age of eleven. In her grief, she was justifiably furious at the injustice of another great loss.

In Iranian custom, culture, and law, Abdollah’s father, Abdolghani, had the power to overturn the death penalty if he so chose. It would not relinquish prison time, but simply give Abdolghani the option to determine the finality of the retribution. In an expression of love and devotion to his wife, Abdolghani relinquished this responsibility entirely to Samereh, who saw no pathway toward forgiveness. She was determined that her son’s killer would hang.

We Will All Have Opportunities to Forgive

Many of us will never have to face the grief of a lost child, but none of us make it through this life unscathed. We all will face injustices, some greater than others, and we will be wronged and wounded. These wounds can be difficult to heal. Filled with regret, anger, and a desire for vengeance, we hold on to our hurts. Our wounds fester and grow infected.

But if we are to transform into our greatest potential, we cannot hold on to the past. Whether it is mistakes we have made or hurt that others have caused, or even a sense of bitterness around opportunities or good fortune lost, we must let go of what holds us to the past, or our reach into the future will have limits. 

The only way to heal our wounds and let go of the past is to forgive. Forgiveness is the path to an unfettered and totally liberated future.

Forgiveness is no easy task, but as Samereh discovered, it is possible, even when faced with seemingly unforgivable offenses. May Samereh’s mercy inspire you to begin your own path toward forgiveness and personal healing.

The Mercy of Samereh Alinejad

For seven years, Balal, Abdollah’s accused and convicted killer, remained in prison, awaiting the date of his execution. For those seven years, the grief of a lost child plagued Abdollah’s parents. Samereh remained certain that Balal would hang.

Leading up to the date of the execution, however, she began to experience vivid dreams in which her son came to her, asking her not to take revenge. “Two nights before that day,” she said, “I saw him in the dream once again, but this time he refused to speak to me.”

The night before the execution, she couldn’t sleep. She told her husband that she couldn’t imagine forgiving the man for what he’d done, to which he replied, “Let’s just look to God and see what happens.”

In the early hours of the morning, a crowd gathered to witness the execution. The process included a recitation from the Quran, while the blindfolded young man stood on a chair with a rope around his neck and his hands tied behind his back. In the final moments, Balal cried out to Samereh for forgiveness, if not for him, then for the sake of his parents.

Surprising everyone, likely herself as well, Samereh walked up to the boy, and rather than exercising her right to push the chair away herself, slapped him hard across the face.

“After that,” she recalled, “I felt as if rage had vanished within my heart. I felt as if the blood in my veins began to flow again. I burst into tears and called my husband up to remove the noose.”

That moment of mercy, from a mother to the criminal who murdered her son, spread around the world. She became a hero, recognized in Istanbul as mother of the year, interviewed by many, and spoken of worldwide as a figure of inspiration.

Forgiveness Heals in Two Directions

When asked about forgiveness, Samereh said, “All these years, I felt like I was a moving, dead body. But now I feel very calm. I feel that I’m at peace and that vengeance has left my heart.”

Forgiveness is a healing act, and it heals in two directions. Yes, it can provide peace to the forgiven party, but more importantly, it releases the injured party from hurt and anger. It cleans the wound of infection, allowing it to finally heal. As Lewis B. Smedes said: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” 

There is scientific evidence attesting to the healing nature of forgiving for the injured party. Hope College’s Charlotte vanOyen-Witvliet and her co-investigators conducted a study in which, of seventy Hope College undergrads, half were to rehearse forgiving someone who hurt or mistreated them, and the other half were to retain unforgiveness. For the exercise, forgiveness included empathizing with the offender and letting go of negative emotions to be replaced with conciliatory ones. Unforgiveness meant rehearsing the hurt and holding a grudge.

The study found forgiveness to yield both emotional and physical benefits, including reduced stress, less negative emotion, fewer cardiovascular problems, and improved immune system performance. 

It’s important to note that forgiveness does not require a full embrace, pretending no wrongs have been done. After all, the pardoned Balal was free of the condemnation of death, but not free to return to society. Justice, well-seasoned with mercy, created a future for him and his family without the finality of death, but more importantly, it created freedom for Alinejad in a way that resentfulness could not.

An act of true forgiveness is a way to empower yourself to move on. Forgiveness is a gift given freely, absolutely, and completely, meant to liberate the giver and create the option for liberation in the receiver. Whatever they choose to do with it, we can still remain free.

Forgiveness Is a Process

C.S. Lewis once said, “The real trouble about the duty of forgiveness is that you do it with all of your might on Monday, then find out on Wednesday that it hasn’t stayed put and must be done all over again.” Forgiveness is a process, not an event, and often one that must be repeated over and over again. Rarely can we make the decision to forgive and find that our hurts have been completely let go.

But if you don’t attempt to at least start on the path to forgiveness, your hurts will hang like millstones around your neck, threatening to drown you in your own bitterness and regret

To start the process of forgiveness, first acknowledge that letting go is a choice. Then, examine the degree to which injustice or hurt has affected your emotions. (“How am I feeling right now as a consequence of this situation?”)

Next, consider the alternative to an intentional release. (“If I don’t let go of my emotions, what is going to happen? Where will they go on their own?”) Assess the impact of those emotions, especially anger, hatred, and resentment.

Then, name the opposing emotions, such as peace, love, and acceptance, and determine ways you can nurture the positive emotions.

With repetition of this process—and time—you can clean all your wounds and truly begin to heal.

For more advice on forgiveness, you can find The Empowerment Paradox on Amazon.

Ben Woodward’s repeated personal experience with family trauma, chronic illness, and corporate crisis have taught and tutored him with intimate insight. The gained wisdom from such lessons have seen him thrive as a senior executive in multibillion-dollar companies, becoming the global president of a multinational corporation. He has served on the board of directors for trade associations, traveled to thirty countries as a keynote speaker, business leader, and entrepreneur, and most importantly, enjoys a wonderful home life with his wife Kim and seven beautiful children. To reach Ben, visit EmpowermentParadox.com.