Will he Articulate?

What if a Student suffers The 'Audacity Syndrome'? Will he articulate?

A slight tremor of sparkling pain in my head – “What?”

“Seriously, it’s nothing. Maybe I’m just exhausted a bit. But what for I’m exhausted?”

I’ve literally not been doing anything much since the beginning of the day (11 am to be honest and harshly specific) and I’m exhausted?

“That’s mental exhaustion and strong unwillingness to the job whatsoever.”

“Procrastination, overthinking, giving up, monkey thoughts, escapism from reality by consuming social media-based drugs – Instagram content consumption, non-stop listening to music whilst working or studying, be it instrumental or lyrical. Pause it if you can.”

“F##k, I can’t concentrate as the music helps me concentrate and solve the derivatives and now all these stupid thoughts are hovering and being played in my mind constantly with appropriate treble and bass and the same monkey grooving again. At least with music, I’m able to achieve the desired output. Or can I?”

“Rubbing the eyelids and eyes, eventually for more than a minute is pleasurable even when it’s not required. Maybe so is the content I’m consuming these days. Why am I doing this irrespective of being the most so-called practical person in my mind? Is it always right to see yourself manifest your fear when you’re eventually subconsciously approving yourself that things can’t go the other way around?”

“Mental arguments – a Curse. Why is it pleasurable to run an argument with my mom or dad or someone out there in the neighbourhood just because I had a small argument with them, a few minutes ago or maybe whom I overheard, out of the blue, talking misinformation about Tagore while pulling water from the well; who, buy the way has nothing to do about my existence and the same way around?”

Worry and work for the ones that are controllable. Whom am I lying to? I’m the one who stays with me for those 15 minutes after I throw the phone away at 2:15 am when the world is asleep and I’m wondering about what’s gonna happen, maybe 6 months down the line, or maybe after a week or maybe after a couple of years. Sleeping is pure escapism just like Music, Social media or any other drug out there freely available in today’s world. I would have died asymptomatically long ago if it was a rule made by the creator that our whole day’s thoughts would be played out loud in amplified amputation in our heads daily at 12:12 midnight. Phew!

“I’m more comfortable attending lectures while on bed as it rests my spine and I can study effectively for long hours. But I should inculcate the habit of sitting on the executive chair in front of the study table, as it’s good for the studies and I should be in a habit of using it; plus, I’ve invested 4,000 bucks on that chair – that’s mom’s hard-earned money, at least have some respect for her, if not yours.”

Fallen a prey to the YouTube Shorts, reaction videos, jokes, standups, Netflix documentaries, movie clips – enjoying of course in the ‘break’ time. Breaks are meant to be time bound. Getting back on your desk with utmost concentration and building the same energy, rapport and rhythm, right after the break time is officially over requires courage, guts and sense of responsibility and discipline to make it a routine. Of course, I’m talking about cowards like myself who, you know, ‘has to inculcate a habit of discipline and perseverance and consistency’ – basically the kind of sh#t I usually throw in the name of ‘wisdom’ to my close people, family and peers. Tasting own medicine is jeopardizing, mind you!

“I’d always wanted to be a writer, maybe I should try contacting PocketFM (again) or TVF or I’ll try approaching Aditya Kulshreshtha (Kullu) or I should try my luck with Rockrulz Independent Music, Kolkata or maybe I should wait for The Bong Guy’s reply.”

“Wait, mom dad are working so hard these days and I can’t see them like this, already the financials aren’t that strong, I should streamline the business first. I should get Zoho Books or Tally Prime for mom’s business w.e.f. 1st April, 20XX.”

“Wait, why isn’t she texting or calling yaar. It’s been more than a month I had a conversation with her, when is she going to text? I’ve been posting my study accomplishments daily since more than a couple of weeks now and there’s silence in the WhatsApp Group we created. What’s the point of that group then? Have those guests left her home, or has new ones arrived again? Her exams are due in less than 50 days and this unwanted fiasco. She should protest now goddamn it. Or just join a library…but she’s uncomfortable attending lectures on earphones…Oh…come on, you’ve got to have something, things aren’t going to be our ways always goddamn it. I don’t understand, just tired of waiting for her text. Don’t know what she’s up to. Huh.”

“It’s been almost 2 weeks since I’ve submitted the Form 109 for along with the documents on the Portal after all the humiliation, insults and mind-f##k I tolerated because of my superior just to get 3 goddamn signatures on a piece of paper; and still there’s no reply from the prestigious governing body for 15 days now. My cut off date is March 31st, 20XX and I f##ng don’t know when I’ll be in receipt of the termination intimation and I can meet Mr. ABC at the new office in accordance with the address he communicated to me on Instagram DMs upon my request.”

“Had a cheap argument over call with that mind-f##ker and his relative whom I had to lend money almost one and half years ago now and now I’m the evil person because I’m asking my money back. I’m sorry for asking my money back, I’m inhumane for asking my money back, I f##king apologize for asking my money back, I’m the one apologizing pathetically who silently listened to his bullsh#t because I wanted my hard earned money back and I’m sorry.

“Haven’t yet started with the lectures of the most lengthy subject of the entire CA Final curriculum – Financial Reporting (FR) when my exams are due in couple of months with 75% of my lectures pending for AFM (as per the software) and 95% of my lectures pending for Auditing (again, as per the Content browser software); and still, still I have this f##king Audacity to sit idly in front of the TV after my dinner and wondering ‘how can the Malaysian Airlines MH 370 (Boeing 777) just vanish in the air back in 2014, there’s got to be some explanation beyond the conspiracy theories’ & the courage to even open new MS Word document and rattle on for 1295 words straight away in 20 minutes or so at 0017 hours, instead of having my sh#t sewn together and bounce back to my desk".

"Then cry on the day of the Results seeing your families cry and you remembering all your deeds of unable to manage time for mocks or apt revisions and wondering how PQR cleared it in one go or how it seems so simple for all those who scored a set off along with worst challenges; and here I am with this beautiful scorecard”.

I’ll be attracting more problems this way, if I don’t rectify myself at the first place. I’m nobody to blame the circumstances, in case they aren’t in my favour in future. I’m supposed to be disciplined, consistent, perseverant and that’s only how I could turn the odds into evens and that’s how future unforeseeable circumstances, if any, would rectify itself or would sail me through.

All The Best