Healing my voice

I have wanted to do family constellations from the first moment I heard about it. Still, family constellations didn't want me to. Whenever I tried to secure my spot, something stopped me, the facilitator didn't reply, the date clashed with my diary, and I didn’t have the funds. So when I got to Colombia and heard that family constellations were all the rage here, I thought, perfect, what better place to do it than on the land my family are from. So one afternoon, browsing the internet aimlessly, I googled Family Constellations in Bogota. I looked at one website, and nothing jumped out. Another one, and then bam, I saw the face of a little old Colombian lady next to the description: 20 years of transpersonal psychology. So I booked on, and a few days later, I was sat in a room with twenty strangers about to divulge family traumas for five hours straight.?

I should start by explaining family constellations to those who have not encountered them. Developed by German psychotherapist Bert Hellinger in the mid-1990s, Family Constellations is an alternative therapy that looks at bringing to the surface hidden family dynamics to heal. How it works is that a group of people come together, one person will be picked to constellate, and they will share their problem in just 2-3 minutes. Once the problem is shared, the facilitator will ask you to pick someone in the group to represent a family member. You will know who they represent later. Next, you'll start placing these characters in an open space where you feel you want them. Once all are placed, the facilitator starts to come around to each person representing your family member and ask how they're feeling and if they want to move somewhere else in the space, causing a chain reaction.

Now back to the cute little Colombian lady that was facilitating the constellation. She began saying we might be picked to participate in someone else's constellation who has the exact same problem we do. Then she talked about how she would pick the people that would constellate; sure enough, everyone who shows up wants their family wounds healed and blocks removed. Still, not everyone can, as three constellations take up the whole workshop. She guided us through a meditation and then asked us to ask our hearts if we felt called and ready to constellate. In the first round and I kept my hand down. In the second round, I raised my hand. When I opened my eyes, she pointed straight in my direction but between me and someone else. We looked at each other and, both confused, asked her who she'd picked, and she gestured to the girl on my right.

The young woman walked to the front of the room and began sharing her problem. She explained that she regularly lost her voice due to getting lumps on her vocal cords and, when asked what she did for a living, began crying and said, "I'm an actress and singer", to which the facilitator replied?"so you used your voice for work". She was then asked if she'd ever been pregnant, and there was a mutter of a yes. When asked what happened, she replied,?"I had an abortion". At that point, I felt my body tense up. There I was, someone who also uses their voice for work who had also lost their voice numerous times throughout 2021 and was entering almost a year of writer's block and had a baby loss. So when she was asked to pick someone, I just knew. She bee-lined straight for me and asked if I'd participate in her constellation.?

In a family constellation you are embodying the energy of the person you're representing and the family soul. It didn't take me long to realise I was representing the young woman. I quickly realised I wasn't just representing her; I was representing me, and with that thought my heart started racing. She placed me in the open space and various other people representing her family, and the constellation began. My hand instinctively grabbed my stomach, and my head dropped as my gaze hit the floor. I began crying, and the facilitator came over and asked me how I felt. I had an overwhelming sense of grief come over me. I felt alone and cold. My legs started shaking, and my shoulders rolled forward. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I could see the facilitator ask someone to my right that was on their knees, crying,?"what did you lose?"?and the person replied,?"my baby".

At that point, I was full-blown snotty crying. I saw a small folded blanket get placed in front of the person to my right whom I had deduced was representing an ancestor in this young woman's family who had also had a baby loss. As the facilitator approached to place another small folded blanket at my feet, I could feel my whole body freeze in a panic. She looked at me and asked,?"do you want to pick it up?"?to which I replied without hesitation,?"no, I'm too afraid" "ok", she said. As the ritual and healing had to occur with other family members first, someone representing a guardian angel was added to stand behind me. Next, another angel appeared with a candle before the person representing the ancestor to my right. They were then asked if they were ready to release the baby into the light, and at this point, I absolutely lost it.

This had been something I had been struggling to do since my miscarriage, letting go. I’d been told by numerous people to write a letter, do a ritual, but I couldn't find the strength. Just the thought brought me to tears. All of a sudden, I was in a situation where it was time because before I knew it, the facilitator was at my side saying, "it's your turn now. Are you ready?". I didn’t know if she was talking to me or to me representing the young woman. I picked up the folded blanket and handed it to the person representing the angel the same way the ancestor had. I was then invited to stand in front of the ancestor and repeat words that, to be honest, I can't quite remember as things got very overwhelming. Still, I remember vaguely it was about handing her the shame, grief and void feeling I was left with in my belly.

I was then invited to perform a ritual where I would wipe away the lumps in this young woman’s throat by stroking my neck and handing it over to the ancestor. I was asked to do however many times I needed to until I felt I had nothing left to remove from her throat. I performed this about three to four times in total. When I was ready, the little Colombian lady invited me to hug the ancestor and then moved me towards??the people representing this young woman's parents. We hugged. When I was ready, I was instructed to go on my way and walked away from them into a symbolic new chapter. The whole time this ritual was performed and affirmations were repeated, I could see the young woman's tears streaming down her eyes as she watched people representing her family healing their collective wounds. It was both beautiful and painful.

After the constellation, I went outside to catch my breath. As I sat there I locked eyes with the young woman and we smiled knowingly. We went over to each other and hugged. The facilitator came up to me to check in. I explained that?“I am a writer that had lost my voice and that I, too, had lost a baby. I was trying hard not to let my emotions and experience impact someone else's constellation, but it all felt familiar.”?She replied,?"just because it wasn't your constellation doesn't mean you can't benefit from the same healing. Take it all in, remember it all, feel it all, and it will work just as well for you."?That night I went home teary eyed and with a headache. I fell asleep and the next morning when I sat at my computer, words began pouring out of me. That’s when seven months of writers blocked disappeared and I started writing to you all again.

Ps: For those interested in understanding family constellations, because it’s so difficult to describe if you haven’t experienced it, the Turkish Netflix series?Another Self?is brilliant and an accurate portrayal of the experience.

PPs: I've shared a poem I wrote about my family constellation experience on my Instagram which you can find here @Imauthenticalex .

With love and magic,

#AuthenticAlex

Please note that I've explained it purely based on my personal experience. There are slight variations in how family constellations are facilitated and cultural nuances that play a role.?There are also sensitive subjects pertaining to other peoples stories, so please be respectful of peoples life choices.

Upcoming news and events…

If you’re curious to connect with your ancestry and explore creative writing, then?you can?find out more here about my Reclaiming your Ancestry course which starts next week. Beginners and experienced writers are all welcomed.

I recently launched the Café of Endings and New Beginnings with my wonderful friend Tracey McEachran. The Cafe is a virtual place created to explore all our griefs within community. There is power in the group, because everyone is holding up a mirror to allow us to see ourselves more fully by exploring what we cannot see on our own. Our next Café is this upcoming Monday 10th April and is by donation, you can?sign up here .

Lastly, I stopped coaching this time last year as I needed the space to get clear if it was something I wanted to continue to do and if so how my approach needed to evolve. I realised what needed changing was incorporating a more holistic approach that includes both the practical and the spiritual. I specialise in guiding people to cross the threshold. If you’re curious to know more, please?reach out .