HAVE YOU HEARD + UNDERSTOOD THEM?

Q: If you have an issue with a colleague or manager and need to have a difficult conversation, what is the most important thing to do?

A: Hear + understand them.

Now that does not mean your perspective should not be shared, rather that if you approach a difficult conversation (DC) by forcing your agenda or trying to make the other person see it your way, it is extremely likely to escalate.

Instead, it is highly recommended to approach a DC by hearing + trying to understand the other person’s concerns and what is important to them.

HOW TO DO IT

The most effective (+ only way) to ensure they are heard, is to repeat what they said back to them.

Not what you think you heard.

What they actually said.

How will you know you have heard them correctly?

By checking with them what you have heard is what they said.

This is critical.

It is only then, that the conflict can move forward to resolution.

They will no longer feel stuck in past misunderstandings, struggling to get you to understand what their issues are.?

AND once they feel heard and understood, they will have greater capacity to be able to hear and understand your concerns. They are likely to be less defensive + more willing to move forward.

THE CASE STUDY

When skillful difficult conversations are not had early, misunderstandings morph into unresolved conflict and the need for a third party to facilitate mediation (a formalised type of difficult conversation) is necessary.

I was recently asked to mediate between a senior manager (Party A) and a younger staff member (Party B). Respective intakes with A + B revealed both were wedded to their respective stories and adamant the other was to blame for the conflict:?

-A felt B should be respectful of their position + experience and not be so challenging + headstrong when sharing their opinions about their mutual clients.?

-B felt A was patronising + closed to new ideas to the detriment of their clients.??

Both did not feel their views were valued.

The repercussions of their misunderstanding (conflict) were impactful and escalating. Their relationship had deteriorated to the point whereby they were only communicating via the HR manager and were no longer able to work jointly with their clients. Both had been on stress leave and were receiving counselling through EAP. Others in the team had also been roped into cliques (or ‘armies’) to take sides thereby negatively impacting the overall team culture.

HR requested me to 'mediate the mess’ with the aim of reconnecting their relationship and thereby, improving their psychological health (stress). My role as mediator is not to ascertain who is right or wrong but to facilitate the mediation process to initially enable the parties to hear and understand each other. In my mediation experience (500+ formal mediations), I know that if parties are able to do so, the issue will more than likely reach resolution.

In the actual mediation session, both parties found it difficult not to react to the other - specifically, Party A found it incredibly challenging to hear what B was actually saying. When I asked A to repeat back what they heard, it bore little resemblance to what B actually said:

A: I don’t know, it sounded like blah blah

B repeated her concern

A: I don’t know, something about it being all my fault

B repeated her concern

A: I don’t know, but what I think about it is..

B repeated her concern

(And so on…it took 4-5 repeats for A to hear what B actually said and be able to repeat it back).

It can be acknowledged that it is really challenging to hear the other person’s perspective and it is very difficult to drop our spin on the conflict. We hold our ‘I am right’ story tightly for defence and the other person’s story feels like an offence, or an attack on us (and our identity). We may experience a cognitive dissonance that actually hurts our head as it is so hard to hold two different or competing perspectives at the same time. It is definitely a tricky process to let in another’s story that begins to change our own.?

LET GO (OF THE OLD STORY) + GROW (A NEW NARRATIVE)

Difficult as it is, it is also rewarding to let go. If we want to resolve the conflict (professional or personal), we have to be genuinely open to growth and that means - getting curious! It will not only improve the relationship, it will contribute to our personal development. Otherwise, we stay stuck in the stagnant and self-righteous swamp of an unhappy self. Being repeatedly ‘right’ can be ever so wrong!??

In a difficult conversation, we need to get curious and seek to understand. We need to be mindful that we have our story and it is only half the story, we need to explore the other person’s perspective to create a fully informed understanding. Of course, they also need to understand our perspective to create mutual agreements for the future AND that will usually occur if we come in with a collaborative vs competitive approach.? It’s all about the we vs the me in difficult conversations!

So, to summarise, in your next DC, ask yourself:

Have I heard the other person clearly?

Have I repeated back to check - “so what I hear you saying is… is that correct?”

Do that and I promise your DCs will move toward connection!

HOW I CAN HELP YOU + YOUR TEAM

I can assist you + your team to develop your conflict + communication skills, with the following options:

Difficult Conversations: inhouse (for your team) or open for individuals

Mediation+Conflict Resolution: inhouse (for your team) or open for individuals

Psychological Safety for your leadership team

Contact me on LinkedIn if you need any details or have any questions.

PS see video below of me speaking recently at a large conference in Cairns on this topic :)