Harper Valley

Tom T Hall wrote many great country songs. But one of his songs bears a unique distinction. “Harper Valley PTA,” written in 1968, was, and probably still is, the only song to become a USA nationwide hit, within 24 hours of being penned. The song’s international fame was quick to follow.

It depicts the people of a small American town as outrageous hypocrites. I am sorry to admit that all those folks pretending to be Christians are, indeed, despicable hypocrites. Hypocrisy poisons their relations with others, both locally and around the world.

As a Doctor of (Christian) Divinity, I can explain to you their problem. Bear with me as I impart to you the necessary background information.

All of us have extreme mixed emotions for the same universal components of the godhead (God and Devil). These are four groups and one individual: (1) the prehistoric alpha males [primal fathers] of the hordes in which our ancestors lived when they lived as do guerillas, (2) the [ongoing but #1-associated] same-sex parent, (3) our [prehistoric] Homo erectus parent species, (4) our ongoing, same-sex, genetic competitors [who closely associate with #3], and (5) the derivative component of the godhead, the Species War victors [who, over a 35-40 thousand year prehistory, globally and systematically exterminated our parent species, burned their less-edible remains in bonfires, and contracted the same strong mixed emotions felt toward their victims in inverse proportion].

Jesus is the son/killer or would-be killer of the original 4 components of the godhead. He is also #5, the derivative component, in its entirety.

All those fake Christians, those outrageous hypocrites, think that they are superior to everyone else because they’ve been easily saved from burning in Hell’s fires (fires like those to which Homo erectus was consigned). The only thing they had to do to be saved was help the original 4, angry components of the godhead, all of them fathers of sorts, achieve revenge by participating in the sacrifice (killing and eating) of Jesus. They’ve done this. They’ve drunk Jesus’ blood and eaten his body, at communion.

Their problem is that they only do this, they only receive communion, once per year!

We of the Daily Communion Church eat Jesus every day! This is what makes our parishioners superior to all others, entitles them to different standards, pardons them from all sins, and saves them from eternal damnation.

I wish to thank the Peace Love and Progress Party for providing me this opportunity to throw you all who are drowning in sin this life preserver, this invitation to Heaven and eternal life. You are cordially invited to attend the Daily Communion Church in Dothan, Alabama. (Reserved seating as low as $100/person/month.)

Sincerely,

The Right Reverend Jonathan Goodfellow

Daily Communion Church Founder and Pastor

November 30, 2023