Hard Time with Hard Talks? Start Here.

How often do we think about the affect we are having on those around us? Unlike a first impression or the perception of people we don’t know, the impact we have on those we care about most carries massive weight. Our relationships and connections are one of the most rewarding experiences we cultivate during our time on earth. So how we communicate in those relationships is incredibly important.

In our culture, we are not shown or taught how to truly manage the peaks and valleys of our relationships though these are inevitable. It’s expected we’ll know or figure out how to handle relationship challenges. And we certainly figure it out through trial and error, which inevitably means some pain. Think back on a time you needed to have a hard conversation. What happened?

In an experience initiating a hard conversation with a friend I cared about, surrounding some really sensitive material, things went entirely haywire. And as I reflected on my delivery, I recognized there were a few things I wish I’d done differently.

Now, first and foremost I will say that what I shared with this person was my personal truth. I tried my best to hold accountability, making the situation about me instead of them. I am incredibly proud of myself for choosing to set a boundary in this relationship over resenting this person or betraying myself later. For me, nothing is worse than self-betrayal.

You are most powerful when you’re in whatever your truth is, taking a stand for yourself. This place of personal power can be like a north star for you. From here you’ll be able to tune into what your intuition says and make decisions that are right for you. It’s also a difficult place to live from sometimes; it means you won’t make everyone happy. You will piss people off. And many times, you’ll feel misunderstood.

But you’ll also stay aligned to who you are. So, when you know for sure it’s time for you to be true to yourself, do it. Do it every single time.

Ultimately, all of our words have weight and our intention in our words does not always equate to our impact. In my situation, my belief was that the more honest and open I was, the less likely I was to cause pain. The truth will set you free, right? Yeah, emphasis is on you not everyone else. Our truths do set us free; admitting who we are and what does/doesn’t work for us in a safe and private space is liberating. But showing people how the sausage gets made can really hurt them, especially if they are involved.

So how do we align our intentions with the impact we have when it comes time to have hard conversations? Before you say a word, write it out.

What is your intention for this important or difficult or awkward conversation? In other words, what will make you know that what and how you’ve shared is aligned with who you are and how you treat people who matter? Here’s a quick framework to try:

1. I want to share…

2. It’s important I share this because…

3. My whole truth about what I’m sharing is…

a. Go nuts here, get it all out. This is the stuff no one see.

b. Now, consider anything that can be omitted to keep from hurting the other person, such as a judgement or something they cannot change

4. In order to share X thoughtfully, I will mention these points…and avoid these points…

5. It’s possible when I share, (person) could actually hear…

6. To do my best in caring for my feelings and theirs I’ll…

Another consideration when sharing something that may not be received well is to be mindful of your laundry list of “why’s”. Something that can often cripple us is our belief that saying “no” is bad or hurtful and therefore needs to be excused.

A “no” can be more powerful than a “yes” and yet we shy away from it. So instead, we come up with reason upon reason we can’t do something, hoping that will exonerate us. The reality is our reasons (point 3 above) can sound like excuses in certain instances. And yes, they can be completely valid reasons to us. But it doesn’t mean that’s how they’ll be received. When we get caught up over-explaining ourselves it can feel icky for both people.

Researcher and author Brené Brown has a simple and profound statement that in communication, “clear is kind, unclear is unkind”. 

What she means is the clearer and cleaner you are in your communications, the more love and respect you are giving to those around you. If you can’t shut your mouth after the “no”, you’re probably making things unclear. And might even share things that never needed to be said. Don’t muddy the water. Speak your truth and allow the conversation to naturally move from there. Your internal monologue is for you.

A note on the strength of relationships and other people’s journeys:

I personally don’t enjoy withholding information I know is important for the other person I’m in relationship to be aware of. What I love about my best relationships is that there is enough trust that I can be really vulnerable. At the right time for me, I can share something and trust they will be able to hold it. And vice versa.

I reference this because it’s important to recognize the differing strengths of a relationship. Not every relationship is in the place where it can withstand or support all of your vulnerability. You might be asking, “well then why be in it?” (I’ve been mulling this thought too). Because relationships grow and change! Rarely are you in a static place with someone if you’re putting effort into the relationship.

But if you are making the choice to be in a relationship that isn’t growing and isn’t giving you space to be your true and vulnerable, messy, weird self you’ll also want to assess how much of the above you do. How often do you really engage in a tough conversation when you know the relationship may not be able to withstand it?

Second, broaching a hard conversation is already, well…hard enough. When we do it respectfully and empathetically, we assume and hope that the other person has enough empathy, care and love to respond in a way that leads to more dialogue or supports your intention (even if they don’t agree). But not everyone will react this way. It could certainly be because they’re hurt (hard conversations can be incredibly painful). And, not every person is at that point on their journey where they recognize the power of actually putting themselves in other people shoes. It’s an active practice for any of us to hear something, process it and mindfully choose our response rather than have a knee jerk reaction.

When the latter happens, and starting a hard conversation blows up in our face we have a tendency to look for where we went wrong. And that’s worth exploring, amends might be needed. But assuming you did everything you could to align your intent with your impact, recognize that person may be in a different place on their journey than you are. Try to find empathy, practice some self compassion and decide how you’ll approach or not approach a difficult conversation the next time.