Healing after my divorce...

I can't believe it's already been 25 years since my divorce. I won't lie, it was rough! In hindsight, I wasn't all that surprised that our marriage didn't last. In fact, if I had listened and honored what my heart was saying as I walked down the aisle, I don't think I would have gotten married at all- that cold, cloudy, and rainy September morning in 1993.

They say rain is a sign of good luck and fortune for the newly married couple.

We were the exception.

I'm not sure if it is an old wives' tale, but I've heard that it takes double the amount of time you were married to heal from the dissolution. In my case, it would have been at our 10 year anniversary, but I can't say that the lingering dull ache of the aftermath will ever go away especially when a child is involved.

Our custody battle nearly took me down while I adjusted to my new role as a single mom, in a new city, and with very little financial or social resources. I felt as though I was unraveling from the inside- out. I wondered how so many other people managed and survived.

For me, once I got married, divorce was never a thought in my mind as I watched my parents struggle through their marriage for 67 years before my Mom passed away. I believed that marriage was synonymous with struggle and that everyone knew this to be true. I wasn't delusional, I didn't expect a walk in the park; I expected difficulties, but not the kind that was irretrievably broken from the start.

My first year as a divorcee left me feeling empty and dead inside while my immune system circled the drain. If I didn't have to take care of my son, I think I might have given up on life altogether. I didn't want my son to grow up with a checked out Mom who was a shell of a person, so I pretended by doing all the things Moms did with their kids, desperately hoping that my son didn't sense my cover-up.

I spent a lot of quality time with my son in ways that I wish my parents had time to do with me. I took my son for swim lessons, endless playdates, practiced taekwondo, taught him how to ride a bike and even go skiing. I didn't want him to suffer because his parents couldn't make it work. I poured all of my love into my son.

But no matter what I did, our custody arrangements left my son exhausted, confused and angry. No matter how I tried to 'normalize' our situation, the facts remained the same... he had to ping pong from his dad's place and mine every week so that we could spend time with one another.

Kids are the innocent victims in a bitter divorce, often left to decipher the undercurrents of blame and shame while navigating the impact of mudslinging by their parents. Sadly, with the divorce rate at a staggering 60% in this country, so many of us are suffering from the aftermath without fully realizing the long-lasting impact.?

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All of these difficult memories came rushing back as I listened to a podcast about how a science journalist tried to hack heartbreak post her painful divorce, after a 25 year marriage and several kids later. Sadly, her experience with heartbreak left her with a serious autoimmune disorder. Her doctors told her that her cortisol levels were through the roof and her emotional angst was quite literally causing disease in her body. She was desperate to find a solution for her physical ailments, so she did what any journalist does- interview experts!

She learned that there was a way to hack heartbreak and work on regaining her physical and emotional health by trying several things. One was through communing with nature and taking time to revel in the awe of what only nature can bring to our 5 senses and how our perceived issues pale in comparison to the expanse of creation. It never occurred to me that heartbreak could be hacked, but her findings were pretty cool and pretty simple to sustain.

Fortunately, I have been able to stay relatively healthy for the past 25 years post divorce, but I recently realized that I have been so focused on surviving that I hadn't really been living.

I am now focused on finding enjoyment in the mundane and gently parenting the child within me. I have forgiven myself for betraying the little girl at the altar 25 years ago and now choosing to pause and check in with her before making any decisions. I found that self-betrayal was even more heartbreaking than being betrayed by another person. My inner chatter is getting less punishing and more gentle in pitch. My discernment skills are sharpening as I take on new coaching clients and engage in new friendships with caution. Healing is happening after heartbreak... at last!

Do you ever wonder how many co-workers, colleagues, patients, families and even complete strangers are walking around with gaping internal wounds? And could their unusual or hateful behavior be coming from a past trauma?

With the uptick in aggressive behavior on airplanes, ongoing gun violence and horrible hate crimes, I can't help but think that this is a clear sign that wounded people can't help wounding others without proper mental health support and the love of one's tribe/community.

Can we make a commitment to do a random act of kindness for an unsuspecting person? We might never know if we are the only person who showed loving kindness to them today and provided a bit of healing.

Your friend and coach,

Grace