Hard Stop: Back to School Guilt Tripping

Today my kids go back to school.??

There are two visuals on repeat in my mind.

Julie Andrews spinning and singing in the Alps (my feels; no photo - copyright protected), and the other is this.

A constant game of Tug of War or what I call - "How I Felt All Summer."

There is not a time of the year that I feel more off balance as a working parent than in the summer.

When I put my kids into full day camps and they come home smelling like a mix of sunscreen, bug spray and outside, I am excited that they got to experience such an amazing summer day with their friends. I’m equally thankful camps exist that allow them to be there all day so I can have? uninterrupted hours where I can focus to work.? It also comes with a nagging feeling telling me I’m missing out. They’re only 9 and 7 once. I should be with them more during their summer and experiencing the joy with them.

When I don’t put my kids into full camp days and they’re at home, I’m thankful that they get some unstructured time just being kids. Playing in the yard, making stuff in the garage, having friends over and having more of what I consider a 1980s summer. It means for me that I’m walking out from work meetings to a house in shambles, using the Mute button liberally and shutting off the camera while I yell downstairs to be quiet because I’m on a call, listening in to make sure the smoothies they are making didn’t wind up on the kitchen ceiling, monitoring their device time. They’re around but I don’t get the unfocused time devoted to my business that I know I need and I feel torn.

I get done what has to get done, of course. I’ll get up early, I’ll stay up late but the list of things that I want to test, the new initiatives I want to implement, I don’t always get to everything in the summer because I’m constantly feeling torn between spending that extra time in the office and going outside and throwing baseballs when I hear they are around.? Cats in the Cradle and all that. It resonates.

I feel guilty just writing this.

I feel guilty saying that going back to school is a relief for me as a working mom. I have friends dropping their kids off at college this year. I’m not wishing one day away. I’m thankful for the time that I have in the summer with them, even if I’m constantly feeling guilty for not giving 100% all the time in both areas of my life that mean so much to me.

Today, naturally, I get to let that guilt go. There’s nowhere else they can be or should be when school starts. I drop them off, get uninterrupted time, they come home and have some down time and I can work all day without the nagging feeling that I’m not taking enough advantage of them being home.?

But as I told my mentor yesterday in an email since I also was gifted with their end of summer colds? and had to cancel my meeting with him - next summer I have to go into it differently. I have to be kinder to myself. I have to take off some guilt about what I *should* be doing when I’m not doing the other thing. I have to appreciate that I am never going to feel like I have the time that I want in the summer; either with them or in my office. I’m always going to feel a bit of this tug of war and I just have to go in with a bit more acceptance and a lot more grace for myself.

Wishing all the parents on LI a happy back to school (their kids too), and if you’re anything like me – some guilt free time back in your schedule. How are you feeling this week? (or last or next week; BTS times are all over the place)