Healing conversations at work (and why we need them)

On a hot, muggy afternoon towards the end of June, I walked into my parents’ empty bedroom in Delhi and waited for my mother to emerge from the washroom. My visit wasn’t unexpected, but still she blinked a few times before she realized that I was indeed standing before her. When I stepped forward and embraced her, overcome by the moment, she held me and wept silently.

I was meeting my mother after 16 long months – and for the first time since my father’s passing over a year ago. I was not by his bedside when the time came, unable to travel due to the stringent lockdown. I had watched on video as my mother held up the phone for me while the nurses battled through their futile attempt at CPR and as he breathed his last. Hours later, my wife and I watched on video from our apartment in New York as my dear cousin consigned my father’s body to flames.

My story is not a unique one. The pandemic has inflicted tremendous suffering all around the world. The recent second wave that swept through several countries had especially devastating consequences in India, which is home to a large part of Accenture’s workforce and where I serve as Chief Talent Officer for our Technology practice. Despite herculean efforts on the part of our local and global leadership teams to organize help, many of our people endured immeasurable pain.

Traditionally, in the corporate world, we have separated professional life from the personal. Time and space for grieving has usually been out of realm of work conversations. Corporate culture’s unspoken rule left employees to grieve outside of work, expecting them to shoulder the daily deadlines and projects they had before their loss.

I believe that needs to change. The employee who logs into work every single day cannot leave a part of their being outside the now too familiar two-dimensional screen. They carry ALL of themselves to work. Coworkers and leaders now need to step in, more so than before, as a work family that cares holistically for each member who is mindful of their physical and emotional wellbeing.

Lending strength to each other

Soon after the onset of the second wave in South Asia, many of us living overseas watched in horror the suffering of friends, family members and colleagues in our home countries. There was an acute sense of helplessness and anxiety within us as we were unable to be present. Yet, we were showing up at work every day with our game face on, not having a forum to share our feelings and support each other during this difficult time. ?

Troubled by this, I proposed to our Accenture Asia Pacific Employee Resource Group (ERG) in North America that we bring together the community for a healing conversation. The incredibly passionate, sensitive ERG leaders helped craft a beautiful virtual gathering in very short order. As we came together for the session, a few of our leaders shared their personal stories of loss, of struggle, and in some cases, of acceptance of the hard things that were happening to them and their loved ones. But they were sharing their stories not as leaders—rather, as human beings. Pain and grief are equalizers, albeit unwelcome ones. One spoke of the untimely death of his dear sister, another about the loss of a colleague who leaves behind a young daughter. Another person spoke of the challenges of the dichotomy so many people are experiencing - business during the day and hard conversations at night with family in India about hospital beds and ventilators. Each spoke from the depth of their emotion. During the call, we asked people to respond to a couple of questions. The first was – What are you feeling? The answers ranged from shock and sadness to worry and guilt.

?The second question: What do you need?

“Space and time to heal and grieve.”

“Compassion.”

“Patience.”

“Boundaries between work life hours and [time for my] personal life.”

“Succinct communications from leaders on what the company is doing to help and how I can help.”

“Empathy.”

“Time from the chaos to breathe.”

A couple of days later, we held a similar session in the UK, given that it is home to many people from South Asia. The emotions were just as raw and the stories as heartbreaking. Yet, coming together for these calls had a powerful effect on all who were present. The act of sharing and grieving brought us closer, even though many of us had not known each other prior to these calls. A number of people had joined even though they were not from the community. They sought to understand the feelings of their colleagues and were present in solidarity and support. The conversation served as a shared experience of a universal phenomenon - pain.

We ended both the sessions with a beautiful piece of soulful music composed especially for us by my friend, Ustad Hidayat Khan. I am sharing it with you here so you can also be transported by the strings of his sitar, just as I have been whenever I have heard it.

Healing conversations have a place in the workplace

So what is the purpose of conversations such as these? Historically, the workplace has not been a place where we share life’s personal events. Yet, what we go through in life is precisely what we carry into our workplaces each day. Sometimes just knowing you are not alone is enough. One of the lessons I hope we take from this pandemic is the importance of human connection. And that no one need suffer alone or in silence.

As leaders in workplaces, we have a responsibility to ensure that teammates are given the respect and compassion we all deserve as we travel through life. We all have a choice, either to walk past what might be a difficult conversation with someone who is hurting, or to acknowledge what they are going through. Allowing them to express their grief and providing support is just the right thing to do. Creating a space for expression is essential for healing. Let’s raise the level of our conversations in the corporate world. Let’s make time at the beginning of each call to check in with each other. Let’s ensure that very real topics are not avoided but instead welcomed. It doesn’t just move us forward individually, but collectively as organizations and society.

A shared journey is a beautiful journey

My journey to India this summer was a significant one. Being with my mother and spending time with my dearest friends and family was truly special and something I will never again take for granted. What gave me the most peace, however, was being able to immerse my father’s ashes in the Ganges, accompanied by my childhood friends who drove me there. As his son, I was finally able to send him on his onward journey.