Happy Pride Month! I'm Trans ?????

Well, you can't accuse me of "burying the lede."

There is quite a bit to tell, and this isn’t the first time that I have explained this in some detail, so I hope you forgive me for reusing my words.

Below is the internal news article I wrote last month to share about my transition with my company. I hope reading it will help you understand me a little bit better.

"Getting to know: Julian Parris" - Published May 09, 2024

This will not be a typical “getting to know” article.

I (Julian) have hijacked (with permission) this “Getting to know” article to share some news that is personal and pivotal in my life's journey, and will have implications for how I work with my colleagues here at JMP. What I’m going to share here is exciting for me, but perhaps quite surprising to you. So, I will get right to it: I am transgender.?

There is much I want to tell you and you will find I spared no words below doing so. I have organized this article around questions I expect you are asking. Know that it’s fine you’re asking them. Know that I have asked them of myself, too.

I am aware that some of you reading this have known me for more than a decade, while others have known me only a short time, or perhaps even not yet at all (Hey, nice to meet you!). Some of you reading this will be interested to learn a lot about my transition, and others will want to learn about only how this impacts our work together at JMP. Either, and anything in between, is fine.

The first few questions below address more practical and organizational considerations. If that is all you wish to know, please feel free to stop after those. In the remaining paragraphs of this article I aim to share with you the nuances of this journey and, in the spirit of Mental Health Awareness Month , I will detail some of the personal struggles and reflections that have brought me to this point.

The first and perhaps most important thing I want you to know is that this transition is not about me becoming someone new, but rather is about embracing fully all the parts of who I have been all along. It is a transition, not a transformation; I remain the same person I have always been, and I am inviting you to know more of me.

How can we support you, and are you changing your name or pronouns?

I am not settled on any name change. I am fortunate that the name “Julian” is one I continue to love, and is considered gender neutral by some (“babynames.com” sounds authoritative enough, right?). Friends continue to call me “Julian,” "Jules," “Jae,” and "J," which all feel nice, so please feel free to continue using whatever name you like or already use for me.

The easiest and most immediate way to support me is by using my chosen pronouns, she/her or they/them (you will see me write this as she/they). For example, any of the following feel affirming to me:

• I just spoke with Julian and she’s available to meet at 3 after all.
• Thanks for getting that confluence page together for Jules…I’ll ping them on Teams now so they can review it.
• Did you see that really long article they posted? Wow, J isn’t particularly succinct in her writing, is she?

Please don’t worry if you slip up. It’s going to happen, and right now it’s that you’re making the effort I value. A quick “oops, I meant her” is sufficient, and then move on.

Please know that your support and empathy in this moment are tremendously meaningful to me.

What changes at work can we expect to see as you transition?

In many ways my transition will have little impact on how I approach my work at JMP. There may be some changes in my behavior, but for the most part, who I am is who I have been, so you should not expect to see big changes in how I interact with you. I do realize this will be disappointing news if you were hoping that my transition might soften my famously draconian management style, or inject some levity into my relentlessly humorless demeanor.

The majority of changes you will notice will be in terms of my changing appearance, such as feminizing physical changes you will see develop gradually over time, or my experimenting with how I look and dress. For example, many of you have noticed already that I have been growing my hair out for the last year, and that I’ve incorporated colors into my wardrobe (the colors have been truly shocking, I’m aware).

I treasure both the personal and professional relationships I have with so many of you, and I hope and expect we will continue working together the same way we have been these last 10 years.

What should/can we tell people outside of JMP?

I am open to you disclosing my transition to people outside of JMP, and ask that you handle it with sensitivity and understanding. The most likely place for this to come up will be with users who know me already. If necessary and appropriate, I am happy for you to explain that I am in the process of transitioning, and my pronouns are she/they.

What can we read to understand better?

There is much available online, and a quick search should be able to reveal any specific information you might be interested in. As for workplace-specific content, The University of Washington maintains a nice overview page called: Resources for managers and colleagues of transgender employees . It’s a quick read and provides some useful information.

I think I’m understanding, but can you put this in a software analogy for me?

I have a new version of me? that’s been out for a while among the early adopters, but a big part of the professional user-base is still on the old version of me?, and it’s becoming difficult to support those users, especially as I aim to deprecate certain legacy ways of interacting with the software. This is a self-inflected situation, of course, because up to this point I haven’t make a general announcement that I was working on and had released a new version.

The new version of me? may look a little different, and some of the routines may change, but practically speaking the same functionality (and more) is there, and overall stability and performance has been improved.

And perhaps most importantly, the developers of me? (i.e. me) are going to be more effective (and happy) in their continued development work because this new version is much closer to how I originally wanted to develop the software; in fact, it might have been the plan from the beginning if I had been brave enough to build the me? I wanted rather than the me? I thought the market would accept.

I appreciate you taking the time to read up to this point. As I go on, I will be sharing more personal details about my transition and of my life leading up to this moment.

Were you always like this?

Short answer? Yes.?

There is a lot to unpack in this question and it deserves a longer answer, of course.

In various ways, there has always been some sense of disconnect for me between the gender assigned to me at birth and my own internal identification. For a long while I experienced this disconnect and simply tried to suppress it, or deny its significance, aware as I was about the importance of adhering to societal norms. There have also been many moments of quiet exploration, dating all the way back to childhood, that allowed me some early understanding of these feelings. That exploration, although done in safe and private spaces, came with significant and complicated feelings of shame, fear, and doubt.

Looking back at my childhood and teenage years I see that the indications of this internal conflict were unlikely to be noticed by anyone who knew me then. There certainly were not the overt signs one might imagine are associated with some conflict of gender identity, such as preferences for specific toys, clothing, or activities that telegraphed a discomfort or disconnect with gendered expectations or roles.

No, the conflict was personal and internal. It was lonely. It was a sense of subtle otherness and not belonging. It was the persistent fantasizing about waking up the next morning as a girl. It was the interest in women’s clothes and makeup. It was the feeling of being out of place in the hetronormative male role in relationships. It was reliving in my imagination important moments and life achievements as a girl, because for reasons I didn't understand at the time, it felt better, more real, and let me feel proud of myself in a way I didn’t, or couldn’t before.

Yes, I have always been like this.?

Embracing a transgender identity isn't about conforming to a new stereotype or fitting into a different societal box. It's a process of aligning with, acknowledging, and integrating a truth about my identity I’ve known, and felt a lot of shame about for quite a long time.?

This is a journey far more about self-realization and acceptance than transformation.

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I’m having a hard time reconciling this with what I know about you; it just doesn’t seem to fit. Is it wrong of me to feel that way?

There is no way of?feeling?that I think is wrong, and if you are feeling this way I hope you don’t ignore or suppress it, or even feel bad about it. That said, I do think behaviors can be wrong, and it would be hurtful for someone feeling this way to act to reconcile the disconnect by trying to convince me I’m wrong about my understanding of my identity.?

If you are feeling this way, I do want to say that I understand. I really do. And, it’s not surprising to me, either. I learned very early in life how to hide parts of me that I thought were “wrong,” even from those close to me–especially from those close to me. In fact, I became so expert at doing this that I was rather successful, for a while anyway, at hiding those parts even from myself.?

Tragically, exercising and honing this skill created distance not just from the parts of me I felt deserved to stay in darkness, but also from the parts of me I wanted to know and be known. The more of her I pushed away, the more of me felt broken. No, it’s not wrong for this to be surprising to you, or for you to have some difficulty reconciling this new information with the person you already know me to be. I spent a great deal of effort to make sure that person you knew didn’t include her, and I did so at considerable personal expense.

I’m having an easy time reconciling this with what I know about you; it just totally seems to fit. Is it wrong of me to feel that way?

There is no way of?feeling?that I think is wrong, and if you are feeling this way I hope you don’t ignore or suppress it. That said, this way of feeling is awesome and I love it.

In all seriousness though, it feels good to hear this. Part of this journey for me is the work of reincorporating some fractured parts of self. So if there was something about me that felt more feminine, or just different, it feels affirming to hear because recognizing those places where parts of me weren’t so fractured after all is encouraging.

Why didn’t you tell us sooner?

Understanding my gender identity was, and continues to be, a complicated journey. It wasn’t fast, linear, or easy. Over the years, I've gone through many phases of denial, confusion, and shame, or some combination of the three, and am just finally getting glimpses of the emotional peace that comes from moving toward acceptance. There were many moments of questioning if my feelings were even real, and if real, even valid or okay to feel. Why didn’t I tell you sooner? In short, this wasn’t something I could put into words or share because until a few years ago I was still grappling with the tumult of understanding it myself.?

What does this mean for your future?

This journey is about living as my authentic self and integrating my inner feelings with my outer expression in the world. This transition will manifest in a few ways.

Socially, I've been in the process of transitioning with close friends and family for some time now. They've been amazing and supportive, and the experience has been affirming.

In the professional realm, I have been looking forward to transitioning with anticipation, but also some trepidation. I am so proud to work with all of you at JMP. From leadership all the way down, it’s clear we are an organization that values diversity and inclusion, and I am lucky that it’s not for worry of acceptance that I have waited until this moment to share with you.

In terms of medical transition, I have started?gender-affirming hormone replacement therapy . This therapy has and will continue to result in feminizing changes over time. While this is a significant and noticeable aspect of my transition, it’s just one part of the bigger picture.

This transition, socially, professionally, and medically, is about creating harmony between my internal sense of self and how I am perceived in the world. It's a journey towards comfort, authenticity, and happiness.

How will this impact your relationship with your partner??

I expect the impact to be substantial, as any transition of this magnitude would be. But, I am so fortunate that the impact isn’t going to be negative. Few trans people get so lucky. Margot was the first to know and was, and continues to be, my bedrock of support. Those of you who know Margot at all could have predicted that. Margot is supportive of all of my choices, and is fiercely protective of me.

Are you worried about societal reactions or discrimination?

Yes, it's a genuine concern given the challenges trans people face. I am lucky to live in the Triangle region of North Carolina, and in Durham especially. I do not worry about being able to surround myself with supportive people and communities. But, I am also not in denial about negative reactions and discrimination. It will continue to happen, and at times it’s going to be brutal for me. Being myself is worth facing these challenges.

Can I ask more questions?

I understand that this may be a lot to process, and it’s natural to have more questions. I consider that a good thing, and I am quite open to those questions.

I'd like to ask that you be mindful of how you frame your questions, and to think about why you’re asking them. Please consider how it would make me feel to know the reason why you’re asking a question, because I will. Also, please consider how comments that may feel innocuous, like "I really liked how your facial hair looked," can inadvertently convey a sense of loss or hint that you think it's a mistake for me to pursue a more authentic version of myself. I simply ask for sensitivity in this area. And please remember that this is a moment of celebration for me. I am excited about embracing my truer self and hope that you will join me in this moment of positive change.?

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Thank you for taking this time to get to know me better.

-Julian (or Jules, Jae, or J). she/they