But He Did it! How Comparison Keeps us from our Goals

“Comparison is a thug that robs your joy. But it's even more than that - Comparison makes you a thug who beats down somebody - or your soul.”

- Ann Voskamp

About two weeks ago, I had the pleasure of seeing two back-to-back presentations on real estate. How to get into it, what to do if you want to be an investor, and all of the complex problems and jargon that come with the space from two well established real estate investors. I found it all to be super fascinating, and it piqued my interest.

Now, I am a huge fan of learning new things, and would be lying if I said I didn’t have a bit of an ego, so naturally…

I immediately started studying like crazy and looking for houses to buy, thinking I could brute force my way to five years of experience in the field.?

To the surprise of no one, it turns out that it is not that easy to just find houses to buy, nor can you magically learn everything you need to learn about a specific topic in a week's time. How disappointing.?

“But I am a resourceful person!” I thought. So, I reached out to a friend of mine, no older than me. He had mentioned that he was studying real estate as well, so I thought maybe we could learn together, and it would be fun.?

To my surprise, not only had he been learning real estate for a while, but he already had not one, but TWO properties, a property manager, and tenants for both properties.?

I guess he was a little more ahead of the game than I originally thought.

I mention all of this, because while this information didn’t change my goal; I could tell my demeanor in the conversation had completely changed. I knew in the back of my mind; I wasn’t just trying to learn from him anymore…

I was also actively trying to compare his success in this space to completely unrelated successes in my life to see how they stack up, in an attempt to make myself feel better about not knowing as much as him…?

Honestly, I was jealous.

Their Goals Are Not Yours

Looking back on that conversation I really needed to analyze why I felt this way. Why would I be upset that I have a friend that is skilled in a field I want to be involved in? In all reality, I should be incredibly grateful!

I think the answer to this lies in a funny little thing we like to do called “positional bias,” which is a concept that refers to our tendency to compare ourselves to the best traits of others, without really considering the full picture.?

Doing this came with an interesting side effect. I found myself devaluing my own achievements up to this point, because I had yet to achieve the very lofty goals, I set for myself in the spaces that I work hard in. I was comparing myself on the basis of:?

You achieved a goal, and I didn’t, so you must be better right?

But the biggest fact I was missing was: His goals aren’t mine, and my goals aren’t his.

I want to be a successful content creator, I’ve wanted that for years, so no wonder I would spend much of my time learning strategy and creating content instead of real estate! Despite knowing this however, I was so quick to throw all of that learning away because in a singular moment, I found this NEW skill to be more valuable than the ones that I had, simply because it was new to me, and thus, put those who are better at it above myself.?

And this put two equally damaging thoughts in my head:?

1. “What if I dropped all of the content creation stuff and went all in on real estate to catch up?”
2. “Screw real estate, it's not that valuable anyway, I’ll just focus on what I’m good at.”

One thought devalued my work up to this point, and damaged my self-esteem, the other served nothing but my ego, and stole my chance at learning something valuable.

And both completely ignored my personal goals.

The Humble Student

One of the most difficult balancing acts in life is the one between being humble and proud, because there is an added value we get from one, if we learn to try and master the other.?

There is no shame in taking pride in one's achievements, but there is a line when being proud in the face of others’ achievements. My response to someone’s success should not be to tout or compare it to my own. My response should be to inquire, uplift, and acknowledge, because that is how you toe the line, and can get the most out of peer interactions.?

What I should have done was saw his success as an opportunity to not only learn but build a closer relationship through a joint interest.?

Instead of sitting silently, I should have said this:

“Wow dude, that’s awesome! I haven’t really gotten into the space, but I would love to learn as much as I can. Would you be willing to teach me how to get started or point me in the direction of who you learned from?”

Imagine the pure joy he would have felt if I had immediately led with that? Imagine how excited he would be to teach me, and crazy enough…

Imagine how much and how quickly I would have learned about the space from an enthusiastic peer, the same age as me, who I’ve now built a positive rapport with? What a missed opportunity.

It’s funny to think that our egos can be the very thing that keeps us from justifying our egos.

Had I created a strong relationship with him, I would have been able to maintain my strengths and goals, while acquiring valuable knowledge on the side, the very knowledge I was so ashamed of not having.

Focus on your Strengths, Outsource your Weaknesses.

Who doesn’t want to be a jack of all trades? The person people can go to with anything, no matter what it is. Well, I think I’ve come to understand that being a jack of all trades isn't as cool as I originally thought.

Because being decent at everything removes the special attachment, we have to the skills we love to learn and eliminates the reasons we have to become the very best at what we love. Probably most important of all, being good at everything removes the reason to ask questions, make connections, and build relationships with people you want to learn from.?

Focus on your strengths, outsource your weaknesses.

I love content creation, and I am so excited to spend the next many years of my life becoming as great as I possibly can at it. In the meantime, if I want to invest in real estate, fix a car, build a PC, or anything in between, I’ll be so happy to have a network of people I continue to support and have positive interactions with, that would be happy to help me learn and overcome my weaknesses.?

In this way I know I’ll achieve my goals within my strengths and have plenty of space to learn other things. All I have to do is leave my ego at the door and make humble asks with a smile on my face.

Because the only comparison that matters, is the comparison to who you were yesterday.

Happy Learning!