Having troubles setting boundaries?

Do you have difficulties setting boundaries??

Having troubles setting boundaries? Find out your assessment scores to?know your boundary setting limit!?

?Hello, it is a beautiful day.

Would you mind if I checked in on you and asked how you are doing? More than ever before, I am committed to growing this year. How about you? Whether or not you are also passionate about growth, I will love for you to tell me how?your year is coming along, I would be thrilled. Feel free to reply to this newsletter to share your insights or request resources. Big one is?if you want me to connect you to APS for free in my network. APS- Accountability Partners System supports you in your desire to grow in any area of your life. I got you.?

Now, let's get to the point of why I am writing you today. My question is whether you struggle to set boundaries across all your relationships. I am curious how you deal with boundaries.?

Do you set healthy boundaries for yourself or do you find it difficult to do so? Or do you set boundaries but can't seem to stick to them??

It's difficult to navigate life without boundaries. To be honest, I was terrible at setting my boundaries. It wasn't easy for me to set my boundaries. It wasn't easy for me to say "no". To everyone I said "yes" and to myself I said "no". In pursuit of love, I burned myself to exhaustion in order to please others. For me, it was all that mattered.?

This was what my mother modelled for me. It was a blessing and privilege to have my mother as a mother. She was extremely selfless. Her generosity knew no bounds. She put other people before herself. She donated my belongings several times without first asking for my permission. She gave out the most valuable items, too. This continued even when I was already a teenager.

I remember one of the instances very clearly. It was a jubilant and boisterous Sunday morning in 1994 as I walked into the vast cathedral filled with people observing doctrines. I was exhausted from the walk from home and my chores for the morning. I trudged between?the pews with my head down, trying to find an empty spot to fit my wasted frame in. I?had to find a place to sit. It was the second Sunday of the year, the church was full, visiting members had not returned to their various destinations.?

I found a spot down the aisle and perched. As I sat and looked up hoping that eyes fixated upon me would by now be looking in other directions, my eyes travelled to the church benches at the corner. Another young teenager who is also my relative was wearing a dress that looked so familiar. Instantly I panicked! My mum did it again! She had given her the dress I wore for the first time the Sunday before. It was my favorite dress! I was furious. I could not handle the emotions so I convinced myself that it just might not be the dress. After the church service that day, I ran home hoping that I was just dreaming. I hope to find my dress at home. But no! In fact, it was my dress that I saw on the lady in the church. My mother had given her my dress without asking for my permission or at least informing me.??

This was not a single occurrence.?

My mother taught me how to share, but she violated my privacy repeatedly, and I was taught to put others before myself.?

Learning to create boundaries is a long process. It is how we can protect ourselves. I shared last time how to "SMERGERD" every day to prioritize your mental health. But total wellness requires healthy boundaries.?

What can you do to establish healthy boundaries?

Having to learn how to set boundaries has taken a lot of practice for me, from learning how to say no to honing my assertiveness skills. I will share with you the techniques that work for me.

The RARP acronym stands for routine, assertion, respect, and?prioritization.

#Routines.?Getting back to basics has helped me rediscover myself. Creating simple routines like early bedtimes and rising times has given me so much control over my life and as a mother. Routines help us plan and allocate time to what we have to do. Routines help us reinforce habits. However, if the routines we have don't help us stay healthy, this can actually have a negative effect. I found that I do not drink enough water so I moved my cup to the bathroom, since I drink water directly from the running tap. The cup reminds me to drink water each time I go to use the bathroom.??

It is easier to start our days on a positive note when we have a to-do list and a clear schedule. If I knew what I needed to do to be productive each day, it would be easy for me to focus on what was important and not be at the mercy of other people stealing my time and invading my personal space.??

Boundaries give us the opportunity to take care of ourselves. I like to make self-care routines, and schedule spa visits, schedule my "me-time," plan family vacations, plan to be random and unstructured. The randomness and relaxation time is part of the routines. Even when it appears that I was not working, I shouldn't be drafted into someone else's business except it is an emergency,

#Assertion. Boundaries are a learned skill, so it can be learned. In order to establish healthy boundaries, it is important to be assertive. Communicating is one of the most challenging aspects of human life. There are times when we assume that the other person knows what we need. We must be clear about our intentions without ambiguity or emotional hijack.??

Assertion involves knowing what we want and expressing it clearly to people without having to be aggressive or passive. This is top personality skillset. With practice, it becomes easier. My attempts to be assertive are often ruined by emotional hijacking. People we interact with on a day-to-day basis have their own mental needs. They may project their shortcomings onto us. Occasionally we may find ourselves moving our boundaries to accommodate their emotional needs or getting lost in the emotional dance if we are not careful. As a result of relationships that trigger my emotions, I make efforts to be assertive without being overly emotional. This takes a lot of grit.?

#Respect.?Respect is a two-way road. Studies shew that people that are disrespectful to other in any form are fundamentally disrespectful to themselves.??We respect people's boundaries not because we agree with them, but because it is their decision to decide what their limits are, and ours to respect these limits. We found that people who are unable to set boundaries for themselves might not easily respect other people's boundaries. We need to assert our boundaries so that other people respect them.?

Prioritization. We might feel guilty or anxious if we say "no" to people's requests that do not align with our timing or boundaries.?I know this from experience, it?happened to me so many times. It's undeniable that when we are courageous enough to prioritize our self-care, we may disappoint others.?

We might find this challenging if we strive to be liked or validated by others. There is nothing wrong with saying yes to ourselves every now and then even when that means "no" to others.?The people that love us will understand when we need to make time for our self care and wellness. While they may have been disappointed at the time, they should be proud that we stood up for ourselves.?

When friends are willing to say "no" without fear of making me uncomfortable, I'm always grateful. If they said "yes" because they didn't want to upset me, that is very disappointing in and of itself.

The idea of setting boundaries and valuing our wellbeing is not the same as being indifferent and insensitive. This is not an excuse to be entitled and self-aggrandizing.?

For a quick analysis of your boundary setting grit, consider the following questions:?

Would?Would you be willing to change your plans to accommodate sudden requests from friends, family, or colleagues? or?Have you ever been frustrated and resentful toward others who make endless demands and you keep tolerating them to avoid offending them?

Click on the link to get more resources, network or collaborate https://eepurl.com/hTBrnb

Download the personality questionnaire attached to this article for free on telegram. Visit https://t.me/ithriveonwisdom or search Thriveon on Telegram.

Mail your score to [email protected] for a free assessment.