Healing the heart

When I was fifteen, verging on sixteen, I fell in love for the first time. It was everything a first love is, fast, deep, passionate, tumultuous, a rollercoaster of emotions. It was the stuff of fairy tales with trips to Paris and Venice and the stuff of nightmares, with raging arguments. We were naively convinced that we were getting married, having a family, and destined forever. Then, after two years, everything came to a crashing and heart-breaking end. At that moment, I vowed that I would never love a man again, a promise I kept for eight whole years. That's until I went to therapy again, on a mission to heal so that I could find a way to open my heart again. This has been a common theme for me when looking to meet someone, understand what went wrong, and make sure I had healed what needed healing.

When I went to therapy a third time to grieve and process after having had a miscarriage, what started with that intention, with time, slowly shifted into discussing my relationship. In therapy and my interest in self-development, I started to understand myself more in the context of romantic relationships, and I learned… well, a lot, and not all of it was pretty. They say that "you can't love another until you love yourself," but what I was finding was it was less about loving myself and more about understanding myself because when I did, I could love myself and others more. Over time I've begun to understand why I attract the people I do, why I enter unhealthy partnerships and why I behave the way I do in relationships. Here are a few of my learnings and thoughts about myself, people, and relationships.

The first prominent theme that came up the first time I went to therapy was Narcissism. It is defined "as a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others." – Mayo Clinic. This was a huge revelation, and I started to notice a pattern. Someone with narcissistic tendencies raised me, I was being managed by someone with narcissistic tendencies, and my first love was with someone with narcissistic tendencies. I had spent pretty much most of my life being the victim of narcissistic abuse, manipulated, controlled and my sense of reality warped. Over time my self-esteem diminished more and more, something that took years to rebuild. I still attract many narcissists into my life, both platonically and romantically, but now I'm better at spotting them and knowing when it's happening to me.

The next eye-opener and a topic I delved into deeply about two years ago were Codependency. I went a little crazy studying this through books and articles. Co-dependency is often associated with drug or alcohol dependency. "A learned behavior passed down from one generation. It is also known as "relationship addiction" because people with co-dependency often form or maintain one-sided, emotionally destructive, and abusive relationships." – Mental Health America. Again, this came from my childhood and adulthood, manifested in my need to take responsibility for other people's emotional stability and not having the space to have my own identity. I remember learning about this and the intense feeling of guilt and shame that arose from putting my needs first or showing up as myself and then being chastised for doing so. It came out in all its full glory when I got into a relationship with someone equally co-dependent.?

Co-dependency then led me down the rabbit hole of Attachment Theory, or the other way around, I don't quite remember, but they go hand in hand in a way. I even went to a three-hour lecture on this and read a fab book I'd recommend. Again, went back to childhood as "attachment is the bond we form with our first primary caregiver, usually a parent. It's a universal human phenomenon that starts as early as in the womb, and the way we develop it eventually affects the way we find, keep, and end relationships. There are four major styles of attachment that people form early in life and generally tend to keep into adulthood. These styles are Secure, Dismissive-avoidant, Anxious-preoccupied, Fearful-avoidant" – Scientific American.

I learned that I had a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, I was raised by an emotionally absent parent and estranged father, so I learned to be incredibly independent at a young age. It meant I needed a lot of space and freedom in relationships. I was in relationships and dated people equally avoidant (also known as commitment-phobes or unavailable men). It was easy that way, but it also meant that there was no actual or deep connection; everything always remained at a safe arms-length, despite wanting the opposite. I was also in a relationship with someone that had an anxious-preoccupied, someone that needed constant reassurance and proximity, a recipe for disaster for my avoidant attachment style.

One of the hardest things I learned in therapy about relationships was how most of the love I received was Conditional Love. Again, something that started in my childhood and then was replicated in my romantic relationships. We often hear a lot about unconditional love but less about the other side of the coin, conditional love, love given with an expectation of getting something back in return. Over time a feeling of being unworthy of love starts to set in. That without _____?(insert accolade, title, status…etc.), I don't deserve to be loved just as I am. It doesn't help that when most people I date come to know the success I have, there are always comments like "maybe you can feature me in your content" or "is there a way to work together," often with interest to access my clients or influence.?

Over the last year, I've thought a lot about what kind of relationship and partner I next want, reframing some of my traditional and societal beliefs. One of those being the inherent need for stability and security and yet the search for adventure and novelty; I highly recommend watching Esther Perel talk if that resonates. I've come to believe that people come and go into your life, and some are meant to be there for a while, others are passing ships, and some may even stay forever, but they all help us grow, learn and change, whether good or bad. I've come to forgive those that hurt me and understand that their behaviours are a reflection of their own traumas and wounds. For me, being 'in relation' with someone is an opportunity to see ourselves through a different lens and seeing what parts of myself I still need to work through. But if there's anything I've learned, a lot of how we are in our relationships has to do with our childhood, and with our trauma, and relationships can be a place to heal if we're willing to look at ourselves and do the work.

With love and care,

#AuthenticAlex?

Another great talk I'd recommend watching, Why you'll marry the wrong person.

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Hi there, I'm Alex. If we haven't met before, nice to meet you, and thank you for taking the time out to read my newsletter. If you enjoyed it, you could hit subscribe to be notified and if you liked it, feel free to like, share or add a comment. If you want to connect with me in other ways, you can find me on Instagram?here, or you can also sign up for my?Authentic Alex newsletter?that covers topics such as creativity, purpose, presence, leadership, and storytelling.?

If you're interested in getting into writing, sharing your story or simply for self-exploration purposes virtual doors to my 6 week Story Marketing course with yours truly are now open.

About Alex:?At the age of 24 Alex found herself employed as the Head of Training and Development for a Foreign Exchange Company in The City. After experiencing her very own quarter-life crisis, she decided to leave the corporate world and create her own definition of success. On the day she left that job she wrote a post that went viral on LinkedIn.

Since then she’s been named LinkedIn Top Voice UK twice for her mental health and personal growth content and has become an official LinkedIn Learning Instructor. She's also the co-founder of #LinkedInLocal, a global movement creating communities in over 100 countries and 1,000 cities.

She’s best known for blogging under the hashtag #AuhtenticAlex where she smashes one stigma at a time and writes about her therapy journey with the aim of inspiring others to transform their traumas into triumphs.

She now helps individuals and businesses grow their presence on LinkedIn, find their sense of purpose, awaken their creativity and tell their stories. You can find out more about her and the brand here:?www.fromtraumatotriumph.co.