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Abstract:

A brief explanation that goes someway in explaining how easy it is to ruin someones life. Seemingly kill someone off in the most effective manner with least loose ends. Ultimately, we rely too much on things we don't understand or appreciate. Like the internet. You viewing a page and another user viewing the same page at a similar time will almost certainly not see the same page it will differ to a varying degree of detail. So why do we place such blind trust in it. Also Googles search algorithm serves you relevant content. This may not be the most reliable or robust. Just what it deems is of most interest at that given moment based on the conversation that its listening to most of the time... rather than using these things so much perhaps we could come together and have a more tribal social setting. I think this would be a great leap forwards. A community bigger than a family but still close nit enough that it is of benefit to everyone. Perhaps a rotation of roles with each other teaching and coaching each other for desired roles while others perhaps get some time pursuing other extracurricular activities. Not to say some allowances could be made for both, if you see what I mean. Anyway I will talk briefly about gaslighting as it fundamentally is kind of the bedrock of this passage.

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Gaslighting is a term that is thrown around somewhat wildly, or, far too casually, for my liking. However, are you aware, of what the term refers to and where it originates from? The term originates from the 1938 British stage play, namely, “Gas light”?. Which later the term gained in popularity as the result of a American film adapted from the British play in 1944. In the film, the male lead keeps turning the gas lamps in the building either up or down unbeknownst to the female lead. This causes the female lead quite a deal of distress as it has the deleterious effect of leading her to believe that reality is not as it seems. It is similar to the notion covered in the film “Inception”? staring Leonardo D’Caprio where the female, Mel; Leonardos wife, doesn’t believe that she is dreaming.Thus, the only way to end the perceived dream or delirium is to kill ones self I've been there and cold logic did spur me on as all these strange things I lived through that no one seemed to have a Clue about happened. Perhaps, that indicates that I needed to go through the shite to emerge in a better light, one that I have reached my potential.?

The reason I mention this fact, and the reason I have spent the time giving some of the details as to establish, how a very simple act of denial, can have compounding effects on an individual, that you may be completely unaware of. The implications, however, shouldn’t go unnoticed.?

The act of gaslighting, not only being so easy to engage in, rather than, the far more productive in most cases, admittance. You may suffer in a similar fashion. This admittance, rather than, deflection would go someway towards aiding someone suffered at the hand of society, and, their use of gaslighting as a method in order to reduce ones proposed problem with a substance. Perceived perception that you don't fit in as others do, this is a facade. A construct of your own making that normally results in you comparing your own worse image against your own negative view of ones self. Not very helpful for the collective, I must say.?

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Gaslighting, I am far too familiar with. I can speak for hours on the subject, without repetition, to anyone that would be interested in hearing it. My years of suffering, at the direct result of the actions of a very large group of individuals that I called friends. Some I still call friends, as they clearly understood the weight of their actions. I now believe they would go far more cautiously regarding this matter. Perhaps seek the advice of someone that has been on the receiving end of this perceived trivial matter. It is far from trivial. I have personally been pushed far beyond the brink of sanity, over the course of several years of this very behaviour. No part of it is funny. No one should question if it is “a joke”?. Seriously, no one is laughing. Not a soul. ?

I cannot begin to explain to you how it feels. When one is pushed to believe that the real is unreal. That your own belief of reality is questionable. Even though you have your own account of events. it inspires distrust in that very account of events, irrespective of whether it factual account of events. Individuals would have stated that your version isn’t correct. When multiple individuals do this, and in a consistent manner, the effects are detrimental on a scale that I simply cannot express in words. I will try to as best I can. Imagine, that you question reality to such an extend, as the result of these individual actions, that compounded to the point that reality has no real consequence.?

Pause for a moment.?

Just to revisit the point, I hope not laboriously, but reality. Real life; has no possible fallout. Whatever actions you perform have no relation to the event after the event. I myself walked from Streatham to Stedham, a bloody long way, with a breed knife in my bag. With the intention if anyone I thought was acting in a peculiar manner, I was going to cut them open and see what was going on inside. Much like, Silas, in the TV show “Heroes”. I was pushed to the point that the only possibly explanation was a hardwiring issue of the individual, if thats the best way to put it. A piece must have been out of place, either in that person, or in myself. Then it was only a matter of trial and error, basic pattern recognition.?

I came far far to close to performing this action. On more than one unsuspecting innocent member of the public. I'm glad I didn't and would wonder what the implications would have been if I had been just that bit weaker.?

Just a person going about their daily business walking the street, buying fruit, talking on the tube. The women on the tube, more precisely, I had the inclination to cut her nose off. She seemed awfully noisy towards the other passengers business. The conversation seemed forced. So the logical explanation, given the extensive period of gaslighting, was off with the nose. I narrowly escaped following through with the named act by jumping off the tube at the last opportunity before committing. So, like I said, gaslighting, it is no joke. It is not funny. I say this with all the conviction one can muster. Please. Refrain from performing actions of this nature in future. Please. No one deserves that fait. The only reason I got through the ordeal was a determination, or rather stubbornness, comparable to a breeding mule (mules are infertile offspring of an horse and donkey). I was also lucky enough to understand game theory. More precisely, the notion of a zero sum game. Which I took all factors into consideration and did the only think that would conclusively prove the fact that something was afoot. It is important to stress I did this only a handful of times, which were incredibly well voiced to many an ear.?

If things were slightly different I would be spending a large majority of my life institutionalised and shortly, after, I imagine, I would have taken my own life. I don’t think anyone that truly understands would have anything to say on the matter. The sub-text of the actions would convey a meaning that no words could. I have been pushed to suicide more than four times during this. That being rather modest. On more than one of those occasions I simply didn’t have enough medication to ensure that I wouldn’t end up retarded, or a mentally handicapped. This would only cause more problems to society, which, was the last thing on my agenda, I simply wanted to make it better. My esteem so low, that I thought of myself from not only a monetary but societally view, as worthless. Something of detriment to everyone, that you spend any amount of time with me. Why else would people be doing this to me? Either that, or, the other option, was that I was loosing my grip on reality. I don’t know which is worse. Both when coupled together in this manner are the farthest thing from pleasant. Take a moment to imagine feeling like that. Now, imagine it for months. Tormenting you day to day. Reminded of it every hour. At every social interaction. At each passing second. Trust me, it ruins you. Breaks you in a way that nothing else could. ?

It festers and eats away at your very being. Leaves you cold. Empty. Alone. Unwilling to trust. Even your own judgement in a lot of cases. Again, take a moment with that last point. for it to really hit home.

In a bit of a juxtaposed view, as I initially stated in the title of this piece regarding the possible positive effects of gaslighting. Imagine the converse is true. That no one can say for certain about the series of events. as those events were beyond plausible, seemingly by design. Imagine that this series of events happened, to someone that, may have been of a higher perceived intelligence, than the casual reader. An example, I don’t really ever forget things. If I experience them, commit them to memory, which occurs even when trying hard not to take in details. They seem to be there forever. I didn’t realise others could forget per say. I thought it was more of an escape clause if you will. For example you start telling an anecdote and half way through it isn’t going down as you’d initially hoped. So then you forget what happened. This is a very simple analogy. I believe it goes someway to illustrating my version of things. You might think it remarkable, it normally comes across as creepy to most, when I exhibit it. But in all honesty its something I loth about myself. It leaves me in isolation, as just from remembering previous accounts, someone saying their version of events, might not be privy to the smallest seemingly trivial detail. Exposing a web of lies. It quite often does for me. It’s a fact that I have grown accustom to. I thought was a fact of everyday life. But, I have been made aware, that this isn’t a common perception. However, having a freakishly good memory; an overly analytical brain; driven by autism, is less than ideal for the everyday social events. The commonality of which becomes apparent far to often for me. I try and stop myself from continuing down a train of thought, that I know, will lead somewhere detrimental. but, its like an itch I cannot scratch. dulling with this feeling hoping to get distracted before reaching the detrimental thing. When this happens I still remember it, but simply don’t think about it. It sits there ready to rear its ugly head at a later date, when again a seemingly trivial detail is once again dropped into conversation. Please don’t feel bad, I’m used to it. Its basically all I’ve ever really known.

so thats a take away from this ordeal I will hopefully not feel like that anywhere near as often if this resolves its self in a positive manner. I'm still waiting.?

Due to this fact, that I believe drives me to try and be a “nicer”? person. I know how it can make you feel thinking like this. Or rather acting and deflecting in this manner, its cold, trust me. So make a conscious effort to make it happen as little as possible, where I pick up on the details that go unnoticed to most. I do however misread scenarios and when this happens its normally of a huge magnitude. Seriously, to anyone that knows me and have corrected me and its been like a “is it switched on?” Moment. Its the same the opposite way, something so trivial to you is sheer witchcraft to me. An example of this is that I have, not struggled but, not fully understood the notion of spite and jealousy. I simply didn’t and still sometimes struggle to see the point of it. Seems well, to me at least, to be detrimental to all parties in most cases and if its not then I usually don’t notice for precisely that reason. This is worth bearing in mind for future interactions.

So going back to the series of events that are implausible due to the deleterious version of events. No one is sure of exactly what happened, even things, or the data has, I can grantee been fiddled with. In a lot of these scenarios as I know the mechanics behind doing so. Also, censorship exists for a reason. I primarily took an interest in subjects of this nature, during a period of unemployment and self employment. I researched area of interest to make myself more employable. So with the very data we have come accustom to relying on, so intently. That very data, is held in incredibly insecure systems, that a screen sharing exploit is made possible to an alarming proportion just based on the oversight that HDMI is used rather than VGA. VGA would largely stop this insecurity due to it being a physical pin connection that can be changed, from a hardware perspective, stopping a hacker in their tracks. This compromises so many systems. Another very important point, all systems are connected to a network. Or rather “The network”? so even if encrypted, it is simply a matter of time to anyone with the knowledge and, foresight to look for any information. I mean think about the entirety of “The Internet.” That knowledge. All that personal data, about each of us, stored for years on systems that are fairly easy to access, if anyone wants to and has a reasonable level of determination. This basically allows your life to be compromised. Imagine someone stalking you but they’re also invisible. They know everything that you’ve done; from a data perspective anyway. I am one that from a young age of around 12-13, with some advise given to me from my father, that once something is on the web; it is there forever. As anyone could potentially grab and store a copy of it for use later. Cache perhaps? How much is that worth? See the irony??

So from this early age I deliberately used online social media as little as possible. Spent time on every site, not only declining cookies but unticking all options, as often as I could. This meant that our perceived stalker had very little information or perhaps miss-information to go on. This was because up until very recently I was an incredibly private person. I have more recently embraced another of my fathers great lessons. If you have no shame, no one can embarrass you.?

It took me years to pondering this and recently just think notions I state I've thought ahead in the conversation. I am however; always willing to broaden my horizons, and happy to be corrected. So normally if I voice a seemingly controversial view I have a rationalised argument for it, that may not be all that initially apparent. Which people often protest my view when first stated. Only for their body language to signal defeat once I explain my view in a rational argument. Let me make this clear I actually don’t like being the centre of attention and sometimes become it without noticing. I try and steer the conversation away from anything that could upset all parties, as previously mentioned. But let this be known that I do and frequently make mistakes. We all do. Thats how we learn. I believe I am not really that much more intelligent but simply more open to the idea that I fuck up.

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With this in mind, I make a conscious effort to learn from it and not fall into that pitfall again. or don't make the same fuck up time and time again. Thus, bettering myself and sharing my experience, if I think it relevant to, avoiding you falling into the same or similar mistake. I don’t do this for any other reason than why should we repeat each others mistakes over and over again in a perpetual manner. Its boils down normally to a simple factor of communication, honesty, or a simple over/under-sight.?

Sorry. I have digressed a little, but it is all relevant to gaslighting and my journey; I promise. I have simply tried to explain some of this ordeal, in an effort, to give you some context on a “severely autistic”? individuals view on the events. Side note: but I used to smoke crystal meth everyday for years. I was smoking it while I obtained a maths degree while under very heavy sedation. While I did this my boyfriends and people I interacted with on a familiar basis, have and would say, I know, that I might have been slightly Autistic but its marginal and mostly goes unnoticed. Or perhaps, that its kind of cute when you realise it. I argue is the direct result of my smoking crystal meth. As when I stopped those same individuals said “my god you’re so autistic”, “how did we not notice?!”? This is true. Across a wide range of individuals and yes, I enjoy smoking crystal meth. Does’t everyone that does it? Trust me its incredibly good fun to do but its so good that it can become a problem for someone that is possibly experiencing a Lifestage issue. Or perhaps, little will power, maybe? or, a lack of caution to how easy any drug can suck you into a unhealthy cycle. Wanting some escapism and getting carried away. It happens to the very best of us. I know I am not really addicted. I would like to do it a lot more often. Basically everyday in fact, but I know for me it sands down the jagged edges of my autism. Just makes the world a little less abrasive. a little easier to bare. Easier to distract myself and not fixate on those details that typically lead to negativity.?

That is my own view and I have tried a wide variety of drugs and turn them down knowing that I do this one that I have found that best helps my situation. I don't seem to suffer with addictions in quite the same way as others as stuff like smoking or taking a large Tramadol for a lengthly period and giving up overnight with little to no detrimental effects. I am not saying that crystal meth is a cure for everyone. or even instigating you trying it. I say this as many struggle with sleep on crystal meth. I again, would have several individuals that, would and may feel the need to write sworn statements that I could do a large amount of crystal meth and 15 minutes later be fast asleep. far larger than any individual should be doing in my opinion now. I don’t know how I do it, but, I get to a point were it just makes me lethargic. Then I notice that I’m either hungry or need sleep. So try option A first followed by option B. Normally it’s a mixture of the two.?

I while on crystal meth and smoking it almost everyday had a six pack, had a arse that, I as a gay man, that takes it up the chuff, was proud of. It was my most commented feature. One such quote was "theres not really another 5ft 3" guy with an arse like that." another commenting that "I looked better from behind" charming hey, but saying that my arse looked good. Especially in tights.

?I was very well built and used to ride my bike anywhere from 20-45 miles a day, most days. Reaching speeds of up to 35 to 40mph. I used to eat and get the munchies on crystal meth. again people will attest to that. I remember one such scenario where I was at an orgy, and stated I was hungry to the host. He proceeded to put a couple of pizzas in and order fish and chips with extras from the local fish and chip shop. I polished off almost the whole thing. To which he commented "who are you? You're on crystal meth and you're eating a lot" What can I say, I’m a very special little guy. Saying that, I don’t really do any other drugs nor drink alcohol. Well on the seldom occasion I do, it is very well thought through as I have seen first hand what a deep hole alcoholism can be. I know I for one will never fall victim to that pitfall. knowing all too well what can await at the bottom of the bottle.

So to sum up, I wrote this to highlight an issue of well, gaslighting, I suppose. But it became apparent that while writing it, I would have to divulge a little more regarding myself and my way of thinking. Hopefully allowing you to see just how I managed to just barely, rise above what happened. How I do not pass judgement. I learned a lot about myself from the experience. Or perhaps the highlighting of differences between my views and ways of thinking compared to others. Its been quite eye opening.

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So I write this to give an insight into my life, in an effort to avoid others falling into similar pitfalls. But, also so that I can better understand how you think and my view the world, because, I do struggle with that a lot more than may be obvious. I always have. I just realised and dedicated more time to quantifying and understanding it. I very often replay the series of events exactly as it I perceived it over and over in my head. Trying to ascertain the intentions of all people present. Analysing each word for clues. Its very structure. the pauses and inclinations. The tone, this is one I struggle with more often than the others. It can be very laborious. Sometimes takes me years to grasp what most people would take perhaps a few minutes to realise. But hey, thats me. I’m special, apparently.

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So I’m being honest about my views, and what happened to me. I hope that at least on an individual level you can be more honest with me. I can definitively say I don’t judge. Have almost certainly seen and heard a lot worse. Not to blow my own trumpet. But I've seen more of the underside of society than the vast majority. Not to engage in a pissing competition, as its not a competition anyone should have. It simply allows me the ability to empathise with a much wider scope of emotions and scenarios, on an personal level. So with me at least, you’re welcome and I see it as an admirable endeavour if you are honest and not scared to say something that, others may disagree with. But then simply agree to disagree. Let that fact define you, unless it changes at a later date but then make an effort to correct it, if needed.

I say this to simplify life. We all need to slowdown and stop thinking in spiteful terms. Things normally have a rational solution, people in my experience aren’t spiteful intentionally. What is perceived differs, from the truth, which just leads to separation unnecessarily. Normally due to very trivial or silly core reasons. So why don’t we make more of an effort to be a bit more understanding, just be a bit nicer, perhaps even forgiving.?

Wouldn’t it be a nicer place for us all to live? I believe so. This is how I can be so seemingly flippant with the events that took place, I've thought about them to a far greater extent and for far longer than you. Fact. I do however, hope that it is in aid of some benefit to us all. Otherwise I will have to live with the fact that I suffered more than any individual should for nothing. That is something that I will not be able to stomach so easily. Because you've shown me I'm better, yet I suffered and wanted nothing more than release from it. I would have done anything, well almost anything as it seemed what was desired. So I denied it through sheer stubbornness. But if I'm better than you. What does that say about our communities? Our culture? The very foundations of our society?

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Not much at all really. That hurts, deeply. Cutting through me in a manner I can't explain. Its more than disappointment bordering on resentment. That is if we don't stop playing whatever silly little game this is that I'm being kept in the dark of. Please, include me.

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For fuck sake.?