Hate Whisperer

“There are no facts, only interpretations” - Friedrich Nietzsche

There was once an arrogant learned scholar, who had to cross a river. He hailed a boat and asked the boat rider to take him across the water. The boat rider slowly took his oars out and after settling the scholar in, started to quietly steer the boat. After a few minutes of silence, the scholar got bored looking at the river, and wanted to start a conversation. He looked at the quiet boat rider and asked him, “Have you studied any kind of sciences in your life?”

The middle-aged boat rider shook his head in negation. “What? You had all this time and you never even picked up a single book. You have wasted your life”.

The boat rider kept silent and continued to move ahead. Out of nowhere, a storm suddenly came up and rough waves started hitting the boat within minutes. The scholar, frightened, held onto the boat.

The boat rider tried his best to reach the shore, but the waves kept pulling the boat back. Finally, a huge wave hit the boat and it capsized, throwing both men into the water. The scholar held onto a floating piece of wood with his dear life. The boat rider swam to him and said, “All those books you read and you don’t even know how to swim? Sir, you have wasted your life”.

One person’s insanity is another person’s reality. Be careful before you judge.

 Judging others. It is like an insidious disease that helps make some sense of our surroundings. Think about it. Having opinions about others or placing them in a box, helps keep it easy for us. Forget the impact it has on the one being judged. It took me some time to gather my thoughts on this. Why? Because we are all victims or perpetrators of the same thing. Face it. We all have in someway been judged or judged others. It takes effort to look at the person in the mirror and start to recalibrate wrong habits to become better ones.

Think about this.

Interesting research was done recently by psychologists about how we judge others. They found that we can tend to overestimate personality and underestimate situations when perceiving others whom we do not know well. But if it’s a close family member that we like, things turn out different and we are more lenient in our judgment. Think if your friend called in sick for a dinner date. You would be more forgiving than a stranger who ditched you at the last moment. So our judgement is flawed from the start anyway.

Even when we judge others, it has more to say about ourselves than the person we are judging. Certain factors play into what kind of box you put a person in.

-      Inner flaw based consideration - Your judgment is based on what you see lacking within you. So if you feel you are not thin enough, you will focus on that element in others, and look pass other qualities they may have.

-      Fear deflection - You will see others through a reflection of your own fears. So if you fear criticism, even the slightest provocation by others will make you brand them as wrong, even if they might be right.

-      Reflection of own thoughts - Sometimes you see someone as nice, and the minute you start getting to know him, you see a different person. Why does this happen? It’s called perception error, where our thoughts mingle with our sense of reality.

There are other reasons as well, but these stood out for me. The simple truth is this. When we cannot read someone, we find it as our God-given right to brand him and “create a story” around him. If someone is different from our perception of reality, we deem him as strange, depressed, and stuck up, and the list goes on and on. This may be miles away from his real personality. It is only based on the reality we see in our limited minds.

And if that is not enough, we involve others to join in on the branding. So slowly, others take your perception as reality. When will this vicious cycle ever stop? Who said that your perception of reality is the Truth? How do you know the circumstances that made the person seem “abnormal” in the first place?

I think one of the biggest betrayals in life is being misunderstood not by the ones you do not know, but by the ones who are close to you. It is a pain you carry on throughout your life. If you are nodding, then know that you are not alone, because I have been there too. It is a dark place you do not want to be frequenting.

For the saintly judgers and truth slayers, a word of advice. Be mindful and know that it only takes a moment for the tables to turn. You could be in the same spot as the ones you are judging.

But this time, my focus is more on the ones being put in a corner and made to wear a “wolf hide” when they are just mere “sheep”. How do you deal with being judged wrongly?

·       The Why Therapy

The judgers or as I call them “hate whisperers” see through the lens of their own insecurity. If you feel you are being branded with qualities you are not, take a step back and ask yourself, “why?” Why and what would be their motive? Usually, people who are threatened stoop this low. Before gorging out your emotions and feeling sorry for yourself, why not give yourself the benefit. The higher you rise, the more judgers pop out of nowhere. Keep shining and working your best. The hate brigade will eventually fade or you will find your own team of supporters.

·       Remove the Fear Paradox

You must ask yourself something truthfully. Are you judging yourself too harshly? What is your fear of judgment from others? Do you really think they are judging you or is it made bigger than it because of your own thoughts? The paradox here is that when you fear being judged based on your own thinking of what is acceptable and not, strangely you are judging the other person and yourself.

-      As a reflection of your own fears, you assume you have done something that has caused the negative reaction.

-      You also project your own thoughts to assume that the person will feel the same way about your actions and judge you.

Both these thoughts are not right for you, as you try and hold yourself accountable for saying something or the dreaded replay of the scene as it “should have” been done. People judge and maybe we over analyze their words. Let it go. Breathe. Do not let it control your life.

·       Overreaction from the Past

Ever noticed some words, jokes or actions take out more anger or reactions from someone than you would have? We do not know what experiences people have had in the past. But it plays a role in how they react. Let them act in a limited way. They will not go far. But it might feel good to know, that you can stop over analyzing your own words and actions. Relay that energy onto the ones who do accept you are you are. Even if it is a single person, rejoice that there is one.

·       Cut the Perfection Rant

A normal reaction to being judged is to try to edit our behavior so it is seen as “normal” by the hate brigade. Let me tell you one thing. That perfection does not exist and never will. For the minute you change one thing, they will find another flaw in you and the cycle will continue. Take a step back and do not forget who you are and what you stand for.

·       Leave To Thrive

I am a big fan of laying out boundaries, and I think it lays out the “hunting ground” perfectly. If people are going to judge anyway, why not let them in on what is acceptable and not. If you are still being exposed to a destructive and negative environment, you have every right to make the right decisions so you thrive as the individual you are. Sometimes it is tough when it is coming from people close to you or your superiors at work, but there are tactful ways of letting the other party know they have crossed the line. Or simply move on. You have to be wary of toxic environments. They have nothing productive to contribute in your life. Take your peace seriously.

Whatever is the case, the pain of being judged incorrectly is not one that goes away quickly. Growing a thick skin, minimizing interactions or simply moving on are some ideas, but eventually you find out that people will judge no matter what. What you owe to yourself is to stay integral to your work, character and deeds. That is what really holds meaning in the end.

As for those who continue to keep judging others and create fake realities, know that you are not perfect and do not have the license to brand someone. No one ever gave that to you in writing. The world is round and what goes around, does eventually come back around. Do not say you were never warned. Do not think you have figured it all out. For you merely just talk. And fill time with empty words.

I came across a deep poem ‘People Will Talk’ by Mary Harris, that pretty much explains what I am trying to get at.

You may get through the world, but ’twill be very slow,

If you listen to all that is said as you go;

You’ll be worried and fretted and kept in a stew,

For meddlesome tongues will have something to do;

For People Will Talk

If quiet and modest, you’ll have it presumed

That your humble position is only assumed;

You’re a wolf in sheep’s clothing, or else you’re a fool,

But don’t get excited, keep perfectly cool;

For People Will Talk

If generous and noble, they’ll vent out their spleen.

You’ll hear some loud hints that you’re selfish and mean.

If upright and honest and fair as the day,

They’ll call you a rogue in a sly, sneaking way!

For People Will Talk

If you dress in the fashion, don’t think to escape,

For they criticize then if a different shape;

You’re ahead of your means, or your tailor’s unpaid

But mind your own business, don’t mind what is said;

For People Will Talk

Now, the best way to do is to do as you please,

For your mind, if you have one, will then be at ease.

Of course you will meet with all sorts of abuse,

But don’t think to stop it, it is of no use,

For People Will Talk

Having opinions about others is human. We cannot run away from that. But when you voice it out, shows that you lack integrity and class. Think before you speak. It has far-reaching effects. Counting other people’s sins has never made one a saint.

As for the ones judged wrongly and are beating themselves up for not getting ‘fixed’ no matter how hard they try, stop before you do you more harm to yourself. Maybe the fact that you cannot change is because there was nothing wrong in the first place.

Do not stay limited in the cage others have made for you. Break free. You have a beautiful purpose, which can only be fulfilled by you. Not the changed you. Be true to yourself. No one deserves for you to change who you are.

For me, judging others is the world’s most unpaid job, but one that has people standing in line to work overtime for free. But there is a day when you will be entitled to the payment. When you ask?

 The day you, yourself will be perfect and without flaws!

Such a day will never come my friends. Wake up from this dream and focus your beautiful energies on fixing yourself, than basking in your insecurities. Life has so much more to offer. But if only you could stop looking and start seeing. Start to find perfection in others flaws, mistakes and errors. They are discovering life, just like you. Guide them and move onto greater matters. There is so much progress at stake. It all starts with the first person who has an opinion but keeps it to himself.

Smile your brightest smile. Like everything else in life, this too shall pass. And so will the Hate Whisperer.