THERE HAS TO BE ANOTHER WAY AND MY EXPEREIENCE WATCHING SOMEONE LIVE AND DIE.

I am writing this short article shortly after the funeral of my Mother who was 98 years of age.

The reason for this is to share my experience of someone who didn’t want to carry on living, wanted to die but wasn’t able to.

My Mother had a Christian faith and prayed every day to die for at least seven years that I am aware of and sadly her wishes were not answered.

?Mum had numerous health issues throughout her life but in the later years, had dementia, Alzheimer’s, type 2 diabetes, arthritis throughout her body, double incontinence, impaired vision and hearing to name a few.

Not immediately life threatening but impacted on life’s enjoyment and the crafts she used to love to do.

Apart from the loss of her health, she lost her beloved home, possessions, surroundings, neighbours, access to her church, autonomy, ability, options, decisions, choices, control over her finances, Independence, dignity.

Whilst Mum was treated for “Depression” what she really wanted wasn’t and currently isn’t available in the U.K and that was “not to be here”

?I used to visit Mum several times a week in the Care home that was so wonderful to her, myself and family for nearly Five years.

Mum was grateful for the care she received but on the other hand didn’t want to be there, Sadly there was no other option and certainly not the one Mum longed for.

?Four months before Mum died she was put on “end of life care” and remained in bed for this time. She was in discomfort with her neck, legs, back and was constantly anxious about “messing” herself.

I visited every day to try and give her some reassurance and settle her anxieties the best way I could and knew how to.

I would ask Mum what I could do to make her bed more comfortable, would you like a drink? Would you like the T.V on? Some music maybe? I would try and get her to talk about her youth,? I would talk to her about family and current affairs, I would ask her if there was anything she needed or wanted and the reply was always the same, “you know what I want Kevin” “and I really appreciate what you are wanting Mum and I sincerely hope it happens for you soon” would be my response whilst doing my best to comfort her the best way I knew how to.

I won’t lie, there were numerous occasions I contemplated putting a pillow gently over Mums’ mouth to stop her miserable existence, but never did.

?For me there has to be another way, not for everyone but I believe that whilst a person has mental capacity then they should have the right to make decisions that are right for themselves on how they live and die.

One of the basic needs we as humans strive for is empowerment, the right to be self-governing.

Old age and ill health quite often causes the opposite, disempowerment which can have a devastating impact on the individual.

At times family members, medical professionals, thinking they know what’s right, the limitations of the NHS, the pressure on the discharge system from hospital, and limits of the care system; all can contribute to disempowerment.

I haven’t written here about the experiences leading up to Mum going into a Care home. The uncertainties faced regarding her falls, the hospital, the unsavoury experiences with individuals within the discharge team, dealings with social services, the finances involved, visiting other care homes to name a few and maybe I will write about these in the future.

?For me there has to be another way, not for everyone but I believe that whilst a person has mental capacity then they should have the right to make decisions that are right for themselves on how they live and die.