'Having it All' on you at the same time

I need to acknowledge that this is very, very hard. So often, especially as a working mother, there's a pressure to hide family struggles, home challenges and the sheer exhaustion of parenting in regular circumstances to present a polished, together and competent image. These are not regular circumstances.

My business is in the middle of unprecedented growth when my family demands have also exponentially multiplied. In normal circumstances, this would be a time of asking for family help or external help just to keep up with the kids so I can do the work I need to do. These are not normal circumstances.

I'm trying to fit work into every tiny slot I can. I find it impossible to stay up late or wake up any earlier, because caring for children is exhausting. They don't just watch TV. They need interaction with me every 3-5 minutes. Long enough to write maybe an email in between, if you can gather your thoughts that quickly and concentrate over the shrill sounds of happy toddlers.

I write this because so many women I have mentored or met have told me they admire my ability to manage twins and keep it all together. I'm normally shocked by this statement, because I rarely feel like I am keeping it all together. Especially right now, I need to say that I'm not keeping it all together. In fact, like most of the other moms I've spoken to, I'm falling apart.

Fear of the unknown, fear of the known, fear of people we know, fear of the outside—these are not normal anxieties for me, or for many of us. Dealing with well-intentioned teachers doing their best to keep preschoolers engaged remotely yet creating more stress as I try to determine which Zoom link is for which activity at which time. Handling the fear of food shortage, of meal planning for quite literally the first time. Making sure my husband hits his required 40 hours logged in to his already remote job, even though he needs to tag in every so often when I need to cry hysterically (usually about the damn Zoom invites for the kids) and compound that time to the end of his work day (just about the hardest part of the day for young toddlers, if I'm being honest).

I'm writing this to let you know that it's OK not to have it all together. Because none of us do. We shouldn't feel pressure to express otherwise. Let your children scream for you in the background of your calls. Let them watch as much TV as you want. Hold them on your lap while you try to work. Don't stress yourself out trying to hide them for the illusion that you're not a parent while you're working.

Right now, for the first time ever, our parenting lives are our working lives. We can't pretend we're not mothers while we're at work.

Right now, for the first time ever, our parenting lives are our working lives. We can't pretend we're not mothers while we're at work. It's going to rapidly shift our dynamic, but only if we are honest with ourselves and each other. This is hard, almost impossible, but somehow we are still making it work.