Frightened Teachers, Frightened Parents, Fearless Children

Doesn’t the whole world seem upside-down nowadays? Most of us have seen enormous changes in the world of education. Don’t get me wrong; there have been many positive innovations and the extent to which information is now available is incomparable with education of yesterday.

However, looking a little deeper into changes in trends, a very strange, if not shocking U turn has, in my opinion, taken place; at first, quite subtly, but for those of us who were brought up in the 60s, that subtlety is now crashing down upon us all like a huge wave.

Back then, the teacher was king/queen. You rarely, if ever, questioned the teacher; you would quiver a little before going to parents’ evenings and you certainly would never write letters to them demanding to know ‘why Danny was not allowed to…’ or that you ‘disagree that Danny should come for a detention’ and so on. In fact, people would have looked at you as if you had gone mad should you even have suggested doing this.

Parents, too, ruled the roost. Expectations of children were high; tolerance of unacceptable behaviour or language was low (See my post entitled ‘The Dress’: https://www.dhirubhai.net/posts/leonbernstein_teachers-parenting-activity-6820224328496369664-2kRC )

Children looked up to, respected and even feared their parents. Ok, if not feared, then at least were in awe of them. When a child asked if s/he could go out on her/his bike (yes, asked the parent!), if the answer was “No,” then the answer was “No”. You could expect: “Aw, that’s not fair,” or something along those lines, but to turn around to a parent, openly defy them, curse them and go out anyway was something you would usually only hear of if there were some sort of medical condition affecting the child.

Parents were generally in control; children generally did what the parents said/asked. If the child misbehaved and as a punishment s/he was not allowed to: go to a party, watch TV, see their friends for a day etc. that’s what happened. What anyone really have ever told the parent to “Go take a running jump”, or walked out of the house anyway, or smashed the house up?!”

No, I’m not making this up. These are all true accounts parents have told me about, and the numbers of parents who have asked for parenting workshops, group help or individual advice have soared over the last fifteen years.?

FRIGHTENED TEACHERS

True, there are many cases where what we used to call ‘the norm’ are still the status quo. However, having been a teacher, Deputy Head, Head/Principal and involved in education over the last forty years, it appears that in a growing number of cases what we used to call the status quo has been reversed, hence the title of this post. This is based on the fact that nowadays many teachers live in fear of parental involvement. They feel the law is against them and that parents’ rights have overtaken their professional judgements. They can be called into the Head’s office for telling off a child, putting him/her into detention, or even holding a five-year-old’s hand too tightly when showing them to their seat, all true accounts of what happens in schools.

You may have seen this interesting cartoon, comparing parents’ evening in the 20th and 21st centuries:

So, we have a situation where many teachers are frightened of the parents and this can, in some cases, blur their professional decisions on what is best for the child.

FRIGHTENED PARENTS

We also have a situation where many parents nowadays feel that their role is to make their children happy. Is that really our goal? Isn’t our aim to ensure that our children are healthy, in body, mind and soul? Of course, everyone wants their children to be happy, but that cannot be the ultimate goal, otherwise this leads to handing over bags of sweets if the child wants them, in spite of ruining their teeth. It means spending out on the latest gadgets, technology and fads, even though many parents struggle to make ends meet, because this will make their children happy, albeit temporarily. It means that when young Jessica continually interrupts her father, say at a Shabbos table when he’s speaking, father and mother wouldn’t dream of correcting her/telling her off, because, well, this might embarrass her and make her unhappy.

No, no, let’s not get on the bandwagon and scream the ‘self-esteem’ trump card. I’m not talking about constantly embarrassing children, belittling them or terrifying them, of course I’m not. I’m just trying to redress the balance to ensure children know that there are absolutes: there is right and wrong; appropriate and inappropriate; acceptable and unacceptable.

So, we have a situation where many parents are frightened of upsetting their children, or even the repercussions they may suffer if things don’t go the way their children want.

FEARLESS CHILDREN

And finally, we come to the children. For centuries they were at the end of the ‘education/discipline’ chain: the teachers would approach the parents, the parents would then approach the children and the children were worried about repercussions. The children would be concerned about what their teachers would say to their parents and then what their parents would say/do as a result.

While this might not represent a utopia – after all, who wants children to be concerned or scared of what their teachers/parents might say/do – wasn’t there a sort of security about this? Didn’t a child know exactly where to draw the line as a result of responsible adults guiding them in a complex world?

If there are little, or no, repercussions for a person, particularly a child, they are likely to defy authority and end up in a quagmire of blurred rules and expectations, resulting in insecurity and lack of trust. If adults relinquish their parental responsibilities in order ‘not to come down heavily’ on a child, or for fear that the child will reject them, then this can lead to a reversal of roles, such as that seen by the picture below:

Interestingly, when parents approach me about their family dynamics, I sometimes show them this picture, and the reaction is revealing:

“Oh my gosh,” says the father, “that’s ME!”

When I ask parents how it feels to be in that position, they unanimously respond that they hate it, and it makes them feel insecure.

Now, what is fascinating is that when I show the child this picture, the give EXACTLY THE SAME REACTION! They say it makes them feel insecure and they hate feeling that they are dictating to the parent.

So, we have a situation where many children nowadays feel that they in fact are ‘in charge’ and that not only do they have nothing really to fear, but neither should they – after all, they are right and if a parent dares threaten them with… they can simply, as they do, pull out a signed document given to them by a school, and threaten to take that parent to court. No, I’m not making it up.

This is why I wrote the title: Frightened Teachers, Frightened Parents, Fearless Children. ?It is based on the premise on a situation which we see all often nowadays where the teachers are frightened of the parents; the parents are frightened of the children; and the children are frightened of no one.

This, among many other topics, is what parents want to discuss. Agree? Disagree? You’re all welcome to join me on WEDNESDAY 4 AUGUST 2021 at 9.30pm ISRAEL TIME, 7.30pm UK TIME, where we will be discussing a variety of parenting issues.

Send in your own questions/dilemma scenarios to: [email protected]

Register for this free workshop now by clicking on the following link: https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZUkcOCtpjkvH9JOWFA19bW-F9DADYvJgfc5

?

?

?

?

?