To Heal a Broken Heart

On November 8 2019, I received a pacemaker to resolve an electrical conduction problem that prevented my heart from beating properly. This year was my one year "Pace-iversary"!

It's an emotional day for me. I am 100% dependent on my pacemaker, meaning it is pacing 100% of the time. It could be very easy for me to be a victim about it. I have been healthy my entire life. An athlete. Baseball. Ice Hockey. Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Running Tough Mudders and Savage Races. Health and wellness is a core value of mine. It is a big part of my identity. I am also a heart-centered guy, wearing my heart on my sleeve. How could my heart "fail" me? If I wasn't that guy, then who was I? How could this happen to ME? This problem surfaced out of nowhere. It was getting to a critical point very fast. I was blindsided by it. I was completely confused, lost and upset.

And then I made a decision. A powerful decision. I chose not to be a victim. I allowed myself a short time to grieve my figuratively and literally "broken" heart. I felt it deeply. I cried. I allowed myself to be "with" my feelings. And then I decided heading into this scary heart surgery that I would choose with intention and conviction my energy and attitude. I would be positive, resilient, calm and grateful.

The morning of my surgery I deeply felt the energy and love from family, friends and all of life. It enveloped me. I remember saying to myself, this is my morning, how do I want it to be? I took a walk in the beautiful morning sun. I relished the little details of my life. The riches of being alive. I thought of the loving, smiling faces of my wife, my kids, my family and friends and how amazing life was.

My surgical team greeted me with big smiles and positivity. They joked with me and I joked back. It was like we were old friends, instantly comforting. My nurses names were all Rose, my late grandmother's name and my daughter's middle name. I was being cared for by angels, both my surgical team and my loved ones. They were so fun, and also top heart professionals. I trusted them implicitly. They kept saying to me...you are a young, healthy, fit guy. Rather than wheel me into the operating room on the gurney, they said...you're healthy, walk in. So I did. As I laid on the operating table and they were hooking me up, they said, wait where does this thing go? I replied, you better know where that thing goes! They laughed, and I did too. Crazily enough, it was "fun". Had I manifested this experience?

During the surgery I had to be kept in "twilight" so they could run the electrophysiology procedure and test my heart. They inserted filaments into my heart and took over the electrical rhythms, making it beat faster and slower. I felt no pain, but was aware enough to know what they were doing. It was surreal. I remember thinking...I am positive, resilient, calm and grateful. I am going to be just fine.

I woke up in recovery with my wife Wendy sitting beside me. She's always there for me, right by my side. I was very hungry...odd for just waking up from surgery. By the time I got to my room I had so much energy I was bursting at the seams! I literally wanted to get up, rip all the wires off of me, and go for a run! I could not believe how good I felt! And less than an hour after surgery. My heart was fixed! It was beating normally and my blood fully oxygenated for the first time in a long time. I felt positive, resilient, and grateful. Not so calm, but with tons of energy!

My physician informed me later that for 2 or more years I was running, cycling, lifting weights and living with impaired heart functioning. He said I "compensated very well". With what? Coffee??

Here I am 1 year later...positive, resilient, calm and grateful. My choice to authentically embody these qualities this past year has dramatically improved the quality of my life. It was that simple. A decision. Life is on life's terms, not mine. But I get to choose how I respond to it. I create my reality. My joy. My life. I knew this beforehand, but it took a huge, scary challenge like this to cement this learning. I am very proud of myself. I did it.

My pacemaker allows me to experience life fully with all of my heart (quite literally) and that is a gift beyond measure.

So with a healthy heart overflowing with love, I have given back to my family, friends, clients, colleagues, and the world for the past year. I will continue to do so for as long as I live...give and receive love with positivity, resilience, calm and gratitude.

Now I'm off for my bike ride out in the country on this beautiful, warm, sunny November day with my wonderful, healthy heart leading the way. For my Pace-iversary.