He Didn't Mean It

On my way to Boston Logan Airport to catch a flight to Dubai, I got into a conversation with the taxi driver. It was a great conversation and I was sitting in the back seat smiling at the evident pride he felt towards his daughter and the sacrifice he’d made for her education. He talked at length about her hard work, her accomplishments, and specifically, her commitment to helping those with the greatest needs.

The driver was right to be super proud. His daughter is an educator and clinical director in a school for autistic children, and the stories he told of her experiences, sacrifices, and the impact she’s having, all deserve credit. Frankly, she’s an unsung hero.

But then he said something that caught me off-guard. “This makes us more thankful for having normal children,” he remarked, after describing the special needs context that his daughter works in every day. I’m sure he didn’t mean the words in the way I interpreted them – I’ve heard similar things said hundreds of times and am probably guilty of making such statements before myself – but that evening, they struck me differently.

While I understood what he meant to communicate, it made me sad. In fact, his words really stung – so much so, that I had to share the experience with you. Why did they sting? Because at times, I have thought like he did. I don’t want to acknowledge it, but it’s true, and it has to change.

Other people’s circumstances should not be the reference point for your own gratitude in life, and the same goes for disappointment. In fact, comparing yourself to someone else can be an empty source of self-worth or a harmful way to devalue yourself.

The desire to top others is an exercise in futility and we must wean ourselves off social comparison. But of course, that is easier said than done. As a boy growing up, I was taught not to attempt to better myself by putting someone else down, yet sadly, comparing ourselves with others is something we humans do with ease. I doubt the driver in Boston really meant to do that, but that was the result nonetheless.

The inverse of what his comment sparked in my mind is just as prevalent, maybe even more so. What I mean is, comparing yourself to others can also lead you to think there is something missing from your life. You may feel you’re not as good as someone else or as lucky as they are. Inevitably, this is going to leave you feeling inferior and depressed, which is normal. No-one likes to feel that they aren’t as good as they thought they were. The thing is, what you don’t know is others’ backstories.

That’s not to say that comparison is entirely a bad thing. Used correctly, it can help you to identify your weak points so you can improve on them. However, you must tread carefully. Instead of comparing yourself to others in a way that leads to misplaced self-aggrandisement or self-humiliation, use the reference points set by others as a means to grow.

We need to celebrate life, individualism, and the value that every person offers. Relating back to the driver’s basis for his comments, his daughter isn’t sacrificing anything. Rather, she is blessed with a gift and is no doubt deriving great satisfaction from helping others.

The people who she has dedicated her life to may have a different reality than you do, but inside them is a uniqueness…one that we all need to embrace. Inside every human is something special and every person has a contribution to make to society.

One person’s difficulties and another person’s success are not adequate yard sticks to measure your life with, nor are they reasons for joy or discouragement.

Try to see uniqueness as individual genius with the potential to make the world a better place. Resist the temptation to compare. Have pride in yourself and be proud of others.

Printed originally in Gulf News (4 November 2019)

Dr. Tommy Weir is the founder & CEO of enaible: AI-powered Leadership and author of best-sellers including Leadership Dubai Style. Contact him at [email protected]