Talking Suicidal thoughts and Neurodivergent people.

Imagine the scene in the picture. It's 6am, on a midweek morning in July 2019 and I'm alone walking my dog, Rosy.

I walk early because I've barely slept, awake all night with my mind racing, turning over thousands of thoughts, relentlessly pounding inside my brain. All thoughts start with why, what, when, where or how?

I'm not turning over a new marketing plan in my head, though it sounds like it.

Instead I'm trying to find answers to why at that point it feels like my life has totally, utterly and completely failed.

Why can't I get things right?

Why aren't I as successful as other people doing a similar job to me?

Why can't I seem to manage money and my family finances, meaning we're in constant debt?

What did I do wrong to deserve this?

What can I do differently? I've read every self help book, listened to podcasts and scoured the Internet for help. Nothing has helped.

When will this stop?

When will my sons realise I'm a total fraud and a failure?

When will the pain and exhaustion end?

Where do I go from here?

Where can I get help?

How long will this last?

How many people have I hurt, let down or failed?

At this point I'm beyond exhausted. I've got no fight left in me.

Am I depressed ?

Yes, but I've not admitted it to anyone. I keep performing as an entertainer in front of hundreds of people every week, making them smile, laugh and always being upbeat. Noone is allowed to see through my Jesters persona.

I'm the Ninjester. Part Medieval Jester, teaching thousands of people circus skills, performing magic, fire breathing, escapology and more. Part Ninja Warrior athlete, a fan favourite from my appearance in the show, travelling to branded adventure parks to show people how to "beat the wall" . I inspire people, speak in schools about how being "different" is okay. I don't believe it though.

I tell my own Autistic sons every day how incredible they are and that one day they'll find their tribe. But deep down I'm scared for them.

Feeling like I've failed because I can't understand how to work my own brain, how can I hope they will be able to do any different?

It's 6.15 and the sun is starting to shine over the park where I grew up and now live.

Rationally I should be thankful for how lucky I am to have this beauty on my doorstep. But I'm lay on the grass sobbing. Unable to move.

At this point I pull out my phone and hit record.

I explain everything that's on my mind. I apologise to my wife, my sons, my family and tell them this isn't their fault. I ask all the questions that were on my mjnd earlier, hoping the face looking back at me has answers.

I don't say much more because I run out of words.

At the time I don't realise it but I've just recorded a suicide note.

I'm eerily calm now. Not crying. Not feeling confused, my mind isn't racing either.

At that point I'm deciding the most painless and, get this, the least upsetting way that I can take my own life without causing my wife and sons too much upset. But I tell myself that they will be relieved because I can't cause anymore problems.

Life mirroring art.

In the TV series After Life, with Ricky Gervais, he's is prevented from committing suicide by his dog.

As I'm debating which tall tree to climb until a branch snaps and I fall so it looks like an accident, my dog, Rosy can sense something isn't right. She doesn't often play with sticks, preferring balls, but today she's brought me a stick. She drops it at my feet and stares at me with her huge brown eyes.

I try not to look at her and throw it as far as I can into long grass, hoping it will take her a while to find so I can start my climb. But as if a greater power is at play, she's back in a heart beat. Smiling at me. Tail wagging.

I sit down, we play tug of war. I win. It makes me laugh. As I play more, I feel somehow better.

I cry, I laugh and then I eventually find the strength to carry on walking her.

Noone knows. Can ever know.

I know that I can't tell anyone about this. I know that if I do I will upset my wife, my rock and soulmate and my sons. If I tell my friends they'll tell me I'm a drama queen, attention seeking or just suggest getting drunk as an answer.

So noone is told.

I know I have ADHD at this point.

In fact I've been self diagnosed for 4 years by this time but this is the first time that I've realised that it may be making my life immeasurably hard as well.

From that day I never refer to it as a superpower or special skills. Because if it is, its not the kind of superpower I want anymore. It's something that to this day I find very annoying to hear others say.

I double down on researching the condition. Reading all I can. The good, the bad, the stereotypes and the latest research as well.

I'm desperate to understand if a diagnosis would help me.

By late November of the same year I'm Suicidal again. Only this time I'm sat with my wife. I can't hide it. I even speak for the first time to my parents telling them as much.

I agree to go to my gp to discuss things. I take the latest online preclinical adhd assessment I've done that points to the severe end of combined sub type.

The Dr agrees with the findings but - assessment waiting times are upwards of 3 years on the NHS. So I'm prescribed anti depressants and put on a waiting list.

This makes me worse. I know I don't have 3 years to wait for answers. I beg my parents to help me with a private diagnosis.

To their credit, they agree. In mid December I finally have my assessment.

The bombshell hits hard.

Severely disabling combined subtype ADHD. One of the most disabling cases my Psychiatrist has seen. In fact, given my severity, it's a wonder I'm even alive as I've travelled the world with zero filter or sense of danger.

It's a bombshell but a blessing.

I'm told medication will hopefully help me learn how to live without the Zoetrope powered by a rocket engine that is my brain getting in the way.

Healing takes time. Lots of time.

This isn't the last time I'll feel suicidal.

In fact the last time was in many ways worse. When I confided in some people I trusted, tried to explain what I was feeling I was met with a shrug of the shoulders, being told I was exaggerating and then being cut off completely. Never spoken to again.

I am definitely not alone!

When my first 2 episodes of Suicidal ideation took place I still didn't know I also had Autism. By the 3rd time I did.

These two articles alone point to the enormous rates of both suicide and ideation of suicide among people undiagnosed with Autism and those with ADHD.

Think about that for a moment.

Two Neurodivergent conditions where people can at the best of times struggle to explain themselves, make sense of their own thoughts, let alone make sense of the world around them are known to increase the risks of those same people becoming so desperate that suicide feels like the only way out.

But it's not just those two conditions that can take people to awful places. Anyone struggling with feeling misunderstood, different, margenilsed or adrift from society because of their Neurodivergent condition is at risk.

I am better but have to work every day.

My work now gives me great comfort and peace. Knowing I'm doing my small bit to help others make sense of their worlds is all I have wanted to do since my sons were diagnosed aged 4.

I now take cold showers outdoors every day, practise yoga, breathing techniques and active mindfulness. I have to. It's not an option.

As I rapidly approach the age of 50 my mission is to help others to feel, to know even that suicide isn't the only option. To know that they can be understood and accepted.

The only tools I have to do that are the ones I have developed as an professional entertainer and speaker, something I've been doing since I was 18 years old around all the other jobs I had before going full time in 2009.

And I'm going to speak, shout and scream about why things need to improve and how to support people for as long as it takes to start making real change.

Whenever someone refers to me as having lived experience I'm now truly grateful to still be living to tell my stories, share my learnings and to try to help. I'm lucky to have lived.

I'm grateful to Genius Within CIC for believing in me, for Neurodiversity in Business (NiB) - the Neurodiversity Charity for believing in me, to all the clients I've worked with for trusting me and to everyone who's connected in a positive way to tell me that they've found value in my voice and content.

Most of all I'm grateful and forever indebted to my wife, children and parents for taking my words seriously in 2019 and for helping me to recover and thrive.

The question is what can you do to help?

I'll ask 3 questions and I'd love to hear your answers.

1. What has stood out to you or resonated with you in this article?
2. What can or will you do about or with that information?
3. Will you share your answers to both questions with someone else? Will you share this article if you think it will help someone?

I can't answer those questions for you but hope my story, my honesty and my experience helps you or someone you know.

This article is also available delivered as a keynote.

For details contact me at [email protected]