Hard questions outrank easy answers

Last week was my last one at LinkedIn, a company I've come to love.

Below is a part of my goodbye email. It contains some of the thoughts that have impacted me the most during my two years at LinkedIn.

Some of these questions really seem to hit home, as some of the reactions have genuinely moved me.

I invite you to make of it what you will — and would love to hear your thoughts on it, too.

You should start meditating, just improve by 1% today, start journaling, show gratitude, ask better questions, just wake up at 5 AM (what the actual fuck?), drink more matcha tea and less coffee, improve your admin, read this self-help book, listen to this podcast, try this, do that, …

Sounds familiar?

We’re all being spoon-fed by our teachers, in all their shapes and sizes. We crave their advice, hacks, habits, methodologies, prescriptions and beliefs... And we blindly absorb it.

We trust following their well-meant advice will bring us success or happiness — whatever those words mean.

When COVID kicked us in the proverbial balls however, it became very clear very quickly that no one actually knows what the hell they’re talking about either.

Good-looking sales professionals in general — like you and me — we often lead a stressful, anxious, envious and competitive life.

Have you ever wondered why though, or is it just part of the deal?

Although we all have our reasons, I tend to feel most anxious whenever I have the fear of missing a goal, of losing something like status, or of disappointing someone.

In order to deal with this kind of fear, we oftentimes find comfort in celebrating our short-term accomplishments, and we have ourselves another Hop House [beer].

We seek pleasure in modestly bragging about our achievements, we follow all the advice, and we keep feeding the ego monster. And tomorrow we get to do it all over again; we keep living the dream.

We trick our minds into believing we can achieve a sustained state of feeling good this way. We run away from the fears or we cover them up — but in doing so we increase them.

Ask yourself: When was the last time you acted out of fear?

When was the last time you did or didn’t do something because you wanted to hold on to a sense of security or belonging?

Every time I do things out of fear, of losing or not achieving something, my decision-making becomes impaired. I draw conclusions that aren’t entirely true. I start focussing on the short-term game. And I struggle at cultivating inner peace and joy.

To quote one of my favourite novels (Dune):

Fear is the mind-killer ~ Frank Herbert

So at one point I asked myself:

Is there a way to live without this fear fuelled by competitiveness, the need for external validation, and all of that other nonsense? 

Why is my approach to simply react to whatever is happening around me, instead of understanding what’s going on inside me first and foremost?

Rather than gradually and slowly working my way inwards, what if there’s a way to explode outwards? 

I noticed that by trying to provide answers to these questions, I only perpetuated the problem.

Instead, by seeing things for what they truly are, these so-called fears started to fade away. Without judgment, no right or wrong, there was nothing to overcome or deal with anymore.

Now, I’m not in any position to tell you what I think you should do, nor do I aspire to be. Instead I simply want to open up by writing down a few of the questions I often ask(ed) myself over the past years.

These questions have helped me regain inner peace at times when I was restless. They helped me move from a state of strained performance to a state of high performance.

I hope they may inspire or provoke you, in one way or another:

On the Self:

• Am I working to gain freedom to do something, or to gain freedom from something?
• Do I tie my sense of self-worth to things I can control?
• What do I gain from identifying with a certain job title, position, ideology, nationality, … ?
• Am I doing this for long-term happiness or short-term pleasure?
• Would I buy this if nobody was watching?
• Would I do this if my Mom was watching?
• Do we feed the ego to bypass insecurities?
• Is this my ego talking?
• Is pursuing tranquillity yet another goal that can cause anxiety?
• What value do I get from labelling things as good or bad? Right or wrong? Positive or negative?
• How often do I use the words should, need, always and never?
• How do I assess the quality of my own life?
• When am I most content?
• What’s the difference between joy, pleasure, happiness?
• Am I being optimistic or positive?
• Am I drinking to feel better, or to feel even better?
• Was that humbleness or fake modesty?
• Am I admitting my mistakes?
• Am I taking myself or my job too seriously?

On Relationships:

• Do I surround myself with people that are out to build short-term or long-term relationships with me?
• When and why do I desire external validation?
• How do I interpret negativity or criticism from others?
• Am I saying this to make the other person feel guilty?
• Am I making it all about them?
• Who did I help yesterday?
• Am I playing the multiplayer or single player game?
• How could I’ve been kinder in this situation?
• Am I bringing clarity and energy into the mix?
• Am I creating psychological safety for the people around me?
• Am I listening without intent or own agenda?
• Is this genuinely the most helpful question I can ask?
• Am I trying to make my parents proud by how much I earn or by how content I am?

On Reasoning:

•  Which of my base beliefs is the least solid?
• Which of my beliefs, if questioned, would disturb me the most?
• What ideas or opinions am I pre-decided upon?
• What could change my mind about this?
• Is this a fundamental truth?
• Did I borrow someone else’s conviction?
• Am I reasoning from first principles?

On Performance & Growth:

• Am I in the solution-selling business or in the problem-solving business?
• What is my definition of success today?
• What’s the smallest next step to get things going?
• Is this feeling healthy stress or anxiety?
• Do I see my colleagues as rivals, or as people I can learn from?
• Does someone else need to lose in order for me to win?
• How often have my goals and ambitions changed the past years?
• Why can some people with similar intelligence achieve more?
• Is success what happens when you reach a goal or cross a finish line?
• Am I focussed on the goal or the process?
• Is this first problem statement the real problem?
• Is this something I can’t do, or can’t yet do?
• Is this movement or progress?
• Is this giving or costing me energy?
• Do I need to finish a book in order to have read it?
• Can I read this again and more slowly?

There’s no hidden advice in these questions. You can try to quickly answer them, or you can investigate your reasoning as you go through some of them, or you can forget all about these questions. And you can change your mind again tomorrow. 

May this message at least comfort a few of you confused ones, and confuse a few of you comfortable ones.

Whether you’re chasing power, happiness, prestige, love, money, or the freedom from it all — I sincerely hope every single one of you finds whatever it is you’re looking for.

You know where to find me if you ever want to have a chat or say hi, and hopefully one day soon, have a drink in the Welly.

Aydin