Hares, frogs and tortoises: Which lane are you in?

This is a newsletter of articles about being highly sensitive in different contexts. Every month I'll write:

• One context-based article (e.g. being HSP at work, being an HSC, being an HSP parent)
• One contemplative article, on a topic or theme highly relevant to being HSP. These are intended to help foster deeper understanding of the trait, but also to see if the way HSPs 'are' can help us all explore a variety of topics and gain deeper insight into them.

For our first contemplative article, let's try exploring our pace of life...

Scream if you want to go faster / easier / slower...

In terms of your own pace of life, how you really like living? Do you think of yourself as a tortoise, a hare, or a frog? Or something else?

Hares: they love to race through life, seeing only what is straight ahead, hardly noticing where they are or what they are racing past. They feel a strong sense of excitement about the sheer speed of their adventure, and they enjoy the feel of moving forwards, fast, faster, fastest. They get to the finish line first, but feeling much more exhausted than the frogs or tortoises. Other creatures find it hard to match the hare's pace and might choose to hang back to let them get on with it, or they might feel chronically 'less than' as they try to keep up but find they can only ever travel differently towards a similar goal. This often means that hares will only run in the company of other hares, so their experiences and reading of the wider world around them can become rather narrow. The pace of life in most of the world at the moment suits hares very nicely. Why would they want to change it?

Frogs: obstacles are no problem for this creature. They advance by leaping over anything which stops them advancing forward. They often 'skip' things (years of school, working to save up for something even if they don't have to, the 'slower track' to upper management). They are blessed with good fortune and a gift for strategy. They are the prodigies and wonders of the world and everyone is impressed by their skill and precociousness. They don't always travel in a straight line and find joy in skipping over bumps, gullies and puddles, meaning they usually reach the finish line relatively unscathed by events which can (deeply) affect other creatures travelling the same path. They notice things in their current space, but usually as a means to an end, thinking "How can I use this thing/person/event to get myself further on?" They rush in fits and starts, sitting still only to eat a fly, or when there is a need to think quickly about an obstacle to overcome. As frogs struggle to notice their wider surroundings, they sometimes get eaten by predators they did not see coming, on their way to the finish line. The best thing for a frog is to make friends with a hare and team up to get to the finish line quickly, without being consumed by something unexpected or difficult to negotiate. The strategic nature of the world suits the frog very well, until the thing/creature they did not anticipate rocks up.

Tortoises: amble through life deliberately and unobtrusively. Their slow pace allows them to pick up on details and sensations around them. They are grounded and cautious. They grow slowly and live a long time, giving them plenty of time to accomplish things. If someone pushes them to go faster, they are more likely to tip over and get stuck than actually speed up. They are fully armored against attack, sometimes too well, because their sensitive 'retreat mechanism' can keep them trapped inside their own shell. They are the creature most likely to stop for regular rests. They are also the most likely to take time to interact with other creatures along the way, and to contemplate details on their journey. They know they will never match the speed of a hare, or the fortunes of a frog, although they actually do share many of those other creatures' advantages (imagination with the frog, and focus with the hare, for example), and they will definitely be last to the finish line. When they get there, they may have felt and noticed so much that they are exhausted by it all and are fully prepared for the ultimate rest. Or, they may have enjoyed the sensations, emotions and experiences so deeply, that they are ready for another lap.

Of course, these are all caricatures. People and animals (and I see them equally here) can't be divided neatly into categories like this. But, when we look at our life as a journey or path (bear with me, this isn't all incense and chanting), the way we choose to travel along it - the pace we set for ourselves, what we take in or notice along the way, how we deal with obstacles on the path, who we choose to bypass or run alongside, how/if we choose to stop or pause, and what we see as being our 'end point' - is significant.

HSPs, competitive parenting, and the big lane switch

HSPs may identify more strongly with the tortoise's journey, but that doesn't mean there are no HSP hares or frogs. Maybe the hares and frogs have simply been fed into their lane early on in their lives without being given the opportunity to pick their own. And once you see 'good things' happening to you in your lane (you're top of the class, you're student president, you're the youngest influencer/activist/pop idol ever, you're CEO of your own company by the age of 12), why would you switch?

I will give one example of this which has been preoccupying me lately: the trend of competitive parenting.

Although all parents (with a few exceptions - sorry, but there are always exceptions) want their children to be themselves in the best possible way for them, some parents think this is best achieved by funnelling their children into the fast lane, as quickly as possible. The Psychology Today article below ('How to Resist Competitive Parenting') gives an excellent overview of this phenomenon, as well as sound tips on how to deal with it if you are a parent not wanting to jump on the bandwagon (I hope you are!). Red flags would include snow ploughing your child, to make sure all possible obstacles and adverse situations are removed from their path. They would also include campaigning your child's teacher to treat your child differently to others by advancing them in some way - this might be based on (usually exam results) evidence, but it is still asking for your child to be preferred over others. (This is not the same as advocating for your neurodivergent, bullied, or otherwise suffering child by the way, because that is very important and still underplayed in many contexts.) More darkly, competitive parenting could manifest in parenting your child critically, eventually leading to them losing their sense of self and struggling with interpersonal relationships (amongst other issues) - see the article, 'How Critical Parenting can Affect Adult Relationships', below.

HSCs would be particularly stressed out by having a competitive parents, because they don't dig hurrying. The resource below, from Simple, Slow & Lovely shows how HSPs benefit from a more tortoise-y lifestyle and upbringing, especially point 6., entitled 'you will feel more like yourself'.

For HSCs (highly sensitive children) to thrive, and probably for all of us to thrive, we should become more vocally critical about buying in to the competitive parenting culture. Schools and teachers, you have a crucial role to play here. If your culture is to place results and performance above self-development and learning, you are making your school vulnerable to, and possible already letting it be driven by, a culture of competition. I've seen this happen in all types of school - from the least 'advantaged' to the most. A competitive culture supports and legitimises parents who want to push their tortoises (or sloths, snails, whales or loris') into lanes more suited to true hares or frogs. If you knew this culture would result in lessening true achievement and success in the long-term futures of your students, would you still argue that it is wholly positive?

Race to the finish

And what is that 'finish line', actually? Recognition? Achievement? Success? Fame? Respect? Love? Contentment? Retirement? Death? If the starting line is when we're born, then the finish line is the natural end of that process: death.

Ask yourself honestly: Do I really want to hurtle towards death (like a hare or frog), and get there having not noticed, learned or developed anything properly? Do I really want to push others towards that state more quickly? Maybe it is possible to reach the end point quickly and meet it feeling satisfied, prepared and accepting. Or would it be better to slow down and reach the end point knowing that you made the most (or tried to make the most) of everything, everyone, every experience?

And what other caricatures can you think of to describe alternative pacing for our lives right now? Perhaps a snake, monkey, or butterfly? How would those creatures travel and what could we learn from their paths?

To explore your own pace of living more deeply, check these out:

For a reason to slow down, and a way to bring more slowness into your life by visiting museums and actually taking things in, try Claire Bown's excellent podcast, especially this episode with Carl Honore (the author of In Praise of Slow):

And this episode on Slow Looking - so simple, so effective (and affecting):

For ways to avoid becoming a competitive parent, read these articles:

And for an explanation of why critical parenting is so damaging:

To see if you were critically parented yourself...:

Please let me know your thoughts on this...