Having Difficult Conversations

“Pay the money or they die.”

When you’re on the end of a phone and someone says this to you, it tends to focus the mind a little on how you’re going to negotiate with them. I think in anyone’s definition, a person who makes such a threat could be deemed ‘difficult’.

While it is unlikely you’ll ever face somebody making these sorts of threats, not all conversations are easy, yet the same principles apply to many situations. They are particularly relevant when you’re going into a negotiation to face a person you’ve deemed to be difficult.

Unless you follow some basic guidelines for these types of conversations, you can easily find yourself in a battle of egos Therefore, your approach must begin by stepping beyond an ‘us versus them’ way of thinking and communicating. There’s no place for an ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’ approach if you want to communicate consistently at the highest level.

Think about the last time you struggled to achieve the outcome you were seeking or didn’t feel listened to. Chances are it was because one or both of you had this mindset. You might also have employed your old patterns of defending, withdrawing, comparing, or attacking.

The following? Harvard Business Review ?article ?highlights how the infamous Roys family from the hit HBO show,?Succession , make a number of significant communication mistakes in a recent episode,?'Rehearsal' , and how they could have fared better and achieved more by taking a more empathetic approach.

As the article states, “having difficult conversations are a part of life, yet many people don’t know how to have them. Whether it’s addressing a sensitive topic with a friend or confronting a co-worker about a problem at work, these conversations can be uncomfortable and even intimidating.”

“In the episode, characters are trying to have a difficult conversation, but it’s almost as if the air is thick with tension and suspicion. You may have been in similar situations in the past: You’re hesitant to speak openly because you fear that your words will be used against you or twisted into something they’re not. It’s like you’re walking through a minefield, unsure of where the next explosion will come from.”

Watching the Roys make a series of common mistakes offers an opportunity to think about the right ways to have hard conversations in real life.

The most noticeable thing missing from their conversations is trust, yet it is the foundation of all meaningful and successful conversations, whether in the home or across the negotiation table.?

Without trust, people may be unwilling to take responsibility for their actions, leading to prolonged conflicts and making it even harder to find a resolution. If you’ve ever felt heard and understood during a meaningful conversation, chances are the other person took time to build trust between you, as well as demonstrating vulnerability, honesty and a shared goal of understanding and respect.?

Often people will make the mistake that you can only be vulnerable once trust has been established, yet the?research ?is clear; trust only comes once you’ve?first?demonstrated vulnerability. It’s not always easy, but it’s essential for effective communication and healthy relationships.

Another mistake in the episode is their inability to talk about hard truths. Communicating with clarity is both powerful and compassionate, however tough the message. If we’re not clear and direct, it can also breed misunderstanding. In a hostage negotiation when lives are on the line this could prove fatal.

Two of the characters in the episode engage in what’s commonly referred to as the ‘feedback sandwich’; a technique where constructive feedback is sandwiched between two positive comments. Anyone who has experienced this will testify it’s one of the worst ways to offer constrictive feedback and should be avoided at all costs. The plethora of research only confirms what most of us already knew.?

I think it’s fair to say that the Roys family also lack any degree of empathy, particularly the more powerful cognitive version. In any form of communication, but particularly when having a difficult conversation, being able to demonstrate empathy is a super-power like no other.

Remember, empathy is not sympathy, nor is it necessarily agreeing with the other person or feeling what they’re experiencing. It’s the identification of another’s situation, motive and emotion, and communicating that back to them, without judgement or blame. If you do it right, you’ll make the other person feel safe, seen, heard and understood. Once you achieve this, your desired outcome of the conversation is all but guaranteed.?

Finally, what the characters lack in real-life communication skills, they make up for in great entertainment. The secret is in discerning the difference.

You can find out more on how to negotiate with difficult people as well as succeeding in stressful, emotional or sensitive conversations in my new book,?Order Out of Chaos , published by Little, Brown on 25th?May 2023. Available to pre-order?here .

You can also sign up for my monthly?newsletter ?where I share further negotiation and communication techniques or go to?www.scottwalkerbooks.co.uk

#negotiation #difficultconversations #empathy #workplaceconversations ?