Have You Ever Been Conned?

Have You Ever Been Conned?

Lisa*, 32, came to our office for an evaluation. Two months before she had broken up with Dan*, 34, whom she had been dating for the past two years.

When they first met, she found him charming and charismatic. Lisa overheard Dan talking to a group of guys about his investment portfolios and his new sports car. She was in a few bad relationships before and felt quite unsure of herself. Lisa was impressed that he looked so professional and sure of himself. It seemed like Dan was a nice and well-established guy. So, when he asked her out, she readily agreed. Lisa was a catch and had been working as a high school teacher for the past five years. She was financially disciplined, owned her own home, and had saved up a decent stash of funds.

Dan initially showered Lisa with gifts. She was intoxicated by his flamboyant aura. Within months, she realized she was falling in love and started dreaming of marriage. Dan told her he worked as a stockbroker. He lived in an upscale apartment and drove an expensive sports car. The first six months were like a dream come true.

But before long, Dan began having difficulties with his investments. He asked Lisa if she would loan him enough to recoup his losses. He convinced her that he was a pro at playing the market and promised he would not only return the borrowed money but give her half the profits he made. A few months later, Dan approached Lisa about cosigning a car lease for him. He explained that his current car lease expired, and he needed to maintain his lifestyle to succeed in his business. He was embarrassed but said his credit scores were adversely affected by the irresponsible acts of his ex-wife. He vowed that he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Lisa believed Dan was a sweet, honest man.

Dan kept telling her that he was just going through a bump in the road and once his situation got better, they would marry and go on a fabulous honeymoon. The more they saw each other, the more Lisa missed him when he wasn’t around. Dan suggested moving in to help save on monthly rent. Since Lisa was head over heels in love, she went along with all of Dan’s requests, even when she felt a slight hesitation.

About a year into their relationship, Dan started coming home late at night. He always had some explanation: he was working late, had car problems, or was with the guys at a sports bar. As Lisa grew impatient and suspicious of him, she decided to hire a private investigator. Her dreams quickly unraveled. Dan was dating several women. To make things worse, he had a criminal record and had been charged with embezzlement. Disheartened, Lisa confronted Dan. He, of course, denied any wrongdoing. He couldn’t believe she would have such serious allegations! He swore he loved her more than he loved anyone before.

As more heartbreaking information about Dan came to the forefront, Lisa had no choice but to evict him. Dan, however, would not quit. He continuously called Lisa, telling her he loved her and that he was misunderstood and framed. The phone harassment got worse, and Lisa had to file a police report. Then, Dan disappeared. To this day, nobody knows his whereabouts.

How con artists succeed

Con artists have an uncanny understanding of human psychology and pick their victims very carefully. They have cultivated a set of skills over time, which are utilized to earn the trust of unsuspecting victims. They tend to exude a lot of charm and confidence, making them very convincing. They also tend to victimize people who are inclined to depend on others for self-worth/affirmation. Many con artists have well-rehearsed lines and phrases which they use repeatedly. This is like their trademark. They sound especially convincing and often believe their own lies.

Spotting a con artist

I often hear from female patients that it’s so difficult to find a good man. Most men are not con artists, but the basic principle of con artistry and the heterosexual relationship issues are similar. Most straight women look for prince charming and that’s exactly what most con artists pose as. Advice to all: judge a person by their character. Don’t judge a person by what they say, but by what they do. Like they say, talk is cheap. Sweet nothings are just that.

If you discover you’ve been conned

The tendency to blame yourself is natural, but that isn’t going to help. An inclination to trust people is a sign of good heartedness; however, trusting people blindly can be self-destructive. Learning from your past experiences, changing your behavior pattern, and valuing virtue over style are critical.

If your family member/friend is a con artist

Confront them directly. Con artists have a very complex set of psychological issues. This includes narcissistic tendencies, lack of conscience, a deeply seated lack of self-esteem, urges to control others, etc. To truly help a con artist, get them psychological help from professionals. Many may not be aware of the motivations behind their behaviors.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy. This article is for educational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose or treat any medical or psychiatric issue. Dr. Rakesh Ranjan is a practicing psychiatrist, a researcher, an author, and an educator. He has been recognized by Ohio NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) as a recipient of the Psychiatrist of the Year Award, and by National NAMI as a recipient of the Exemplary Psychiatrist Award. Dr. Ranjan is a national speaker for several organizations and serves on the medical advisory board for the NAMI of Greater Cleveland.