Is It That Hard to Just Ask?

Every day after my son gets out of school, on the ride back home I do the usual debrief to find out how his day went, if he made any new friends, and what his homework load is. The conversations seem to go best when I give up control of what’s coming out of the speakers and let him have the “aux” as I understand it’s called. A few days ago, as he approached the car, I noticed an unpleasant look on his face and began to mentally prepare myself for his complaints about something or for the silent treatment I sometimes get when I attempt to find out what’s wrong or to coax him back into a good mood. When he got into the car he began the debrief-turned-tirade and said he was exhausted, had a lot of homework to do, knew he did horribly on the pop quiz they took earlier in the day, and was definitely going to fail his upcoming physics test because he wasn’t sure he understood all of the content taught in the last two days. I must add that even though he bombed the quiz his grades aren’t bad, but he’s pushing for an A in this class so he can get everything he has been adding to both his birthday and Christmas lists. He knew I’d seen the grade and was prepared to find the devil as his chauffeur for the ride home.?

Sidebar: It must be torture for teens these days knowing their parents receive instant notifications of their grades (especially the bad ones) and they must be ready to respond at best with mitigation plans or at worst some sort of consequence layered on top of the disappointment they are already experiencing. Thank goodness when I was in high school, the digital revolution wasn’t fully baked and there was a delay for me and my parents because I had to wait for the teacher to grade assignments and hand them back out, and sometimes those graded papers were "mysteriously" lost. I figured it only made sense to deal with the worst-case scenario only once and at the end of the semester instead of incrementally throughout the year. It would have been great if I’d known about Agile and Continuous Improvement as a high school student, but that’s another article altogether.?

Back to the main point: As we conversed about his physics class, I asked if he raised his hand to ask questions to which he replied, sometimes he does, but usually there isn’t enough time for questions after class. So, in true parental ranting fashion, I immediately flipped into lecture mode about the importance of asking questions and was met with the same silence I mentioned earlier. Then I became silent and thankfully for both of us the ride which lasted an eternity was finally over. In these moments, I’m never sure what resonated with him or what stuck and will be useful as he continues his junior year in high school. #waitandsee

Later that day I started thinking about how asking questions can be daunting or even frightening for some people, not just at school, but in personal relationships, and at work, and started wondering why. I thought about the countless lectures I’ve sat through at every level of school and at work, and remembered almost every time the presenter ended with the perfunctory question, “Are there any questions?” And almost every one of those times there were none, or only a couple asked about due dates or where to find the link for something mentioned earlier. Then we go home, leave the meeting room, or Zoom totally perplexed about something that came to mind, but we took what we thought was the safe route and chose not to share or ask more questions. There are a myriad of other factors that consciously and unconsciously rush through people’s thoughts about asking questions aloud. One of these reasons is peer fear defined as the fear of negative evaluation or looking foolish in front of friends and colleagues, or worse your boss. And nowadays it seems more people would rather search the internet for answers than have the spotlight temporarily shine in their direction while they ask a question and wait for an answer.?

According to a 2021 study done by The National Institutes of Health (NIH), “Sixty-two percent of [college] students reported that they are discouraged from asking questions because they worry others will judge them” which I would guess is likely the continuation of the same behavior from high school. And we all know that old habits die hard. Yet within the same study, “Of the students who reported that they perceive other students asking questions in large-enrollment college science courses to be helpful, students most commonly reported that they feel it is helpful because they sometimes have the same question as the one that other students ask in front of the whole class (96.0%)”

Then it hit me that while some of the responsibility is on the recipient of the information, an equal amount should be on the deliverer. I’m sure there are more than a few speakers out there whose goal is to wrap up and run for the hills to avoid questions, but I’m betting on the opposite scenario to be the more likely truth. I hope and genuinely believe most speakers, teachers, and presenters are passionate about their subject and want others to be just as passionate or at least interested enough to understand how the topic is relevant in their everyday lives. To garner this reaction from an audience, it’s all in the sentence structure. Instead of asking if there are any questions, one should ask what questions come to mind. The first version is a polar question with the most popular answer being no; the second is open-ended and the possibilities are endless. And one more thing, this question does not have to be saved for the very end of a talk, be generous and ask a few times what comes to your listeners’ minds along the presentation journey. By the end, your audience will be more primed to participate. Another impactful way to get people to open up is to share the questions you initially had as you began to learn about the subject or remind the audience you weren’t always an expert on the subject and that there were many hills to climb in your discovery and learning. These easy techniques help the crowd to loosen up and feel safe about asking questions or sharing feedback. Seriously — think about your favorite stand-up comedian — the most laughs come from interactive performances where they point out people in the crowd and ask questions or opinions and then spinoff the next punchline from those answers.?

So yes, asking questions can be scary and make you feel like you’re on the hot seat, but they are the only way to get closer to your full understanding of anything you’re learning about personally or professionally. Remember, you’re probably asking something that more than a handful of others were itching to ask and you will be their hero for the day! It's true many of us are mostly on the receiving end of information, but as time passes, we inevitably find ourselves having to share information on small and grand scales and should remember what it feels like to be in those audiences. These minor tweaks in how you get people to open up, participate, and ask questions are not only super simple but highly effective. If you don’t believe me, just give it a try with the next person or group you talk to then let me know how it went. #youregoingtobesurpised

Some good news to add --- the kiddo didn't fail the physics exam after all. Thank goodness! The car ride home today will be a pleasure.

References and Credits:

• Nadile, E. M., Alfonso, E., Barreiros, B. M., Bevan-Thomas, W. D., Brownell, S. E., Chin, M. R., Ferreira, I., Ford, S. A., Gin, L. E., Gomez-Rosado, J. O., Gooding, G., Heiden, A., Hutt, A. E., King, M. L., Perez, S. G., Rivera Camacho, Y. I., Salcedo, F., Sellas, C. F., Sinda, K. A., … Cooper, K. M. (2021, January 12). Call on me! undergraduates’ perceptions of voluntarily asking and answering questions in front of large-enrollment science classes. National Institute of Health. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7802933/?
• Image: Photo by Artem Maltsev on Unsplash