Having it "all"

A few years ago, a senior exec where I worked asked me whether I felt if I “had it all”. My face must’ve let him know I was a bit confused with the question, so he explained that since I was a mother, held a good position at the firm, and seemed balanced, then I must have it all. My face must’ve continued to express some confusion, because he went on to explain that he was about to present a speech where he’d share his intention to create an environment for women to feel they can have it “all”.

I smiled! And as politely as I knew how, I explained that I was far from having it all. As a professional, I often left the office before some peers, because I needed to get home to my children before they went to bed. As a mother, I often missed my kids’ events at school, leaving them often disappointed. I further explained that the constant struggle to meet expectations at work and home, left little time for me, or a social life outside of work.?

As the conversation unfolded, I began to feel bad, this senior leader’s smile was turning into a frown, and it wasn’t his fault I felt like I was far from having it “all”.

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Fast forward 9 years since that conversation, and I have a revelation on this topic. In recent weeks, many of us have picked up a decent share of articles, posts, and comments on female versus male leaders and the topic of?“having it all”.

Well, I believe that if we don’t have it all, then that’s because our “all” is way too big.?Or perhaps we’re not conscious of the choices we’re making. Or perhaps we have an unrealistic idea of what having it all is, perhaps a definition we’re taking from what society labels as?“having it all”.

Let me get back to my personal experience, I spent over 16 years in FOMO state (I learned this expression from my kids: it’s an acronym for?Fear Of Missing Out). I felt that if I had the luxury of not having to work, I’d write, read, walk on the beach, exercise, have lunch with friends, lecture, public speaking, and volunteer to change the world. (Ok, 1st?this does not reflect the full list of all I would do if given the gift of time, 2nd, now that I put it in writing, it’s a bit obvious I may have been a little too ambitious).

After jobs in two different countries, and after having collected more air miles through work travel, than my family and I are able to consume, the universe has finally given me what I’ve been begging for: time out, for clocks to stop just long enough for me to catch my breath. All the required pieces came together, and I’ve been on break for the last 5 months.?

While this break has been very much what I needed, it hasn’t exactly been what I’d dream it would be. On a positive note, the rat race (as my teenage son calls it), has depleted me of energy, enthusiasm and even optimism. So, time-out to sleep a little longer, not ruminate about office politics, time to exercise and be more available for my kids – without the rush, has significantly restored my energy levels. My physical resilience hasn’t been this strong since I’ve been in my early 20’s. I feel more like myself, and happy to spend time with my children, even when you think you already know them, you discover what you didn’t know was left to discover. I also feel content with this test I wanted to submit myself to. How do I describe myself if I don’t have a professional title? My home is finally organized and for some odd reason, apart from some version of OCD, that makes me happy.

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On the flipside, I have worked more weekends during this break than I have in a long time. And when I say work, it’s not a couple or even as few hours. We’re talking full-on weekends. This, on break…. I’ve felt stressed and as if I’m consistently letting someone down. The first part of this break wasn’t what I had dreamed, because my “all” was, quite frankly, unrealistic.

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The biggest benefit to this time-out is that I have come to realise 1) there’s no point in being frustrated, I haven’t missed out on as much as I thought (there’s still only 24 hours in a day, even on break), and 2) I can have it all, every single one of us can. We’ll have different “alls”, and just like that strategy class I gave last week at the business school, a good “all” means that we need to make trade-offs and choose. If we make these conscious choices, it will be the perfect?all.

In conversation with my husband last week when I was able to articulate this thought, he agreed, but somewhat. His perspective is that this is all great, but society is less demanding of the male gender’s?all?versus the female’s. Which is a good point.

But I push back on that thought. Just because society doesn’t judge men, or question if they can have it all as they prioritise their careers, it doesn’t change the fact that they don’t have it all, not the one society has defined. If they’re staying behind in the office, or packing up those air miles, that means they’re not at home. They’re not building those relationships, they’re not creating memories with their children, they’re not discovering how much they still don’t know about their own families, and friends.

Those successful men, whether they’re fathers or not, who dedicate their lives to their employers only have it all, if it’s their conscious choice to do so. Even if sometimes, our choices are driven by needs, it is still a choice.?

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And woman can have it all, independently of what society thinks of them. If they chose work, fine, if they’re stay at home moms, my utmost admiration. But if they’re like me, and many others, who want both worlds, we know we can’t sign up to 100% of both.?It’s physically impossible. If we’re in one place we’re automatically not in the other. We need to redefine our all and become comfortable with our decisions. I am comfortable with the decisions I have made until now, with that meeting that I missed because I had to be with my children, as well as with that recital I missed because I had an important day at work, which also fulfils me. My children are healthy happy humans, and I’ve been able to realise my potential in several roles I have been afforded along me career.

Is there a role for employers to create environments for staff to have their all? Of course, there is, both for women and men, to balance their responsibilities and priorities. The evolution we have witnessed in organizations granting parental leave, independently of gender, is a great example. There are many other we can identify.

Women can have it all! How society, our friends, family, and colleagues define our choices – as having it all, or not, should not dictate our decisions nor how we feel about them.?

For me, I have reconsidered the answer to that question from 9 years ago. I have it all, will continue to have it all, if I consciously make the right choices for me, and am comfortable with the consequences and benefits of how I dedicate my energy, that is limited by the time I’m afforded on this beautiful blue planet called earth!