To have the impact you want, stop trying to avoid being who you don’t want!

Tell me what you’re afraid of being called, (or who you’d hate to be), and I’ll tell you exactly what’s in your way of being more effective and impactful.

Huh?

Last week I wrapped up the Wild Spirit Leadership Adventure with a group of incredibly challenging, supportive and more than a little courageous, women intent on cultivating their most impactful leadership through bringing to life their wildest, most ambitious visions for the future – personal and professional!

One of the explorations I take them through uncovers how they get in the way of that impact and effectiveness they work so hard at every day notably by being such a hard working, unassuming, unobtrusive good girl. The Too Good Mother that Clarissa Pinkola Estes describes in her book, Women Who Run With the Wolves, saps your power.

Do you ever…

• Try not to be too difficult so you aren’t a bother for others?
• Understate your accomplishments to avoid looking arrogant?
• Work hard so you’re seen as a good worker and not seen as lazy or mediocre?
• Stay unflinchingly strong – because you’re not a victim!
• Say yes to every request or call for help so you’re not seen as unhelpful or callous?
• Undercharge or lower your rates/salary aspirations so no-one (least of all you) could call you greedy or a money-hungry capitalist

Should I go on?

Ta dah! All dressed up in sugar and spice and all things nice, your ego – in the form of your socialized inner good girl - has covertly hijacked your power! Consider your inimitable, badass creative self well and truly undermined.

What to do about this?

It’s not as easy as simply focusing on your values. I see so many women wielding their values against themselves in the form of self judgment. Which keeps the too good mother firmly in place. Except the value of Truth.

Try truth!

Name some of your good girl behaviours and see them for what they are: smoke screens, protection, armour. Dare yourself to be even 10% more difficult, lazy, mediocre or weak. Subjective these words might be, but your inner critic is very effective at using them to tighten the lasso around your energy and power. Challenge your definition of them. Notice where you’re playing small to feel safe and reduce tension.

Stop confusing diminishing yourself for not being arrogant, or sacrificing yourself for being generous and caring. They are not the same thing.

Owning your accomplishments doesn’t make you a egotist any more than minimising your accomplishments or deflecting a sincere compliment makes you truly humble.

Be honest. Celebrate your own accomplishments as much as you would celebrate another’s.

Remove ‘sorry’ from your vocabulary unless you have something to really apologize for.

Don’t be afraid of your ego – after all, all humans have one – but don’t let it run the show behind false pretenses and masks either.

If you want to change the power structures and dynamics that currently shape our world, you need to reshape your own simultaneously.

All it takes is some courage and support and start with a vaccine sized shot of the energy you’re trying to avoid.

The impact, effectiveness and power to influence change you can have from an inner position of avoidance is nothing to the impact and effectiveness you will have from your creative self.