Haunted by a Toxic Boss - Chinn Up! - May 2, 2024

Ever feel like you're running in place, putting in the effort but never quite reaching your goals? That dream promotion or fulfilling career change can seem frustratingly out of reach.

This feeling is more common than you might think. Many professionals face challenges that leave them feeling stuck. But fear not, there's a path forward!

Welcome to Chinn Up!, your one-stop shop for actionable career advice. Here, we'll tackle the roadblocks that hold you back – from navigating the ever-changing job market to conquering tricky workplace dynamics.

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This week, I'm helping someone who is haunted by a toxic boss even after she's joined a new company:

Dear Brett,

I recently changed jobs due to a toxic manager and I'm having trouble shaking off the way she made me feel. I loved this job but I just couldn't keep working for this woman. She was volatile and I never knew when her mood was going to flip on a dime. It became extremely exhausting to be around, to the point where I would physically flinch every time I saw her name in my inbox.

Instead of critiquing my work in private, she would wait until we were in a larger meeting to criticize me and loudly point out what I did or said wrong - even little things like typos in internal emails. It was like she was trying to embarrass me in front of my peers and other managers, and it made me feel like sh*t. She'd also twist my words and would randomly explode if I disagreed with her.

Because of this, I became much more reserved at work and stopped myself from speaking up or contributing ideas in meetings. I stopped communicating with her beyond necessary work conversations. I even got quieter with my coworkers and found myself feeling isolated and a lot less confident than ever before.

Well, she took my quietness as being disrespectful. She came at me and didn’t allow for an open discussion. She just hurled accusations at me and critiqued my work style. She said that “multiple” coworkers had alleged I was unfriendly or aloof.

This was also the first time I was hearing any of this. After working there for two years, to be spoken to that way felt terrible. I froze in the moment but cried afterward because I felt like a failure and a bad person. Even if there was any truth to what she was saying, the way she went about addressing it was unbelievably unprofessional and aggressive.

Long story short, after months of questioning my character, skills, and generally feeling like crap, I decided to find a new job. Luckily, I was able to secure something fantastic with a new boss who is so far extremely supportive, respectful, and professional.

However, I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells, like at any moment I could get yelled at, and I'm worried this will affect my current performance. I still can't bring myself to raise new ideas or even be fully "me" in this new environment because I'm constantly in fight or flight mode. Please help me move on so I can thrive in my new job!

- A.B.

Dear A.B.,

First of all, I want to say how sorry I am that you went through this truly awful experience with your previous manager. Workplace PTSD is a real thing and can leave scars, so it's completely understandable that you're still feeling the aftershocks. It's a lot like leaving an abusive relationship - the guilt and shame can hang around for long after you've physically walked away. We all deserve to feel accepted and safe in our workplace.

On a more positive note, I'm proud of you for taking care of your mental health and removing yourself from that situation. You’ve made a brave decision. Now it's time to reclaim your confidence and truly move on from the past. Here are some tips for how to heal and be successful in your new role:

• Start a Brag Book: This is one technique I assign to every coaching client! Instead of being on guard for potential slights or criticisms, take a moment and savor every win, no matter how small or fleeting. At least once a day, write down at least three positive events each day and reflect on why they happened. Bonus: if and when you fall back into negative self-talk, this Brag Book can serve as an excellent reminder for all you've accomplished!
• Spiral Up: When we've endured anxiety, disappointment, or trauma, it's very easy for our minds to latch on to the worst possible outcome and spiral down in any situation. Instead, try "spiraling up": each morning, set yourself up for success by imagining in detail all of the positive things that could happen. This is a wonderful way to start your day on an optimistic note, and can also help reprogram your subconscious belief system, leading you to create more positive moments.
• Get Closure: No, I'm not suggesting that you ring up your former boss and let her have a piece of your mind. But, to transition away from someone or something who wronged us, our brains need something called cognitive closure. Try writing a letter to your former boss letting her know how she hurt you and saying goodbye - and, if you can, offer forgiveness. (Do not send this letter - I suggest either tearing it up or safely burning it!) You may also want to write a letter to yourself acknowledging the pain that you've endured and giving yourself permission to release the toxicity from your current identity. This can be a powerful form of grieving that will serve as part of your healing journey

In addition, consider seeking support in the form of a therapist (or coach) who can provide tools and techniques to help you manage fear and build confidence.

Finally, A.B., be kind to yourself. Recovering from a toxic boss takes time, and adjusting to a new job is already stressful, so practice patience and self-compassion. By acknowledging the impact, focusing on the positive, using strategies to rebuild confidence, and seeking support, you can overcome these lingering anxieties and truly thrive in your new job.

Want me to answer your question in a future edition? Drop your conundrum in the comments, send it to me via DM, or email me ([email protected] ). Interested in my 1:1 coaching services? Book a (free) intro call here .