Has Your New Parent Friend Gone Missing?
Cory Jenks
I Break Conventions: Pharmacist who gets people off meds| Applying comedy to healthcare| Working Less, Dadding More| I write books about all that
?
I can’t pretend the time I was in high school were my greatest years. It certainly wasn’t my peak, like many who keep reliving their “glory days” Uncle Rico Style:
?
?
But even though I didn’t have self-confidence, social skills, or an insane amount of athletic ability, one thing that I had going for me in high school was a healthy combination of free time and lack of responsibility. As such, I spent countless hours with my best friend riding bikes, playing ping pong in his garage, playing NFL Blitz on the Nintendo 64, and going to baseball card shows. When we went our separate ways in college, the time and distance cut out a lot of that time we spent hanging out, but winter breaks were full of similar shenanigans.
?
Even post-graduation, we had no wife, kids (I’ll get to that in a moment), or big responsibilities beyond our jobs. I could just call him on the phone, he’d pick up, and we’d chat or hang out. Simpler times, indeed.
?
Then I went and procreated. Suddenly my time was not my own, and the time to spend with him was cut down. But he and his wife still hung out with my wife, kid(s) and I regularly.
?
Then HE had a kid.
?
All of a sudden, calls went to voicemail, texts went unanswered, and months would pass before our schedules could sync up enough to spend time together.
?
Typically, if your friend started “ignoring” you, it could make you pretty pissed, right? I mean, what a jerk! Years of friendship and he can’t even pick up the phone?! What gives?!
?
I’ll tell you what gives, or rather, takes: a kid.
?
They take your time.
?
They take your money.
?
They take your social freedom.
?
领英推荐
And yes, they give you a lot too: love, a deeper purpose, blah blah blah.
?
But they TAKE so much from you, especially your non-family relationships. At least if you are doing it right.
?
So, if you have a friend with a new kid, and they just seem to have gone missing, there is no need to send a search party, and there is no need to end your friendship. The absence is to be expected. Their life is fully consumed with raising a kid.
?
And this is how I have approached my friendships with new dads (and moms!): giving grace for the hard work and focus they are putting in while acknowledging their time is now crunched. Friendships get put on the backburner, along with many other things that used to be priorities, like hobbies, health, and the strong desire to stay late at work.
?
It can be easy to get upset or frustrated with these new parents, but I urge you not to. It’s not their fault. Ok, well, we know how babies are made, so it is kinda their fault. But it’s still not a reason to get upset. What can you do? Hey, what would this post be if I didn’t offer at least some advice:
?
-Send a text and end it with “No need to reply, I’m sure you’re busy, just wanted to check in” If you are a parent yourself, you can add a “I’ve been there, hang in there!” too.
?
-Offer to schedule far out in the future. Their time is crunched, so planning things is how social activities can happen once you are a parent.
?
-Expect these plans to get cancelled as kids, if you can believe it, are unpredictable.
?
-Pick a kid friendly-ish place to meet: this could be their house, a park, or going for a walk with that kid in a stroller. Work around that kid’s nap/snack time.
?
-Send a gift card for their favorite food delivery service. Being a good friend right now doesn’t mean getting selfish about how you don’t hang out like you used to, it means supporting them through a busy ass time in their life.
?
Because at some point, it will get easier-at least that’s what parents of older kids tell me when I explain the life we live with 3 kids 6 and under. Unless they are lying to make me feel better. In which case, please keep lying, it feels good to have a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it’s fake.
?
Back in the day, being a good friend for us meant bringing a new CD mix to listen to while we played ping pong, buying the other guy a burrito from Nico’s, or finding a sweet deal on an Albert Pujols rookie card on eBay. But those days are gone. Being a good friend as an adult, and parent, means something different. It’s not bad, but we can’t pretend things are the same. And they shouldn’t be. But having grace and patience will go a long way in supporting your newly MIA friend. Because someday, they will escape the clutches of new parenthood (or so I’m told), and they’ll remember how you supported them…or didn’t.
?
?---------------------------------------------------------------------------
?
Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this perspective on fatherhood, then you’ll love my new book, “I Guess I’m a Dad Now: A Humorous Handbook for Newish Dads Who Don’t Want to Suck”! I have some great pre order bonuses you can snag, and since you are a loyal reader, if you put in the email to me that you read my newsletter, I’ll give you the bonuses for ordering 5 books even if you only order 1-AND even though it’s past the pre order window! Pick it up for you, or a dad you know in your life!