HAVE YOU EVER SOUGHT A THIRD ALTERNATIVE? JUST IMAGINE DONATING OPEN-MINDEDNESS INSTEAD OF MONEY. Caution: Article may contain traces of black humor.

JUST IMAGINE DOING AWAY WITH COMPROMISING? FOR THE SAKE OF SOMETHING BETTER.

Are you compromising or looking for a third alternative, a way other than just your way or my way - a better way?

Conflicts are bound to happen in all sorts of organizations: homes, businesses and countries. In my view we must not even wait till a conflict arises because looking for a better way is a mindset and can prevent us in wasting energy and time on discussions without a positive impact on our development. Rather it is how we are prepared to handle the inevitable conflicts in our day to day business of personal lives. We are best prepared to deal with conflict if we are ready to change our perspective.

On how to deal with conflicts, I have come to appreciate and try to apply the thoughts of Steven Covey. And looking back, I realize my mother was my biggest mentor in this regard: all she taught me, directly or indirectly, still make sense.

This article discusses some examples of conflict situations that lead to hidden costs in our daily business. The six true stories shared might change your perspective. At the end, you will find the value added if this attitude is applied, to you and to your customers. You will also find six simple steps to help you cultivate the “third alternative mindset”.

But first, what is the third alternative?

The third alternative in this article refers to S. Coveys definition: It is not my way, not your way but our way, a better way. The third alternative is the skill to solve differences and conflicts synergistically (see S. Covey, 2004, the 8th Habit, Chapter 10)

It is all about 1 + 1>2. It is about working on stakeholder relationship to produce better results. It is not a compromise but a consensus, a clear win-win thinking. It is striving for a better way for the sake of a better organization, country, home, school, etc. An obvious case for this thinking is in the context of today’s world politics of extreme polarization between the right and the left or conservatives and liberals. Yet in the business world, there is just similar polarization. It is only that we consider ourselves “civilized”: we do not fight physically or in loud debates, but we can engage in bad-mouthing, resign inwardly or use other methods to show our positions (category hidden costs).

The third alternative can also just mean understanding the position of one another before coming to an agreement. How often do we hurry to judge just because the initial intention was misunderstood and hence the hardline stance of both parties?

How do we manage by third alternative consciously?

Simple: "I See Myself", "I See You", "I Seek You Out", and "I Synergize with You".

Sooner or later there will be a kind of conflict among stakeholders. Here are some examples in our daily business:

Within an organization: the leadership or management style might not suit us. Conflicts arising can be valuable: but only if we look for the third alternative. It is not about a colleague or boss being right, but about the organization producing better results. 

Business partners: How many hours do we spend trying to iron out differences we have about contract details in order to push our agendas? How often are we willing to look for a solution that is better than both of us suggest? If we shortchange suppliers for some short-term benefit, then other problems are bound to arise anyway. Just imagine the picture we leave behind with the employees if that is the way we deal with stakeholders?

Acquisitions/mergers, clash of cultures: With people and culture, there is no quick and easy fix. Successfully working together must be learned; it takes time, persistence and patience to transform dependency into interdependency. Mostly, it is not seen as an opportunity but rather your way and my way. Awareness, getting together to work on a solution geared towards seeing the company move forward, setting common targets are just a few tools that help us come to a common understanding and identify a better way, the third alternative.

What does this mean for our role in an organization?

To see conflict as an opportunity, not as me against you or us against them. Leaders enable and empower people to take responsibility, even being self-critical in the search for the third alternative. There are tangible and measurable aspects in both values while the intangible aspects play a significant role. (picture: pininterest)

Here are six stories that I would like to share with you

Story #1 told my brother Tito Omondi (picture: pininterest)

Otieno is a Kenyan, who visited a conference in Sweden. Early one morning, he went for a walk in the streets of Stockholm. He observed that this was the cleanest city he had ever seen. Nothing buzzing around. If you are used to Eastleigh and Dandora in Nairobi, Kenya, then you would think you are on heaven.

And yet as he made a turn into a certain corner, he found a guy sweeping the pavement. He could not understand why someone would waste his energy sweeping an already clean pavement. He even thought that the sweeping would make the pavement less tidy. So, he decided to ask him why. The sweeper answered that they clean as a routine because if they had to wait until the dirt accumulated, the people would first walk on dirty streets while waiting for him to arrive with his broom.

When he went back to Kenya, he shared this with his family and friends and because they were ready to change, this example spread by word of mouth and this attitude was adopted by in Otieno (at home and at work).

My thoughts/learnings: Working on the third alternative before costs arise is the key. Secondly: This is the art of learning across boarders that we need, not that we in Europe think, we have more money and resources, let us just donate some of these to people in places like Kenya. We can help change attitude and vice versa also learn from positive aspects in all places. If someone or people are ready for a change, it will work. With 22 years’ living in Germany and 22 in Kenya, am still waiting for the “global” third alternative instead of development aid (monetary wise). What message do we deliver? If we treat people like “dependents” and like “people to be fed”, they will always remain dependent. We should strive for eye-level partnership, instead of donations that encourage toxic dependency.

Story #2 – My own experience in Switzerland

I once got into a taxi in Switzerland, assuming the driver takes all swiss cards as means of payment. On arrival, he said the system does not accept my swiss card that and that since that morning, credit cards had problems, so he would only accept cash payment, in Swiss Francs or Euros. Well, I rarely have cash with me, all I had was 10 Euro. The drive was much more. Before panic arrived, he said easily,

“No problem, give me the 10 euro you have, that is good enough. You know, some people pay much more and some less - there is a balance, always”.

I will never forget such a simple sentence with a big impact. Was it worth arguing and prolonging the payment process? That was indeed a good example of mutual respect and benefit. How often do we do that in business?

Story #3 – I have moved – an alternative way of death announcement, in Switzerland (pictures: pininterest)

Humor and creativity always win, even at sad times.

“I have moved, new address Graveyard 345. Visitors are always welcome”

A friend showed me this death announcement, in Switzerland, in 2007. Since then when I go over death announcements, I wonder who else has moved and what will happen when I move for the last time.

The lesson: the third alternative mindset makes even sad and tough moments look less sad and in another way, enable the search for other solutions.

Story #4 – My childhood story (picture: Pininterest)

My childhood is full of great memories, and even in the saddest moments, when I look back, I can count myself lucky because my mother is the greatest mentor in the third alternative mindset that I have ever met, even if I did not fully appreciate that back in the day. Because she had almost only girls (9 out of 11), she was called by the society, “mother of girls” (this was unfortunately not a compliment, and we never understood why). She accepted and carried the name with dignity and pride. She knew and kept reminding us: you my girls, are the future, ignore them.

One attitude will never leave my mind. Amidst a difficult life where we lived with inadequate resources (please no pity), whenever she got resources or money more than was usual (that is if we had something to eat for consecutive days for a change) she would share this with people even more in need than we were. With that she meant the old, the ragged, the sick, people without homes. As a kid or teenager, I never understood all her ways. Looking back, I now see, and I really appreciate what she did through these examples. My favorite story is our frequent visits to an old and lonely lady in the neighborhood. Because of poverty, the lady would eat cold “millet ugali” (a meal made from millet) -a common staple food in parts of Kenya, cold porridge, cold bitter vegetables that the lady would have prepared days earlier. The lady would not afford much for herself but whatever she had; she shared with us during the visits.

My mother insisted that, however unappetizing the lady’s food looked, we always had to eat it, as a sign that “we are not better”. We would do so and the old lady was always happy. We would also share what we had brought to her. Even now, miles away from my first home, this story still helps me. Instead of wasting, share, she would say. You must not have it abundantly to share; share the little you have. Bow yourself down to people, be in their shoes. Without eating what she ate, how would I really know how it felt?

It also helped us understand even with our not-so-good situation there were some families or people out there whose lives were tougher than ours.

Story #5 – a picture all of us might have encountered in German streets, own experience (Picture: istockphoto)

I was on my way bringing my son and a friend to a school event, by car. Well we were quite late (my own problem, I know??). Being keen to “hurry” without exceeding the speed limit, two cars in front of us stopped. Of course, I was patient because I never know why someone stops. Seconds later, the first driver came out of his car, walked to the rear car and as much as we would observe, they were exchanging words in the middle of the street. It did not look like a friendly exchange: Neither was there an accident as we could see in the distance between the cars. Well I do not have all facts. In such situations I always ask myself for alternative ways.

What we learn from this: In this case of a likely unnecessary road rage, a third alternative would for the drivers to drive or move to a safer place and sort out the problem between them or alternatively, just hold back for the sake of something greater than both of us. Must we always insist that we are right?

Story #6 – a paradigm a shift once experienced by one of my favorite authors, Stephen R. Covey (The 7 habits of highly effective people, Stephen R. Covey, 2004, page 30-31) (Picture: Pininterest)

“I remember a mini-Paradigm Shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly — some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene. Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.

It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?

The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”

What does it teach us? we should strive to understand others and see things differently before we judge. How we feel changes if we take time to listen or pause to consider the other side of the story.

Alternative thinking involves basically these 6 simple steps:

1. I can only search for the third alternative if I am secure in myself and conscience, instead of relying on people's opinion and affirmation.
2. Observe from a different angle. Ask the why: why am I perceiving it this way? Why did we start this in the first place?
3. Pause and take time to consider your thoughts before acting and go through this again.
4. Make your point only after understanding your partner’s point of view, being in their shoes or how your point would impact them.
5. Consciously seek the third alternative. Ask for help in arriving at the third alternative so resources and energy are not wasted in finding a solution. A simple question to your partner may help: are you ready to search for a better solution, better than what each of us has proposed?
6. If none of the above helps, let go. There are so many choices in this world:-)

Remember the third alternative has a lot to do with your emotional bank account. If we are ready to listen, we deposit a lot. If we make mistakes, others are ready to forgive. It is all about mutual respect and benefits – if you are ready to cultivate this in business, you are always ready to get rid of hidden costs.

People who are willing to search the third alternative, in my opinion, had at least said this once “oh, I never saw it that way before”.

Now what is the value added to the customer: Amongst others:

1.    Less expensive products and services, because process-costs reduce massively.

2.    Quality acquired at the at the time required = boosted productivity.

3.    New chances, new collaborations, thus exceeding customer expectations.

When did you last say, “thanks, I never saw it that way before”? It may take ages before you realize but better late than never.

Share your experience with us.

Thank you! Susan:-)