Have you ever fallen in the Drama Triangle? Here is How to Escape it
Nikolay Angelov
Senior Software Engineering Leader | PMP? | Building High-Performing Teams, Engineering Strategy, and Operational Excellence | Driving Innovation in Automotive, Robotics, IoT & SaaS
Ever Felt Stuck as a constant Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer? You Might Be in the Drama Triangle
Let’s be honest—conflict happens. Whether it’s a tense meeting, a disagreement with a peer, or just a frustrating moment at work, we all get caught up in difficult situations. Sometimes is more than just a moment. Sometimes is the dynamic between you as a manager and your direct report or peer. And then you might feel like a Victim or somebody makes you feel like a Persecutor or even the person who should rescue the "victim". I have fallen into some of these unconsciously until I didn't have a chance to self-reflect, and then comes the question - how to get out of this role?
This might become a real challenge. This is where the Drama Triangle, a concept by Dr. Stephen Karpman, comes into play.
It breaks down conflict into three destructive roles:
Understanding these roles is the first step toward escaping drama and fostering healthier team dynamics. So, let’s dive in!
Which Role Do You Play?
1. The Victim: "Poor Me"
Ever felt like you have no control over a situation? There’s not enough time, nobody listens, it’s impossible, nobody will help me, or I was never shown how.
That’s the Victim mindset. The Victim feels powerless and helpless, often looking for sympathy rather than solutions. They see obstacles but struggle to take action. They need a Rescuer and if this is your manager, you might end up in this role. Well, if you just push back and refuse to play the game, you might quickly change to Persecutor.
Well, there is a way to help somebody, who feels like a Victim to move out of this mindset role. Even if this is yourself!
?? Instead of saying, "Why does this keep happening to me?" ask yourself, "What can I do to change my situation?" Takes responsibility for your actions and feelings.
The shift from being a Victim to a Creator who takes charge. If this is somebody who you want to help, ask them to think of what is in their control and to make one change at a time and then another one. Do not become their Rescuer, this will only make things worse.
2. The Persecutor: "It’s Your Fault!"
This is the role of the blamer. The Persecutor tends to be critical, controlling, and dismissive. They thrive on pointing fingers rather than finding solutions. In leadership, this often looks like micromanaging or overly harsh feedback. Imagine a manager who says, "You messed this up again! Can't you do anything right?" This can make the workplace feel more like a pressure cooker than a team effort, or "I should always check after you! I can't trust you will do the job well!".
?? Instead of controlling or blaming, become a Challenger—someone who pushes for growth but with support. Someone who disregards personal judgments but focuses on constructive communication and specific cases. Encourage others to take responsibility and make positive changes, offering support without judgment.
领英推荐
3. The Rescuer: "Let Me Fix This for You!"
At first glance, Rescuers seem like heroes—they jump in to solve problems and "save" people. But in reality, they create dependency, preventing others from learning to navigate challenges on their own. Envision a manager who always steps in, "Don't worry, I'll talk to the client since you're having trouble." Helpful in the short term, but it might keep the team from developing their own skills.
Leaders often fall into this trap when they take on too much responsibility instead of empowering their teams. And longer being in this role, it is becoming more and more painful to shift from it.
?? Move from being a Rescuer to a Coach. Ask guiding questions rather than offering instant solutions. Help your team build confidence instead of reliance. Use active listening as a tool. Asks empowering questions, and encourages others to find their solutions. Offer support and guidance without taking over the problem.
Breaking Free: The Empowerment Dynamic
So, how do you step out of the Drama Triangle? The answer is The Empowerment Dynamic (David Emerald’s book, Power of TED* (The Empowerment Dynamic) introduces these concepts.):
When teams embrace this mindset, workplace drama decreases, and productivity skyrockets. Conflicts become opportunities for growth instead of spirals of negativity.
Final Thoughts
A drama triangle is part of life - not only at work but in your day-to-day life too. Actually it is also examined in details in Eric Berne's Transactional Analysis. The next time you find yourself in a difficult situation, take a moment to reflect: What role am I playing? If it’s one of the three Drama Triangle roles, shift your mindset. Choose empowerment over blame, coaching over rescuing, and action over victimhood.
It’s not always easy, but trust me—it’s worth it.
Have you seen the Drama Triangle in action? Let’s discuss this in the comments!
Some interesting external sources: