Healing

The God-rays of overcast mornings have always, to my heart, been a sign of breakthrough, of hope, of promise.

I've been privileged to travel to a lot of "bucket list" locations in my time, often with the expense paid for by my employer. As part of these trips, I've been fortunate to build-in time for myself, to explore and learn a bit more about myself and the world around me.

In 2015, I was facing an onslaught of personal challenges. I had been separated from my ex-wife for a few years and, with her gatekeeping and influencing my kids, I couldn't find my footing. I chose to avoid the inevitable conflict and gave up much of what I should've claimed for my children and myself. In hindsight, it was a brutal year and I only saw my kids 4-6 times in total.

Travel has always been a therapeutic device for me. It's something I can throw myself at, get lost in, and let the environment do the talking and listening. Even today, happily re-married and with a better relationship with my kids than ever before, travel still carries with it a balm for the soul. I suppose this is the antithesis of all the training I received as a clinical counselor, what with the Gestalt, CBT, and other structures being thrown my direction, but in a way, this worked for me.

So it was that in 2015, I found myself with some coworkers on the opposite end of the world in Sydney, in the middle of their winter. Sydney was a collision, of sorts, between the organized freneticism of a metropolis and the laissez faire idealism of a more tourist-oriented beach town. The food was excellent, the people were amazing, and the architecture...well, there's a reason why a picture of the Sydney Opera House hangs above my couch.

I learned a lot about myself during this trip. I learned that my need for connection with other humans was an ever-present current that rippled through my soul. I learned that I enjoyed my personal time as much as I enjoyed the company of others. I learned that the key tattoo on the inside of my right wrist gave some the impression I was a Mason. I learned that perhaps I trusted in others good will a bit too much and didn't distrust enough. I learned I needed to feel loved and to find someone who appreciated what I felt in return.

Looking back at all this, I was, as the kids call it "a hot mess." I had friends who would care for my body, but couldn't touch my soul the way I needed. I had people that could satisfy the carnality of experience I thought I craved but couldn't answer that heartfelt cry for connection I voiced. I wanted but couldn't receive, choosing the table scraps of my own devising versus the meal set in front of me.

By the time 2015 ended, I had grown stronger. The divorce process started officially, catalyzed in no small part due to the gatekeeping of my ex-wife and her abuse of my emotional and mental states. I started a years-long process of cleaning up the detritus of my relationships with others and of winding down toxic situations. I began to see myself as capable: as a father, as a partner, as a friend.

Not everything's been perfect since that moment. Healing leaves scars, regardless of how well you stick to the plan. I had to find myself in some worse spots, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally, before I ever got to see wholeness. I had to take a few blows to the heart and head, had to divest in relationships that burned my soul as much as they initially healed it. I had to realize that even if I was an answer to other people's questions and needs, if I didn't find myself whole in those moments, I was going to end up broken again.

Eight years gone and I'm different. I'm still Dave, still human, still as broken as ever. But I'm now living in the wisdom of experience, still cognizant of my scars and brokenness, the woven lines and fissures of journeys taken that ended badly, the ink-stained fingers that cried for help. I'm more whole, more healed, more alive and it's a testament to my faith, my hope, my family, and my friends.

I wish for all of you to find healing, regardless of the struggle and strain. I wish your souls to find peace in the calm of the night, the eye of the storm, and the roar of the hurricane. I wish you to find a quiet place to lay your head, a chest to listen to heartbeats on, and gentle lips that whisper truth in love. Above all, I wish for you the healing of thousand of miles, of trips to the unknown, and the glorious return of a smiling heart.

May it ever be so.

#narrative #faith #hope #love #creativecollective #originalwriting #travel #Monday #LaborDay2023 #PostPhotos #PostPhoto #postphotos #photo #photos #postplaces #society #originalcontent #bethechange #nature #photography #travelpost #travelpostie #reflections #road #drama #senses #art #writing #moments #live #light #opportunity #stories #landscape #family #resolute #MadeonPost #soul #path #reflection #narrative #pursuit #living #curiousity #constants #trust #courage #love #connectedness #home #time #soul #family #community #communication #memories #godrays #Sydney #SydneyOperaHouse #2015