Happy Thanksgiving, Dad.

Would you indulge me as I share my most meaningful Thanksgiving experience??

?????? Thanksgiving, 2006, North Carolina.

???? I am already getting a little ahead of myself, apologies.? A little over three months earlier, I had received a Red Cross message at the 11-month mark of my first Iraq deployment. “SM’s mother hospitalized with terminal stage four lung cancer; father requests SM presence”.?? SM stands for service member, and I still remember holding the inkjet printout in my hands reading the short message over and over again.? My dad could be very succinct when he needed to be.

???? For 24 hours, I went through the admin kabuki dance it requires to leave the country. I recall getting on a C-141 flight from a combat outpost just north of Tikrit to Kuwait, and then having to go through a makeshift thrift shop for civilian clothes (not on our deployment packing last a year earlier) and ended up with some size 42 blue slacks, a far too tight “sport coat”, and an over 40-year-old collared shirt.? I looked like an ill-fitted Forrest Gump.

???? I landed at night at the Greensboro airport on a Sunday night, and my dad was there to meet me at the gate. An awkward hand-shake/hug exchange later, and we made our way to the hospital room.? Mom was still very lucid and was way more informative than dad had been on the 30 minute all too quiet drive.? “There’s a big tumor in my lung, and I don’t want to fight it”.? She was three weeks away from her 62nd birthday.?

???? My brother Donny and his family made their way the following day, and there is another story I can share about that week in me somewhere.? Mom died that Friday.? But this gets us back to Thanksgiving.

???? Since mom’s passing, Donny switched coasts from Whidbey Island, Washington to Pax River, Maryland.? We all kept in touch regularly and the plan was for me to fly from Ft. Campbell to dad, and then drive together to spend Thanksgiving with my brother 5.5 hours a way, as we didn’t want dad to make the drive alone.

???? I landed mid-afternoon on Wednesday in the middle of a severe weather alert along most of the mid-Atlantic. I can’t remember if it was a tornado, hurricane, combination, or something else that was bad, and we made the decision to simply shelter in place.

?? ??I spent the next 72 hours with my dad.? I get a lot of “me” from him.? We are far too comfortable in isolation. True introverts that can be extroverted when required. Quick witted with a quip that crosses over into irreverence every now and then (me way more than he did, so maybe that is just me!). A hearty laugh. Logical and regimented, although I have half of my mom in me too, and I can go off on a tangent, hold a grudge for far too long, and simply ignore some truths (like the 2+ packs of smokes a day that ended up killing her).

???? I should also share that dad is a veteran himself. He served in between Korea and Vietnam, after graduating with a finance degree from St. John's University. Knowing he would be drafted, he prudently enlisted in a career field he had been studying, and served for 3.5 years as an auditor in Rabat, Morocco. My brother and I come from a military family, as all of my dad's brothers were old enough to serve in World War II, and four of of my mom's brothers also served.

We fell back on family traditions.? We drank way too much coffee at all times of day.? We played cribbage.? Trivia games.? Watched war movies.? But with all that time alone, I had the opportunity to have a real conversation with my dad.? Over a home cooked meal of microwave entrees, I started to cry and simply said “I’m so sorry dad….”?

???? We had been estranged for too long.? In my early 20s, 10+ years earlier, I divorced my first wife. I was ashamed. Embarrassed. ?No one in our extended family of 11 families and 60+ cousins had divorced, and I felt like the black sheep. Me being on my Prodigal path did not help, nor did the “excuse” of not being able to communicate like we can today over long distances.?

???? In truth though, we had never been really “close”.? Until the sobbing at the dinner table, we had not had a “deep” conversation. Ever.? No birds & the bees. No “this is how you follow and serve God”. No dating advice, college pep talk, car stuff, anything.? He manifested behavior on loving mom with words of affirmation, physical touch, and gifts.? I did know he loved me and my brother and was proud of both of us, because he said it often, I never doubted that.? But I didn’t really know him.

???? So my apology was more of an outreach to him. A plea for connection (I surely did not know it at the time).? And he responded.? It wasn’t until that very moment I noticed how gaunt he had gotten since mom had died less than 90 days earlier.? His voice was much slower and lower in tone, almost hauntingly so. In my shame and defensiveness, I had missed so much.? We talked for hours.? About his mom and dad (who I never knew). His three uncles and aunt. His childhood.? About mom and Donny. His alcoholism. We cried a little and laughed that much harder. That night and next day were the most powerful I have ever experienced, and I was so sad that I was flying out.

???? Christmas came and went, and dad spent it with Donny and his family in Maryland while I spent mine with my fiancée (and mother of my child) in Northwest Arkansas.? Christmas pleasantries were exchanged over the phone, and I was preparing for my next deployment in less than nine months.

???? On January 3rd, as I was getting ready for morning PT in the daily “meet-up” for the day with the top four in the battalion, my commander got a call.? He hung up, slowly walked over, put his arm on my shoulder, and said “Will…your dad has died”…..

???? Thanksgiving was the last time I spent with him.?

???? I do not want to make this anything sad or morbid, but I do want to encourage you to be deliberate as you spend time with family, friends and loved ones this week.? Reach out to the family member you KNOW voted for the other guy. Tell your sister you love her, and if you’ve been estranged, seek her forgiveness.?

???? Thanksgiving is a great time to thank our Lord and Savior, and it also affords us the opportunity to connect more deeply with those He puts in our life.? Paul may have said it best when he wrote to the church in Corinth, “Thank God for this gift, his gift. No language can praise it enough!” (2 Corinthians 9:15)(The Message).

???? Don’t miss this opportunity. It is one of His many gifts to us.